Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie constructed this pirate ship with Peter's help. In typical Mattie fashion he added a flair to the ship by putting a Christmas bell on top of the sails to spread holiday cheer to those of us in the room or who entered the room. Mattie loved Christmas bells and we used to have many of them all over the place! He would even wear a few around the hospital. I am not sure where he got his spirit from.... because the majority of us if faced with his disease, I believe would be struggling to be as gracious, kind, or joyous.
Quote of the day: The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before. ~ Albert Einstein
As Thanksgiving is approaching in a few short days, I realize that this is our sixth holiday without Mattie. Almost as many holidays as the number of years Mattie was alive and a part of our lives. It is almost too hard to grasp that soon Mattie will be dead almost as many years as he was alive. This is yet another difference between the loss of a child and an adult. Of course any loss of a loved one is profoundly wrong and deeply upsetting. But the loss of a child is chronologically confusing, very unnatural, and alters one's hope for a future.
I will never forget Thanksgiving of 2008, as I know neither will Peter. It wasn't a happy occasion. We were home from the hospital, recovering from Mattie's limb salvaging surgeries. Like most institutions, the mindset was to try to get you home for the holidays if possible. Of course getting us home was no picnic..... you might as well have left us in the hospital! Mattie was absolutely miserable at home. He was in pain and dealing with depression and signs of trauma. I remember we tried tuning into the Macy's parade to distract him. That too was a nightmare! To this day, I not only won't watch the parade, I don't even like hearing the mention of it. It brings me right back to Thanksgiving 2008. I can remember that moment in time, just like a flashback of pain and torture. Peter and I were desperate that day, and it seemed as if we were fighting in our own battlefield.... accept the enemy couldn't be seen. We felt helpless, hopeless, and with great despair.
As the holiday season approaches all over the Internet LISTS begin to pop up about how to survive if you lost a loved one! I understand the nature of why lists are formed, mainly because holidays are challenging times for those of us who suffered a loss. They can be true set backs. They aren't wonderful times, they do not necessarily make us feel joyous, happy, and with the desire to rekindle traditions and unite with family and friends. In fact, those traditions can set us off in many ways. But what I do find most irritating is that these lists seem so trite to me. Almost like a recipe.... if you follow these ingredients, you are certain to feel better! Wrong on many counts. Sure they supply ideas, and they maybe open ended, but when push comes to shove, lists are prescriptive. What I have come to know about myself after five years dealing with Mattie's loss is that you can't be prescriptive with me. As soon as you start telling me..... you should, or maybe consider this..... YOU HAVE LOST ME!!!!
Fortunately this past weekend, I met another mom who like Einstein's quote aptly puts it, "walks alone" like me. It isn't an easy place to be because it would much easier to follow the norm and what convention tells us to be, feel, and do. But in the end, that doesn't fit me, my personality, nor truly absorbs or understands the magnitude of my feelings or loss.
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