Saturday, November 29, 2025

Saturday, November 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on Thanksgiving of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that November my parents came to visit from California. Back then, our lives were so naive. Naive to the fact that children get cancer and die. It is hard to believe that only two years after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and three years after this photo was taken, Mattie died.

Quote of the day: And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~ Khalil Gibran

Something woke me up at 3am. I was having a disturbing dream, but like so many of my dream, I do not remember the content, just the feelings they evoke. I have no idea when I finally fell back asleep, but getting up this morning wasn't easy. I am chronically exhausted, so much so that not one, two, or three nights of sleep will help. It will take me years to recover from such intense caregiving. 

My dad's physical therapist was coming over this morning, so I had to make sure he was up, showered, dressed, and had breakfast before 11am. In order to make that happen, I had to get up at 7am. While he was having his session, I decided to get up the courage to go to my computer and figure out how to create mailing labels from an excel spreadsheet. I face this issue every Fall, when I have to scrub our Foundation database and generate mailing labels for our December mass mailing to supporters. Keep in mind that prior to my divorce I NEVER did this, I may have maintained the database, but I never had to worry about printing out mailing labels. You might say, how hard can it be? Well the answer for me is HARD. 

I remember in 2023, when I had to figure this out, I thought I was going to collapse in fear. However, thank goodness for video tutorials and Google! I was able to figure it out in 2023 and 2024. But today, though following the same directions that I saved, I couldn't get my database into mailing label format! It is moments like these that I want to scream, give up, and I feel like I am drowning in a sea of fear. But I rationalized with myself. I figured if I was able to do this two years in a row, I will find a way to figure it out today! I came across a wonderful, simple tutorial by an English man! I literally had his video open and followed it step by step, pausing what he was saying in order to mechanically follow along. Voila.... the labels are now printed. It is the many little things about being divorced that add up to Mt. Everest for me. I miss every aspect of being married and naturally even though I have faced life alone for two years now, I continue to ponder.... how is it possible to leave me?

On another note, one of the movies I used to love at this time of year is, It's a Wonderful Life. In fact, my other half introduced me to it, as I never saw this movie until I was married! Remarkable, no? As it is a classic and I grew up watching countless classics. But this Jimmy Stewart movie transcends time, because of its powerful human message. 

I posted the last 8 minutes of the movie below. Basically the movie's main character is a man named George Bailey. George spent his entire life doing good deeds for others and for his family, never putting himself first. One Christmas, his business is in trouble, his house is falling apart, and he has several children to feed and care for.... simply put he is overwhelmed, he feels like his life has no purpose, and that he is a failure to his family. In fact, he feels he is worth more dead than alive. While struggling, and about to commit suicide, his guardian angel, Clarence, saves George (who jumped off a bridge). The movie enables us to go on a special journey with George and Clarence. Through the magic of Clarence's angel ways, Clarence is able to show George how awful the world would have been if he wasn't in! His wife would have never married, his good friend would have gotten arrested, his mom would have lived a harder life financially, and the town would have been run by a controlling and diabolical man. At the end of this journey, George realizes that he really has lived..... a wonderful life. This movie was released in 1946, but at one point or another in all of our lives, we question our existence and have an existential crisis like George!

Why am I mentioning this? Because on Monday, of this week, I received the most beautiful email from my friend, Phyllis. I asked her if it would be okay for me to share her message and she agreed. Phyllis' words came at a very down moment in my life and I believe just like Angel Clarence enabled George to see things differently, Phyllis' words did the same for me. I can get very down moments, as I walk my life's journey now without my two boys in my life. It causes me to wonder at times..... is Mattie Miracle worth it? Is it worth continuing the Foundation alone and am I making a difference? Phyllis' email made me pause and struck me right to the core of my heart. I could go on, but I will let you read it for yourself. Needless to say, I printed out this message and it sits on my desk to refer to on down days. 

Vicki, reading your newsletter just reinforces the reality that you are having a profound effect on the world. Only someone with your life experiences, education, and personal skills could blend together that mix and create Mattie Miracle which then sends ripple effects out into the world.

I have this vision of you standing in disbelief like George Bailey at the end of It's a Wonderful Life," while one by one, grateful people come in to tell him how his life has changed theirs for good. While I know you will never actually have a "George" cinematic moment, know that your presence in this world likewise has incalculably changed it for good. 

Thankful for you in this season of Thanksgiving...... 

Love, Phyllis 

Friday, November 28, 2025

Friday, November 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. The day after Thanksgiving to be specific! Thanksgiving was a hard day, but again we tried to reset the mood in the house and Mattie went to one of his favorite stores and picked out this Scooby Doo light up Christmas display. Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, we would put up a light display in our commons area in the city. Our neighbors LOVED it and some of them would tell me that the holidays were hard for them, but seeing our lights perked them up. Each year, the light display grew in size! Scooby Doo was added to the display in 2008! It was the last year we decorated for Christmas. I only started to decorate again for Christmas in 2021, when my parents moved in with us. Otherwise, the holidays have lost their meaning for me, as they seem to remind me of the significant losses in my life.  

Quote of the day: Can you miss something before it's gone?" …"I think so. The anticipation of the loss hurts nearly as much as the loss itself. You find yourself trying to hold onto every detail, because you'll never have them again.” ~ Emily Lloyd-Jones

Today, we officially celebrated my mom's 90th birthday. Given the nature of all I am juggling, hosting a party wasn't going to be happening. In fact, I hate photos of myself now because when I see myself, I see a very exhausted and distraught woman. My face doesn't look the same. 

But my parents had a great time today, so my mission was accomplished. 

I was introduced to this restaurant in Great Falls, VA, years ago by my friend, Dawnee. She took me to Chez Francois for my birthday. Seriously it was love at first sight. Going to this restaurant is like a step back in time. Where you aren't rushed through a meal, where peace, tranquility, good food, and lovely service are the only things on the menu. In the summer months, their outside patio is open, which is surrounded by their lush gardens (they have extensive vegetable bed growing items featured on the menu).

They start every meal with an amuse bouche. Today's was butternut soup, with butternut squash from their gardens. It was so good, even my dad ate it! 

My mom and I then had a trio of salmon. When I became pregnant with Mattie, my taste for salmon changed, it just wouldn't go down. Prior to being pregnant, I loved salmon. However, give me lox, and I still love it. 

We then had a salad. 

Our entree was local Maryland Rockfish, which was sitting on a bed of celery root. Which was actually quite tasty. 

The birthday girl! Looking good at 90. We literally had three different desserts:

The candle was in a piece of pumpkin mousse (which actually tasted like pumpkin, in comparison to the night before).

My mom wanted a Grand Marnier souffle. 

This was a piece of black forest cake. 

When I got home today, this Christmas tree inflatable arrived. I got it on sale and I decided to replace the one we used to use, which was a snowman. I prefer the tree and the symbolism of the bright shining star that guided the wisemen to Bethlehem. May the spirit of this season find its way to my home and heart. 

Thursday, November 27, 2025

Thursday, November 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie received this cute turkey hat from his school counselor. I will never forget snapping this photo. He was the cutest turkey around. However, Thanksgiving 2008 (our last Thanksgiving together) will remain fresh in my mind always! Why? Because of the feelings it evokes! Mattie was home recovering from his limb salvaging surgery and he was in pain, miserable, and had classic PTSD symptoms. We tried everything to change the mood in our home, but nothing worked. For me, Thanksgiving 2008, will always be permanently etched in my mind and heart, after all I can't think of something much worse than seeing your child so ill, in pain, and traumatized and NOT being able to do anything about it. 

Quote of the day: In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit. ~ Marge Kennedy

Today was not a good day emotionally. I most likely should have stayed home and cooked Thanksgiving dinner. Going out is becoming just as complicated as it is to stay home. The restaurant was super busy this year, much more so than last year. Navigating crowds with my parents is super challenging and there is just me. I have NO help with bags, coats, and cushions. When we arrived at the restaurant, I pulled up to the front door and parked my car with my hazard lights on. I told my dad to stay in the car, because I had to get my mom inside first. Thank goodness I did this because as soon as we got inside, the front hallway was total chaos. There would have been no place for my dad to sit if I took him inside with us. So my mom and I waited for our table, then 15 minutes later, I helped her to the table and then ran back outside to get my dad. I got him to the table, and then ran back outside again to park the car. Seriously just getting them inside and to the table, was exhausting. Whenever I sit at a table, it is glaringly obvious who is missing, and on holidays that feeling is sickening. 

Though Cheryl, our server, was not working today, she stopped by the restaurant, to give me these gifts. That is how special she is! 

The actual meal was wonderful! My mom and I had turkey. I have always been a turkey fan. In fact if you were to ask me what my favorite meal is...... I would say turkey, potatoes, stuffing, and cranberry sauce! 

My dad on the other hand isn't a turkey fan. So he had ham!

Doesn't this look wonderful? The turkey was super tender, not fatty, and the sides were fantastic! I know you may not believe this, but I practically ate everything on this plate! 

Then came dessert and that was a nightmare. The restaurant serves pie, from a pie company in Maryland. This pie company provided amazing pies last year, but this year, to me, they were inedible. But I admit, I am VERY picky about pies! Food is so important to me, and probably the one and only thing I still enjoy. I actually get very upset when a bad product is served to me. I literally told our server, that I could go into the kitchen at that very moment and bake a better pie! 

But of course no good deed goes unpunished. My dad had to go to the bathroom during dinner. Because tables were so close to one another, I had trouble negotiating through the crowd to get him and his walker to the restroom. When I finally got him there, I had a big clean up job to do of him, the floor, and the bathroom! I don't deal with these issues on occasion, I deal with them daily, and sometimes I say to myself..... who else would deal with this? 

When we finally got home and I got my dad to his chair, you want to know what his first question was when he sat down? It was..... when are we going out to eat?! It was at that point that I lost it. I lost it because I do the impossible to try to make the day as pleasant as possible for them, but with my dad's Alzheimer's he has no memory from minute to minute. Case in point, when I asked him who Anne Spallone was last night, he said that Anne was my mom. WRONG! Anne Spallone was my maternal grandmother! I am well aware that my dad's cognitive issues are disease related and not intentional, but as a human being living with Alzheimer's 24/7 for four years now, there are times that I want to pull my hair out and then on top of that, I curse the day that I was left to deal with everything on my own and live life as a single person. So bottom line, and I am giving you the cliff notes version..... it wasn't a good day. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2025

Wednesday, November 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and we were doing what he loved best on the weekends.... walking Roosevelt Island. We traversed that Island at all times of the year. It did not matter the weather and this little piece of natural paradise in the city was a joy to see during every season! After Mattie died, the Island was almost like walking on sacred ground, as we walked every path and saw every part of the Island with my little explorer. Now whenever I drive passed the Island, I think of what my life USED to look like when we were a threesome. It truly seems like a lifetime ago. 

Quote of the day: Because I have nobody and nowhere to go, I’m forced to think of everyone everywhere I am. ~ Karl Kristian Flores

It was another busy day here! But despite all the craziness, I wanted to make sure my mom had moments of happiness.... because today she turned 90 years old. Since my dad as going to his memory care center, I have decided that we are going out for a special lunch on Friday. When my mom got to her chair by the breakfast table this morning, she got flowers, a balloon, and a card. She was very touched, especially given all the craziness I have been balancing recently. 

Even though it is the end of November, today was 70 degrees. It was a magical day! I told my mom that these kind of days are rare, and that it was a birthday gift from God. Given the weather was lovely, my mom got to go outside with her physical therapist and she walked the neighborhood. She walked a mile and she felt good about her accomplishment.  

Later this afternoon, I went outside into the garden as there were things I wanted to get done before it turns very cold. I cut back and cleaned out my day lily bed today!

I trimmed one of my crape myrtles!

I got out the ladder and cut back the climbing hydrangea from the chimney! 

While I was outside, I saw a car pull up! The car brought a tasty surprise from my dear friend, Cheryl. Cheryl and I have NEVER met each other. She is connected to me by marriage and she began to get to know me through Mattie's blog. She has been a faithful reader for 17 years! That is a lot of reading and when my life again fell completely apart in 2023, Cheryl has been one of the people who keeps me from jumping out of the window! 

Wait until my mom sees these treats after dinner tonight. It is the perfect way to celebrate her 90th birthday, and I am so grateful for this kindness, because I truly do not celebrate birthdays or ANYTHING for that matter since I became single. I am so depleted of energy and life, which is why today's gift of love will never be forgotten.  

This photo was taken on October 25, 2018, where my mom was inducted into her school's HALL OF FAME!

As I type this my mom is on the phone with her favorite student (pictured far left)! My mom was a high school math teacher at an all boys public school in the Bronx, NY. She taught at this school for 25 years, before moving to California. This student (and many others) has never forgotten my mom, and he called her to wish her a happy birthday. It is amazing how these acts of kindness can transform one's day!

Tuesday, November 25, 2025

Tuesday, November 25, 2025 -- Mattie died 822 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2002. Mattie was seven months old and desperate to walk! Mattie wanted to by-pass crawling and go right to walking and running! I spent many moments throughout the day supporting Mattie so he would get around on two feet, as he was a very mobile fellow! Notice his sweatshirt. My mentor at Union College, Dr. Twitty Styles, sent me this gift to celebrate the birth of Mattie. I LOVED Dr. Styles. He was my immunology professor and though my fellow classmates felt he was a tough professor, I did not view him that way at all. He was brilliant, charming, and brought scientific material to life for me. In fact, I credit him to turning my academic career around. He lit a spark within my mind, to be curious, to ask questions, and to investigate and turn to research for the answers! Any case, this sweatshirt gift for Mattie meant the world to me, as this college is where I met Mattie's dad, this is were my academic career began, and this was a campus I always hoped to visit with Mattie. 

Quote of the day: It may happen that we miss the people we took care of more than we miss those who took care of us because the desire to love and the search for meaning are stronger than the desire to be loved. ~  Luigina Sgarro

It would be hard to describe the lunacy of my day! I woke up at 5:15am. I had to do this because I did not know the exact timing of the cable repair person or the inspector from the county who was coming to evaluate my new furnace. It isn't like I can just be responsible for myself in the morning! I have to allot time to feed and interact with Indie, to shower and dress, and make breakfast and clean up the first floor. Once that was done, I then had to go upstairs and manage my dad's hour long routine. 

So once I got my dad downstairs this morning, I started the laundry, and got my mom situated. At 11am, everything seemed to happen at once. My dad's physical therapist arrived, my mom's physical therapist arrived, and the cable fellow also arrived. That doesn't sound bad, but neither of my parents can manage ANY THING without assistance, and I have to set them up for their therapy sessions. At one point I was dealing with the cable guy and my dad had urinated on the floor at the same time. I was so overwhelmed, that I wanted to put my head through a wall. But I dealt with all of it, as I jump from one task or crisis to the next.

At 2pm, the county inspector arrived. Mind you I asked for a morning appointment. No one cares about my schedule! The inspector had to go into my attic to evaluate the installation of the new gas furnace. I was concerned about him climbing up the pull down ladder because he had to be at least 350 pounds and seemed to be totally out of breath climbing the stairs. After his evaluation, I asked him how it went. He said, fine! But I learned two hours later that this wasn't the case. We failed inspection. Why? He wants to see the chimney vent certification before he will approve the installation. So I went back to our installer and hopefully we can resolve this issue, because I am exhausted from juggling contractors and workmen over the last two months.

Also I noticed that our front outdoor lights were NOT working again. I just had them fixed last week. I put two and two together and realized that during leaf clean up yesterday, the machines may have cut one of the electric lines. So I called my gardening company today to explain the problem and of course to complain. I could spend 24/7 on balancing the countless issues in and around this house. When I say.... God help me, I am neither exaggerating or being funny! 

Changing subjects! Most of you know by now that Hallmark Movies are my therapy of choice. Last night I watched Holiday Hotline! This movie got me laughing, which I assure you is not easy to do. What is the premise of the movie.... well it features a phone hotline. Not for a mental health crisis, but for people who are having trouble preparing and cooking a turkey for the holidays! Seriously some of the hotline call ins were a riot.... a woman cooking the turkey in the plastic wrapper and wondering what she did wrong, another one wondering if he can defrost a turkey on the roof of his car, and the list went on! I found this absolutely a riot, and in the midst of the laughing, was also a charming story! Given my own life, there are days I wish I could jump right into the movie and escape from my own reality. As the settings for the movies are always lovely, people are genuine, there is a moral lesson, and most of all THERE ARE NO UNHAPPY ENDINGS.

Monday, November 24, 2025

Monday, November 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I have no idea where Mattie got this toy microphone! I imagine it was a gift given to him, but as you can see, he was giving us a performance! Mattie, like many children, gravitated to music. He responded to it and it was Mattie who wanted to take piano lessons. Mattie was scheduled to start lessons when he entered 1st grade. Of course that never happened, as he was diagnosed with cancer at the end of his kindergarten year. Cancer robbed us of so many life experiences!

Quote of the day: You are my beginning and ending, and every sad, happy, hard, easy, beautiful moment in between. ~ Dark Night Beacon

I was so overwhelmed yesterday, that by the time I had to go to bed, I was unable to fall asleep. I must have fallen asleep at around 3:30am, and then was up at 6:15am. When technology doesn't work in my house, it is super stressful. The fact that my parents couldn't watch TV all day on Sunday, was the icing on the cake, and that just about sent me over the deep end. Mainly because I have been dealing with this particular cable issue for two years now. The cable company will come and fix it, and then a few months later, the same problem arises again. I just never know when it will act up and this unpredictable nature makes me edgy. All my married life, I was not responsible for our technology. It wasn't something I excelled at or even liked. So I always knew I could turn to my other half to figure out the problem. Now I have NO back up! I am it! Which is why I have had to assemble a team of people who I can turn to for professional assistance. 

At 7am, the area manager of the cable company text messaged me! Yes I have his cell phone number! He is out of town for Thanksgiving, but he said if he was here, that he would come over today to personally help me. A kind soul! Any case, he asked that I text him on Tuesday morning, so that he can make sure that I get a seasoned technician for my appointment. 

I should mention that as soon as I woke up this morning and went down to feed Indie, I found that she once again pooped on the floor. Seriously getting hit with this first thing in the morning is enough for me to lose it! I am determined to get down to the bottom of her issue and what I will now try is changing her cat litter completely EVERY Monday! Seriously if this is a behavioral issue, God help me. 

Once I got my dad to his memory care center, I then went back home to pick up my mom and take her to her eye doctor appointment. The eye machines make my mom very anxious, so I have to manage her anxiety through the appointment and frankly I am so overwhelmed with managing everyone's needs and emotions. It takes a toll. Thankfully my mom likes the doctor and got a good report. Given that her appointment went smoothly, I decided to drive to Alexandria (which round trip was about an hour of driving) to pick up the Foundation's holiday letter. I am so grateful to our printer, who has worked with us for 16 years now! He prints all of our letters free of charge and even folds them for me. Another kind soul! 

In the midst of all my heartache, I never forget a kind act or beautiful sentiment or statement. I may not remember places, facts, or history, but if someone or something evokes a feeling in me then.... I am like a steel trap. I can recall emotions on a dime. 

When I got home today, this is what I saw. LEAVES!!! Can you see why I need help? There is no way I could possibly manage this myself. Also miraculously.... the cable started working tonight! I was advised to still keep tomorrow's appointment, which I will do, but I feel that Mattie channeled this blessing my way, and I am very grateful.

Sunday, November 23, 2025

Sunday, November 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was recovering from his second limb salvaging surgery. The only limb not operated on was his left leg. Which was why Mattie used that leg and foot like an arm and hand. Truly it was remarkable to observe Mattie's spirit and ingenious nature, even under the most dire of circumstances.

Quote of the day: Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it—just as we have learned to live with storms. ~ Paulo Coelho

Being that today was Sunday, I had hopes that I could have a more peaceful day. I started the day not feeling rushed and thought, maybe today will be a day where I don't feel like I am going to jump out of my skin! NOPE! It is 9:30pm and I have been managing way too much today. It started with my dad's irritable bowel issues while showering him, to then the cable in the house went out! That may not seem like a problem, but in my house, the TV is vital. My parents watch it constantly. Not having TV today has been sheer torture. Why? Because I had to deal with Verizon and my parents asking constant questions about why they were unable to watch tv. 

Normally I have had NO problem getting through to Verizon support! Today it was impossible. They say they offer 24/7 support. They do not! Or they don't anymore! They need to remove that piece of information from their webpage, along with the chat button (which goes NO WHERE!). I can't tell you how many times I dialed the 24/7 support number today. No one picks up the phone! Or when you get through the automated system, after jumping through several hurdles, you just land up learning that their live support is closed, that it is after hours. Which makes no sense if you offer 24/7 support. I literally was calling throughout the day. I did get a hold of two live people today thanks to my persistence. The first got disconnected with me, which upset me greatly after a thirty minute dialogue. But then I got through to another agent who helped me for over an hour. I was up on ladders, unplugging and re-plugging coax cables, rebooting the router, and dealing with cable boxes. We got it working, but don't you know it, as soon as I hung up the tech call, the cable stopped working again. Literally I can't take the pressure! I can't take the constant stress! I can't take having to figure out everything on my own! I am so wound up that I can feel my heart racing all day. 

I have a Verizon tech visit on Tuesday! But Tuesday is a long way away, especially hearing every two seconds..... why isn't the cable working!? In addition, I can't even get my FIOS app working. So I am livid, stressed out, and paying for a cable service I am not getting. But here is the kicker. This particular cable issue is something that I deal with every two or three months. When did it start? It started when a two year construction project was occurring on my street. Prior to this construction we never faced this cable issue! Now, it is a regular occurrence and I am the ONLY one on the block affected by this. 

Sure in the grand scheme of things, losing cable is not a big deal. I am still able to put that into context, however, when you add this on top of all the monumental things I face daily and have faced over these last two years, I am truly at my breaking point.