Thursday, December 10, 2015

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. We took Mattie to the US Botanical Gardens during the holiday season. Mattie loved going to the Gardens around Christmas time. For various reasons, one of which was the lovely train displays. Very creatively done, with special plants and vegetation incorporated around the tracks. Naturally the trains all moved and journeyed around the room and went through tunnels and other interesting structures. As you can see, Mattie posed here by a fascinating plant hanging from the ceiling. We loved how Mattie looked like he had a bush of hair. 




Quote of the day: If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. ~ E. Joseph Cossman

This afternoon I met up with my friend Catherine and celebrated her birthday. Catherine and I have known each other since 2005. Her daughter and Mattie were in the same preschool classroom two years in a row. When Mattie was alive, Catherine and I spent a lot of time together, especially in the summers. She would invite us to her neighborhood pool and it was a wonderful outing for all of us. Where we live in the city, there wasn't a built in play group and social outlet for Mattie and me, which is why I greatly appreciated Catherine reaching out to me. 

Catherine is also a cancer survivor, in fact she was battling cancer at the same time Mattie was, and I remember despite her own battle she came to visit us in the PICU. Though Catherine knows cancer first hand, and I know it as a caregiver, we see eye to eye on many things, which makes it super easy for us to relate to one another. We don't have to apologize for feeling or thinking a certain way, and for having lows and more lows. Literally we had a four hour lunch and we talked the entire time about all sorts of things. But what I appreciate is a friend, who knew me prior to Mattie's cancer, who can understand that the holidays are problematic for me and most likely will always be. Not just acknowledging it but talking about it. 

Clearly it isn't just those of us who lost a child to cancer who feel this way about the holidays. I am not sure why the Christmas season in particular is fraught with issues for so many of us. I don't know if it is our expectation for the Norman Rockwell picture perfect kind of holiday, the pressure of getting decorations up and the right presents for people in our lives, or the simple fact that Christmas NOW STARTS IN OCTOBER! Giving us an expanded and more long term time to reflect and in some cases stew in sadness and what is missing from our lives. It is not to say that we can't be grateful for some aspect of our life. We can! Yet holidays bring families together. If you doubt me, just tune into Facebook at this time of year. I have to really limit my viewing because it is overwhelming and only reminds me of how different I am from most people whose lives haven't been touched and ravaged by childhood cancer.