Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie had worked on this clay puzzle for hours. He molded the clay into this framework to produce a Sponge Bob replica. Mattie knew how much I disliked Sponge Bob, but my distaste for Sponge Bob seemed to make him laugh, openly talk about it, and all of this was great to take his mind off of the reality in front of us. Mattie loved this clay creation that he made and in fact, we had it on display in his bedroom for years before it disintegrated.
Quote of the day: Anger is a short madness. ~ Horace
I think Horace's quote was spot on! At times, in certain situations, I can get internally angry. Once I have reached my maximum, it does feel like I am close to going mad. As I can feel so frustrated inside and yet given the context I am in, I have to hold it together, smile, and continue on. What am I talking about? Well today, Peter and I went to our friend's church. For the most part since Mattie's death, I do not spend time in church anymore. I have my own conflicts with God, but I feel over time, I will work those out for myself. What I have absolutely NO tolerance for is man's twisted interpretation of God's thoughts, beliefs, and therefore preached to about how we should be living our lives. It is the judgment and spin that clergy put on God's words that trouble me. They trouble me so that I find it irritating and close to impossible to sit and listen to such meaningless homilies.
We went to church because our friend had a mass said in memory of the 10th anniversary of her brother's death. Since we wanted to be supportive of our friend, we knew we had to attend. In a way I thought I prepared myself for the mass ahead, but honestly even I couldn't have imagined today. If I did not hear this homily for myself, I probably wouldn't have believed it if someone told me about it. The priest today was visiting, so he isn't a regular priest at this church. However, he has a significant position within the diocese, as he is a vocational coordinator for the region. Meaning he helps to recruit priests and nuns, and also raise money for the church's mission. I have no problem with any of this, what I had a problem with is he turned what should have been a meaningful homily about the scripture, into an infomercial about the church. He literally held up brochures, talked about websites, and came short of directly asking for money. He tried to be humorous while performing this marketing campaign. Mind you it is brochures geared to all ages.... children to adults, married, single, etc. I am quite sure whatever brochure I picked up on marriage at the church, wouldn't help guide me on keeping a marriage going after losing a child to cancer.
So the marketing and direct solicitation seemed like an abuse of power not to mention a waste of parishioners' time. He had the perfect opportunity to instead inspire his parishioners and instill hope, and I really believe providing this substance would enable the money to come! In addition to this self serving homily, he also discussed the importance of why we do the things we do. In a nutshell he explained that we should be motivated to do good things and help others in the hopes of one day getting into heaven. He repeated this "getting into heaven" line over and over. Though I appreciate his faith and conviction, he has to know that some of his parishioners question this.... is there a heaven? I think God can handle such a challenge but most priests can not. So if you guess whether there is a heaven, then aren't you therefore in a quandary about doing good/just things in order to get into heaven? He left my head spinning. After all don't we want to help and provide service and love to others in our community because we want to live in the image of God? Through doing service we learn more about ourselves, feel connected to all of God's people, and in turn it is this empowering feeling that brings us closer to God!
Of course in the midst of all of this, we were surrounded by children at church and at my friend's luncheon. One would think, 8 years after Mattie's death, I should be okay with being around children Mattie's age. But the reality is....... NO! I neither enjoy seeing them, watching parents interact with their children and the vision and noises of these interactions remain in my head even now.... hours after we all said good-bye. Moments like today always make me pause, because just when I think I am becoming stronger as a person and re-integrating into the world, certain things can set me back and feel unglued!
1 comment:
HI Vicki, I am not even sure where to start to comment about this evening' s blog. I will start with your quote because I feel often this way about my anger. Most people see the side of me where there is no anger. So in short if I ever display anger or tell someone how angry something made me, they find it hard to believe. When I finally give in to expressing my anger, it is like a short madness.
I am Catholic but find it increasingly difficult to listen to homilies that don't speak to the real issues of life, their Congregations are facing. What did this Priest hope people would take away with them to help them through their week? I found myself a long time ago questioning many things, I have heard during homilies that make me wonder, " what would God say after listening to these words." I agree with all your feelings about this homily and wonder what was his point. I think we do things for other because we want to be a help in this world. We want to make a day easier or brighter for someone else. I have lots of thoughts about what would Jesus expect of people of Faith! Why would reaching heaven, be our only goal - that is self serving. I have Faith but it wavers often. Sometimes, I have to talk myself back into believing because of all that I have seen. I can't even imagine how parents who have lost their child after watching them suffer, keep from falling in & out of believing. Certainly, a homily like this would not have helped anyone who was hurting in Church today.
The Forever loss of Mattie, all parts of it, make it difficult to see kids, his age. Especially, teens now that went to school with Mattie. All the what ifs and whys would be there. There is no fairness in life, something, I wish could be changed. Today, you were in a situation where the majority of young people were friends with or knew Mattie. Even thinking about this makes me see how difficult this would be. Even someone, like me, wonders if I could do it. 9 years, 15 years, do the number of years matter with forever loss. It is just that many more years since you could hold, hug & interact with Mattie. Deep, unconditional love parent love does not understand years.
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