Wednesday, January 6, 2021Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2008. Next to Mattie is Charlotte. Mattie considered Charlotte his "girlfriend." These two met each other on the first day of kindergarten and bonded immediately. Charlotte always said that she and Mattie were going to be roommates in college, and Mattie even gave Charlotte a plastic ring, because he said he was going to marry her. Mattie was invited to Charlotte's birthday party and sat right next to the birthday girl. Charlotte was only 6 years old when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Yet her friendship never waved, she visited Mattie in the hospital throughout his treatment and her devotion to her friend continues even today, as Charlotte helps Mattie Miracle raise money!
Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins.
- Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 21,279,163
- Number of people who died from the virus: 360,741
I think there is something to be said for chaos on both the micro and macro level. That is how I am feeling. My micro concerns are traveling every other month to Los Angeles, to help manage my dad's care and support my mom. That alone is a lot to cope with, but then we also have national chaos going on all around us. Not only COVID and lockdowns, but civil unrest in my home town of Washington, DC. I find all of this is wearing and makes me feel overwhelmed, at times helpless, and depressed.
It was another full day here as always and besides the physical toll of providing non-stop caregiving, there is an emotional impact. It is very hard to see my dad transformed by dementia. He was once a man eager to take on challenges, thrived on doing new things and encouraged the rest of us to get on board. He is the complete opposite now. At times you look at him, especially while he is eating, and he looks FAR AWAY! Absolutely zoned out and focused on eating, however, he did admit to me that he can't remember whether he ate or not, and therefore can't determine or feel when he is hungry or full. In so many ways, I feel like I am running an assisted living facility and when I have a moment of time (which is rare), I reflect and I think to myself what a waste of time. All these years, I have lived on one coast and my parents on the other. This was the time when we should have lived closer to each other, and have grown together. So this leaves me balancing anger and disappointment for my parents decision to move back to California in 2005 (after they sold their house in California, they moved to Washington, DC to be closer to us and Mattie, but after three months of our weather, they returned to LA).
Seeing all that I am doing for my parents makes me worry about Peter and me. Who will be doing caregiving for us as we age? The answer is no one. We will have to be self sufficient and plan for our own aging, which is scary, because I know first hand how vital it is to have an advocate who is able bodied and mind. Perhaps I am just tired, but all of this is bringing me down and making me feel like I don't have a future. Life hasn't gone at all like I would have hoped or wished.
No comments:
Post a Comment