Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and pictured next to him was one of our caterpillar jars. Each spring, Mattie would bring home from school caterpillars that he found on the playground! The first year he did this, he was in preschool, and I must admit I was stunned to find him carrying caterpillars home! But I went with it, as I figured this was a great way to learn about metamorphosis. Together we experimented until we found the right jars and the leaves these caterpillars liked to eat. Turns out they only ate oak, and thankfully we had an oak tree near our townhouse. Each day, we would clean out the jar, as these fellows were messy! But then the excitement of seeing a cocoon (as you see in this photo), indicated to Mattie and me that we did a good job caring for them. About a week later, moths would break through and we would release them on our deck. The moth release ceremony was an annual occurrence!
Quote of the day: Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness. ~ Brené Brown
This morning, after my usual routine, I hopped on a conference call at 10am with our research group. The group is comprised on some very sharp and gifted researchers and clinicians. I have been working with several of these women since 2011.... another words a long time. Of course when I am on a call with them now, I can feel vulnerable. Vulnerable NOT because I don't feel I can keep up! Vulnerable because my life looks SO SO different from theirs! They are accomplishing a great deal, and have tangibles to show for their work. My work now, has no exact tangibles, no compensations, and frankly the work won't get easier. As caregiving with for older adults, only more issues arise.
I could let all of this get the best of me! But I don't. I try to hold my head up, participate and engage. Despite my level of depletion, the bottom line is I was able to raise money for the Foundation's work this year, and as such, this enables me to consider funding at a higher level a larger scale psychosocial research project. So when down on myself, I have to reflect on that, as Brené Brown's quote suggests.... truth and courage, are NEVER weakness. Beautifully stated.
Managing my day to day routine is extremely challenging because I am not caring for just one person. I have two parents, both with significant needs. At any given point in the day, I am helping one of them and at times both of them. Some days I feel like I could lose my mind, but I remind myself, not just any one could do what I am doing. It is just the reality. My mom is no long capable of doing things independently and yet is adamant that this isn't the case. It is the reality, which in time she will accept, but she isn't there yet. So in the mean time, when my dad goes to his memory care center, I am with my mom trying to get her moving, out of the house, and engaged with the world.
I laughed internally when my dad's memory care center said that his time there would give me time at home to rest, regroup, and get work done! WHO ARE THEY KIDDING? That would be true if I were a caregiver to one person. Not true when caring for two. Today while my dad was at his memory care center, I made doctor appointments for my mom, got scans and documents sent from Los Angeles to her new doctors, and I am happy to say my mom is starting physical therapy next week. It is crucial because her physical decline is steep. The last time I saw my mom was in Los Angeles in April of 2021. I did not return to LA until November of 2021. In just 7 months, I couldn't believe what I found. My mom was walking hunched over to the right. Now she is at least NOT leaning to the right, but I can't get her to stand upright. I am hoping that the therapist can assist me, because slumped over like this makes her a fall risk.
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