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Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. That Saturday we took Mattie to the National Geographic Museum in Washington, DC. Outside the Museum were these wonderful bronze statues of primates. As you can clearly see, Mattie loved this one and was trying to climb on its back. I remember that moment in time like it were yesterday. Of course back then I thought we would have many more visits to this Museum and many more family outings. Life however had other plans and what I learned is that we may think we are in control of our lives and destiny, but truthfully we are lucky if we control 1/16th of what happens to us.
Quote of the day: There is not a reason for everything. Not every loss can be transformed into something useful. Things happen that do not have a silver lining. ~ Megan Devine
I just have to laugh! I moved out of Washington, DC in 2021, and do you know I got summoned for Jury Duty in the mail today! Still! With DC, it is like clockwork.... every two years, you get called. When I lived in the city, I always dreaded it, because I knew what would be awaiting me in the mail two years after completing a prior jury service. Truthfully it was like receiving an anniversary card, it was that well timed! However, what makes me laugh is despite letting the city know in 2021 that I moved, they are still after me, two years later. Any case, I uploaded my driver's license again, and of course got disqualified from service because of my address.
I had to go to the bank today to get a new ATM card. Ironically I rarely use my card, so when I moved from the City to the suburbs, apparently my card got canceled. Don't ask me how. I am very familiar with our local bank branch because I take my mom there often. So the managers and staff know me and my mom. I was so impressed with the bank manager today, as she spent a great deal of time with me and when she learned that Mattie died, her reaction was truly beautiful and compassionate. She wanted me to know that I am a special caregiver, and how the bank is so impressed with the care and attention I provide to my mom. As I told the manager, my blessing in my life was to be born to two devoted, protective, and loving parents. Which is the greatest motivator for being the best caregiver possible to them in their 80s.
Tonight I had my third therapy session. My time with this woman maybe short lived, because I feel she doesn't understand trauma or grief and furthermore is prescriptive. She wants me to take classes on things and also join a support group. Telling me what I should do doesn't sit well with me, especially since I am NOT a support group type of person. When I am in the midst of having various feelings and issues, the last thing I want to hear are other people's problems. I do not find it normalizing, and I learned this early on about myself when I was a graduate student and had to participate in a group process. I did not do well there, and I most definitely did not do well in the support group sessions I attended when Mattie was diagnosed and then after he died. Every group encounter I have had is negative. I do not know if that is a reflection on me or just not the right group. But frankly, I have too much going on now to invest in another disaster. The lack of insight and sensitivity of the therapist set me off and left me feeling like..... do I really need this? This woman is on borrowed time and if you aren't part of my solution, then I deem you as part of the problem.
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