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Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2005. Mattie was three years old and another favorite thing of his to do in the late afternoon, was to take a warm bath and change into his pajamas. During the winter months, doesn't that sound like the perfect thing to do?! Mattie loved climbing onto our bed, jumping on it like a trampoline, and I can't tell you how many books we read together on this bed. Mattie was better than an alarm clock. On the weekends, he'd get up early, walk down the hallway and come to my side of the bed. He would reach out to wake me and some mornings I just did not feel like moving. So I would help him up into the bed in hopes that he would rest! NOT Mattie's style, he had two modes, on and off.
Quote of the day: Grief is not a sign that you’re unwell or unevolved. It’s a sign that love has been part of your life, and that you want love to continue, even here. ~ Megan Devine
This morning at 5am, my eyes opened up. Before I moved my parents in with us, I would have to say that morning was NOT my thing. However, for two years now, I have been conditioned to wake up before 6:30am. In addition to getting conditioned, I have a heightened level of anxiety. So once my eyes open, there is NO way I could possibly rest or sleep. Sleeping and eating right now are challenging for me because of my anxiety. I have lost 15 pounds without trying and I am rapidly approaching the weight I was when I got married.
I remember decades ago when my mom got sick with pneumonia. I was in college and she landed up in the ICU for over three weeks. She was very sick as her pneumonia turned into sepsis and organs were shutting down. I can recall how thin my mom was at that point in her life. It wasn't from getting sick per se, but as a consequence of intense caregiving for my maternal grandmother who suffered a stroke. I remember back then being in my early twenties and absorbing and observing how caregiving can impact all aspects of one's life. Now decades later I see it within myself, and yet right now being busy with caregiving keeps me moving and my brain focused on something. Which is important for me, when these bouts of intense anxiety take hold of my life.
While my dad was at his memory care center today, I got some work accomplished. I then took my mom out for tea and I have to say I am so grateful to have our local Starbuck's so close to home. I have gotten to know everyone who works there, and they are so kind, as they walk teas and treats over to our table for us. Preventing me from having to jump up and down! These small acts of kindness make such a big difference in my life.
I woke up today with a "can do" attitude and spirit. These bright moments do not happen often for me, but this spirit enabled me to be productive, to manage my dad's needs calmly and patiently (which I do anyway, but today was even more intentional) and I tried to tackle issues and problems as they arose with a clearer head. I sometimes feel like I am drowning in tasks. But today, when that feeling arose, I just kept telling myself, I don't have to solve everything immediately. I do what I can do. My newest mantra!
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