Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. Mattie came home from kindergarten that afternoon and we decided to try to fly his kite. Our commons area in the city was the perfect spot to learn. It had a natural wind current and it was secure from cars and other vehicles. So Mattie could easily run around with the kite. I will never forget these moments in time.
Quote of the day: I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel
This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center. I came home and started making phone calls. I have so much on my plate, that I literally have lists taped to the lamp on my desk. This week alone, I have to deal with my mom's long term care insurance claim, one of my dad's pensions, trying to transfer their funeral contract to a local one in Virginia, and last but not least, I have to schedule a plumber to determine whether the house has a back flow device (a requirement in Fairfax County). I have more to do, but these are on my mandatory list for the week.
After some calls, I took my mom out. While in the car, my mom started to talk with me about what my life would have looked like if I had accepted the big government job I was offered in 2003 (on the day of my dissertation defense). I will spare you the details, but it took me a lot of effort to connect with a governmental agency to collect data for my doctoral dissertation. Try three years! Most agencies did not like an outsider coming in, assessing their caregiving services, and how their employees are managing these stresses. However, all my efforts paid off and I got connected with a great agency. The agency contact who worked with me and oversaw my work, was so fond of me, that at my dissertation defense, he announced to my committee that the agency was going to create a position for me. The head of their Work Life office. It would be a grade 14 position. An unheard of offer for a new graduate! However, this was going to be full time work. At that point Mattie was only one year old. I had to make the choice..... raise Mattie or work full time. I chose Mattie.
Now 22 years later, would I have made a different decision today, knowing what I know? The answer is a resounding NO! Certainly working would have given me money, health insurance, and a pension. Basically a secure future (which is crucial). However, I would have missed precious time with Mattie. Time I would never have gotten back! I would have lived now with regret and guilt, that I should have spent more time with Mattie, that I should have put him first, and that perhaps my lack of focus and attention on him caused him to get cancer. Not rational, but emotions aren't always rational.
I am quite sure if Mattie was healthy and remained in school, I would have taken on more work roles. But that wasn't meant to be. Mattie never progressed past kindergarten, because he was diagnosed with cancer. Again, my life took an unexpected turn. Once Mattie died, I couldn't see myself returning to teaching, but perhaps I should have re-invested my attention back to my interests in working for agencies and helping employees manage the challenges of their work life balance. Instead, once again, I chose Mattie. This time (in 2009) it wasn't the literal Mattie, but it was Mattie's Foundation. My second baby. I have devoted the last 15 years of my life to the Foundation and have done it all without pay or much recognition. Nonetheless, Mattie's life, journey, and death have to have meaning and purpose. All of which have become my LIFE'S work. At the end of the day, when I die, if I am known or remembered for helping other children with cancer and their families, then my work and devotion will not be in vain.
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