Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and truly starting to toddle. Mattie was a late walker, but once he decided to walk, there was no stopping him. This was our first family trip to the beach. We didn't spend much time by the water or on the sand, as both scared Mattie. I am thankful we had this wonderful porch, which came with a garden hose. Mattie loved playing with the hose and washing down everything. Though I wanted him to love the shore as much as I do, I went with what he wanted to do! The beauty of Mattie Brown.
Quote of the day: And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed. ~ Sarah Waters
I love tonight's quote! There does come a point where SIMPLY NO MORE WILL BE ABSORBED! I couldn't have said it better. I am tired of commentary I hear that this will make me stronger, I will gain insights to help others, and whatever other trite statement you can think of. You can keep piling on the grief and the trauma, but it just has no where to go. NO WHERE, because I am on overload.
I had friends come over to visit today. They enjoyed the pool and we had lunch together. I was pulled in several directions, as my car was being serviced, I was receiving communications from my lawyer, and with so many balls in the air, it was hard for me to pause. I do admit that pausing right now produces more angst than peace and rest. Because in free moments, the true reality of my loss overtakes me. I don't get sad or upset. I frankly am too confused over what has happened to be able to feel anything right now. The analogy of what is happening to me is like this..... for the last 35 years of my relationship with Peter, I saw and experienced the world in a certain way. For example, we all can agree on some givens in life.... such as we all speak English, the sky is up, and the ground is down. However, ten months ago when Peter left me, now see that the world around me is completely different. All the givens I thought I knew and that guided my life are no longer true. Instead, the world around me is figuratively speaking a different language and I am learning for the first time that the sky is not really up but instead it's down. Which leads me to question.... how didn't I know this? All of this is earth shattering because my whole foundation that grounds my existence has imploded, shattered, and it is hard to know how to function, much less recover.
There are times when literally I see no way forward. Nothing interests me, I find there is nothing to look forward to, and of course these moments of intense despair can be all consuming and scary. When I feel this overwhelming angst, I get up and go outside. This is when I pick up sticks, branches, fallen tree limbs, and pull weeds. It is my way to work out these incredible feelings and fears.
- Having wonderful friends
- My garden
- I received this hysterical Twitter clip tonight. I am sharing it with you in hopes that you find it as funny as I do:
1 comment:
Esther,
Thank you for your beautiful message, your generous gifts to Mattie Miracle, and for believing in me, my love for Mattie, and helping me find my way forward each day. Your loving comments mean more to me than you know. You are correct, I try to live and lead my life by caring and supporting others. It is something that always guided by life and I am honored that through my writings this comes through! Thank you for sharing these insights, for checking in each day, and for your kindness and compassion. Vicki
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