Saturday, June 27, 2009

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Quote of the day: "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Peter stayed with Mattie last night, and he told me that Mattie did not go to bed until after 1:30am. Mattie was up and down throughout the night, and fortunately Peter remembered to change Mattie's Fentanyl Pain patch at 2am. This transdermal patch needs to be replaced every 72 hours. I had completely forgotten about it, and thankfully Peter was on top of it. Nothing woke Mattie up this morning, even with me rummaging around through closets in his room and gardeners mowing the lawn in our complex. By 1pm, Peter woke Mattie up and from that point on, Peter kept Mattie busy, entertained, and moving from one activity to the next. I have no doubt after a full day with Mattie, Peter is simply played and wiped out. Mattie received a Lego set from the Page family in the mail, and Mattie was very focused on assembling this coast guard helicopter throughout the day. Thank you!

While Peter was with Mattie, I spent the majority of the day out of the house and with Ann's family. Ann's two daughters, Katie and Abigail, were in a dance recital today, and I had the good fortune to be able to participate in getting them ready and watching the performance. By the time I got to Ann's house, the girls' hair was already styled and their nails were done from the night before. So my sole focus was their makeup. I went to Ann's house with all sorts of make up products because I wasn't sure exactly what colors the girls wanted to wear. But based on their eye and hair colorings, I had a pretty good idea what would work best for them. By the time their make up was done, and they did not need much, they looked stunning. I did not get a picture of Katie and Abigail together, and hopefully if Ann has one, she will send it to me, so I can post it.

Unfortunately you can't see what I mean about Katie since I haven't posted a picture of her, but there was something about her eyes today that captured my attention. Maybe I never spent the time to really look at them, but they are very beautiful and dramatic. Like Marlene Dietrich's (a famous actress from the 30's and 40's) eyes. In a way capturing those eyes today was a special gift, and I am happy I had the opportunity to pause and take notice. I think it speaks to our harried lives, that we rush around from one activity to another sometimes, and yet miss the beauty that is right before our eyes. I snapped two pictures at the recital, and would have taken more, but there was no photography allowed during the performance.

Left: Abigail in her sailor costume. I don't think I have a seen a cuter sailor. Abigail has a wonderful stage presence and her personality simply lights up the stage.

Right: Abigail and Mary (Ann's mother)

I truly enjoyed seeing the children perform today. Abigail and Katie did a great job! However, in addition to the children performing there was a professional children's dance troupe that performed many different pieces. I guess I am a traditionalist at heart. After all, I have been a ballet supporter and have loved this form of expression all my life. Which may explain why I was STUNNED to see the dance moves that these children in the troupe were being asked to perform. Please keep in mind that this dance troupe has won many national awards, so this hip hop style clearly is a legitimate and competitive format. I think the children in the troupe are talented, and have a gift for dancing, but is it appropriate for young children to be wearing very suggestive costumes and to perform such provocative dance moves? I am all for dancing as a form of self expression, but I am saddened that young children are being asked and promoted to perform such lude and very sexual moves. I couldn't move past my feelings today, which made it difficult to enjoy this component of the show.

There are so many wonderful forms of dancing out there for our children to be exposed to first, and part of me couldn't help but feel concerned by what I was seeing. I saw YOUNG children forced to look older through an overwhelming amount of makeup and lack of clothing. To me they looked at least 10 years older than their actual age. Why rush their youth? They have a lifetime to act and look older, and I think any form of dance promoting that versus the beauty of the actual physical expression itself is questionable. I realize I may be in the minority with my viewpoints, but I guess I feel as Mattie's childhood is being striped away from him, I see the need more than ever to preserve this more innocent time in our children's lives.

In honor of the girls' recital today, I wanted to give them a little gift that captured this special day. I put together two cute bags filled with items I thought they would like such as hair bands, lotions, perfume, etc. I was thrilled to see how much Abigail liked this bag and took it with her to the performance. I have always thought that giving a gift is SO much better than receiving one. It gave me great pleasure to see that I made someone happy today.

After the performance, Ann's family and I all went out to lunch together. When lunch was over, we brought Mary (Ann's mom) back to her assisted living facility. While we were in the car Michael (Ann's son) started asking questions about illness, in particular Parkinson's disease. Michael mentioned how cancer and such diseases are one in the same, and they are like having a very bad cold in terms of their level of pain. I agreed with him by saying these illnesses are all awful, but unlike a cold, with some types of cancer and progressive illnesses, the patient isn't going to get better. Michael then said very sincerely that this wasn't going to be the case with Mattie. In essence that Mattie would get better. I told him I really hoped so. But that he made this connection back to Mattie was very touching.

I also had the opportunity to go out later in the day with Ann and Helen. While we were out, I had a moment to talk with Ann, and tell her how important today was for me. I felt like I escaped from my daily world, that I felt included in part of a family, and that in many ways today made me feel alive. It was only through talking with Ann that I realized perhaps I am depressed. Certainly not clinically per se, since I am functioning from my perspective, extremely well on the most challenging of circumstances. But it is true that I can't think of something now that would make me happy, mainly because I live in constant fear about Mattie's health and the sheer exhaustion of taking care of him day in and day out is overwhelming. In any case, this conversation I had with Ann today means more to me than she probably knows, and being a part of this happy occasion today was something I won't forget any time soon.

When I arrived home tonight, after being gone the entire day, Mattie gave me quite a greeting. He basically curled up in my lap for over 30 minutes and he verbalized how much he missed me. I told him that it is nice to hear that he missed me as much as I missed him. It was a touching reunion, and when Mattie looks at me, my heart melts, because I feel guilty for feeling tired, for being fed up, when he is fighting for his life. But I have come to the conclusion that this is part of living with cancer, and I can't apologize for my feelings. They are what they are.

I end tonight with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Friday was a day of disappointments. First, having to give up something that you enjoy so much and knowing that for at least the near future, attending the ballet is out of reach. I am sure it hurt to be reminded that not once this year did you get to use your tickets. Then, hoping to have a relaxed afternoon out ended the same way with Mattie needing you and you having to rush home. As it must, everything centers around Mattie and his needs. I am glad you got to go out to Ann's and help the girls get ready for the recital but I can hear the sadness that this is not the way your life is anymore. I hope the recital on Saturday goes well, that you get to attend and perhaps even that Mattie feels up to joining you afterwards."