Saturday, December 27, 2025

Saturday, December 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. We went to visit family and they had this jumper seat that hung from a door frame. You can see Mattie sitting in it. Mattie absolutely LOVED it. He loved it because he could walk around on his two feet, he could jump up and down, and I even used it as a swing. We eventually purchased one for our home, and it was a God send, because when I got tired of carrying Mattie, I would put him in this jumper and rock him gently. I can't tell you how many nights I used this contraption in order to get calm enough to then be lifted into his crib to sleep. For me it was better than a rocking chair.

Quote of the day: When you miss me, just look up to the night sky and remember, I’m like a star; sometimes you can’t see me, but I’m always there. ~ Jayde Nicole

My friend sent me this YouTube video about why hospitals can be dangerous for older adults. The video is about 13 minutes long, and the professional in the video is a hospice nurse, who previously worked in a hospital setting. So with that in mind, I knew the topic of hospice care was going to present itself somewhere.... and I was correct. Toward the end of the video she provided other options of care for older adults rather than traditional medical/hospital care. Certainly something to consider and to be aware of, but for me personally, I have issues with hospice. 

It is an interesting video, because this nurse walks us through why taking an older adult to a hospital, when presenting with symptoms, may not always be the best option. She recommends forming a bond with your loved one's primary care doctor and trying to triage issues that way! However, I have news for her, most doctors are edgy giving medical advice virtually especially when discussing a 90 year old like my father, who has multiple health conditions. Every time I have contacted my dad's doctor, his advice is to go to the ER. So it is balancing act as my dad's caregiver to determine when I can manage something and when I think medical attention is needed. That said, this nurse brings up outstanding points that we caregivers need to know about when we bring our loved ones to a hospital! 

Here are some of the main points that can happen with a hospital admission of an older adult:

• Hospitals cause deconditioning -- with time spent in bed, the body weakens
• Delirium - confusion, agitation
• Sleep disturbances 
• Hospitals overtreat issues, and usually treat the most pressing issue first
• Polypharmacy - hospitals typical prescribe six or more drugs to older adults and many of them can cause serious side effects 
• Hospital acquired infections

In my dad's case, she is 100% correct! With every hospital admission, bullet points #1-5, happen to my dad and by the time he is discharged, I am dealing with my dad's physical recovery and the side effects of hospitalization! Which adds significant burden onto the family caregiver! 

This afternoon, I took my parents out to our local diner. We go there every Saturday. I absolutely love the manager at this diner. She always looks out for me and my parents. Even though it was super crowded today, she found a booth for my parents right away. A week ago, the manager commented that she liked my headband. One of the telltale things about me are my headbands! I love them and collect them like people collect shoes or purses! Any case, this week, I tracked down the headband that she liked on me and I purchased one for her! Today I surprised her with it. I can't tell you how surprised and happy she was! There are certain people in my life that hug me every time they see me. She is one of them. I am sure hugs are shared because we have a bond, but what they most like are not aware of is that their hugs are the only hugs that I get now. My point is, this kindness means a lot to me. Do not under estimate the power of a hug, and I don't mean one in which you go through the motions, but a real hug. 

When I got back home today, I started making turkey soup with the carcass from my Christmas turkey. I have two pots going. I plan on freezing this soup, because as winter is upon us and we get snowy days that trap us inside, I love pulling out soup on those days! 

Friday, December 26, 2025

Friday, December 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. It was Mattie's first Christmas with us and it was a special time in our lives, as Mattie filled our world with adventure, challenges, and much joy. I will never forget his reindeer pajama and the charm and innocence that this photo captured.

Quote of the day: Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? ~ It's a Wonderful Life

I started the day out slowly because I am thoroughly exhausted. But by 8am, I dragged myself out of bed because unless I get it moving, nothing can get accomplished in my household. Like yesterday, today was another crime scene. This time it took place in the shower. My dad had a massive bowel movement, and he used his shower wand to spread it around the entire shower. It looked like a horrific crime scene. There are many issues with this behavior but the beauty of my dad's dementia is that seconds later he has NO KNOWLEDGE that he created this mess. I mean his mind is a complete blank! I have a whole strategy of what he can do in the shower if he needs to go the bathroom (because he can't move quickly and safely enough from the shower to the toilet), but unless verbally cued step by step, he can't sequentially think through problems himself. Needless to say, I had another very large clean up job this morning. 

While I was getting dressed this morning, I was listening to the radio. Have you been following the controversy of the removal of 22 minutes from the classic, It's a Wonderful Life? I attached an article so you could read more about it, but due to copyrighting issues, some companies are now streaming this abridged version. Here are the key facts, as they appear in the article:

• In 1974, the distributor failed to renew the movie’s copyright, sending “It’s a Wonderful Life” into the public domain. For nearly two decades, television stations freely aired the film — especially during the holidays — without paying royalties.
• While the film itself had fallen into the public domain, the rights to two underlying elements had been properly maintained: the original short story “The Greatest Gift,” by Philip Van Doren Stern, and the musical score by Dimitri Timokin.
• Republic Pictures, later acquired by Paramount, used those copyrights to effectively reclaim control over the movie’s distribution, arguing that any exhibition of the film required licensing the copyrighted story and music.
• The “Pottersville” sequence is the portion most directly adapted from Stern’s story.
• Legal experts say the abridged version appears to be a workaround — by removing that specific sequence, distributors may have believed they could avoid infringing on the short story’s copyright while still offering a version of the film.

If you are an It's a Wonderful Life fan like myself, I can't imagine gutting this classic and more importantly removing the whole sequence that helps us understand George Bailey's thought process and emotions of wanting to commit suicide to the transformation of realizing he really lived a wonderful life. It is vital to see the scenes between himself and his Angel Clarence, where Clarence enables George to experience how his mom's, wife's, brother's and countless Saving and Loan customers lives would have been negatively impacted if it weren't for his beautiful life. This movie is timeless because no matter the generation, we can all relate to George's feelings of dismay, feeling worthless, a failure, and letting people down. Sometimes we have to pause, take a step back and reflect on things in our lives in order to re-evaluate and appreciate our reality in a more comprehensive and balanced manner. Not being able to see and absorb George's transformation does a massive disservice to anyone watching this movie. After all, it is NOT realistic to go from being suicidal to happy go lucky from one scene to the next, without some sort of spark, glimmer, or work! It sounds to me that the abridged version removes the humanity from the film and for new viewers to this movie, I am sure they are left wondering.... now why was his life so wonderful? The full featured movie and the abridged movie are floating around the internet! So note to self.... find the original version, because the powerful realization that 'no man is a failure who has friends' is not just a trite statement but it is transformative for George. It is also transformative for us because George's journey is a human journey.  

Thursday, December 25, 2025

Thursday, December 25, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. I brought Mattie to the hospital because he was running a fever and wasn't feeling well. Before being admitted to the hospital, he went through the outpatient clinic. At the clinic, Santa and Mrs. Claus were visiting the children. If you notice Mattie had a pillow in front of him. He was so exhausted and depleted that he was resting his head on that pillow. However, when Santa came into the room, Mattie tried his best to get his head up and to greet Santa, as well as check out all the gifts he brought! It was a magical moment, because despite how sick Mattie was, he had a spirit about him that cancer could not diminish!

Quote of the day: Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, but when you lose someone (or in my case, more than one), Christmas just doesn't feel the same. The grief you feel especially around Christmas can suck the joy right out of you. ~ Jamie A. Cirello

I can safely say that juggling my dad while hosting a dinner is close to impossible. While yesterday he was constipated, today, was the exact opposite. It started when I woke him up this morning. He was sleeping in a mess, that got all over him and the bed, and it followed him into the bathroom! I had a huge clean up job this morning! I would have loved to say that was it, but NOPE! I had to change my dad twice while having dinner. Truly when this happens, I want to just scream, because I can never eat a meal in peace. In fact, tonight as I write this, I don't know if my dinner will stay down! 

After a beautiful day, my dad remembers NONE of it! He doesn't remember company coming over, he doesn't remember eating, and instead is asking constantly when is dinner. So at 9:45pm, I feel like I am on overload. 

Pictured here:

Seated (left to right):

my mom, my friend Ilona (who also lost an only child to cancer), and my dad

Standing (left to right):

Gladys (visiting from Peru), Koseth, Cesar, Charlotte (my God Daughter), and Attila (Ilona's husband)

A photo of my plate.........

• Turkey 
• cranberry sauce
• ginger carrots
• beans with mint
• sweet potato souffle
• stuffing with apples and cherries

The spirit and colors of Christmas in the kitchen!

Cesar took a selfie of us!

Me with my God Daughter, Charlotte. Every visit, we take a photo in front of Mattie's Mr. Sun! 

On an aside, every Christmas I wear the same thing. I wear it for two reasons. The first, is it easy to wear especially when working in the kitchen, but the primary reason is what it symbolizes to me. I bought those tops in December of 2009, three months after Mattie died. I remember that feeling back then.... a feeling that it was NOT okay to buy something for myself. That the world ended, so why did I need anything else? That I in essence died when Mattie died. I literally forced myself to buy those items, as a way to try to find a way in this world. So these tops are symbolic to me.... they remind me of Mattie's loss and how, now 16 years later, I am still trying to find a way to navigate in a world without him. 

All the ladies...

my mom, me, Charlotte, Koseth (Charlotte's mom), and Gladys (Koseth's mom)

Every Christmas I try to get items that Charlotte wants! She is ten years old and loves to read and also loves Legos! So she is actually very easy to shop for and she reminds me of me when I was her age. As an only child, I went to many dinners at my parent's friends homes. I learned to listen, to observe people and their feelings, and I also learned the art form of sitting still. Amazing how our formative years influence our entire life!

I am very grateful to have the assistance of my friends Ilona and Attila! As Ilona helped me serve and clean up and Attila was my master turkey carver! I am so thrilled Attila takes this on, because I dislike carving turkeys. When I was married, my other half did this, and truly it saddens me that I face Christmas and another year ahead as a divorced woman. This is my second Christmas being single, and one would think it would get easier. But I think when you have someone in your life for 35 years who you loved, trusted, and grew up with, two years means nothing! 

Wednesday, December 24, 2025

Wednesday, December 24, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. If you look carefully you can see Mattie was in the process of eating a frosted donut! When Mattie was on chemotherapy, there were some foods he absolutely craved. The rest of the time, Mattie hardly ate at all! So if he wanted something.... we made sure we acquired it for him. Friends dropped off all sorts of fun Christmas things for Mattie, including the magnetic Santa attached to his wheelchair and those red Christmas stockings. Though the stockings were meant to be hung, Mattie decided we wanted to wear them instead! That was my last Christmas with Mattie!

Quote of the day: For it is in giving that we receive. ~ St. Francis of Assisi

It is 9:40pm and this is the first time I actually sat down today! I got up at 6:15am and hit the ground running, as my dad had a physical therapy session at 10am and I had a ton to do to prepare for Christmas dinner. On top of everything else I was juggling today, my dad was dealing with constipation all day! Which I assure you is like hell on earth, because with his dementia, he focuses on what is bothering him, and will want to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes! Making it challenging for me to get anything done. 

While on the phone with my dad's cardiology office, my doorbell rang! I wasn't expecting anything, but when I got there, a lovely fellow handed me this amazing gift! Truly look at this tray... there is something for everyone. I received this gift from my friend Cheryl. If you have been following along in this blog, then you know I have never met Cheryl, but at one time we were related by my marriage. Cheryl doesn't live near me, but she got to know me through reading this blog, which she still does daily. That is 17 years of reading about my day and my reflections. That alone is a gift! As I was dealing with a horrible separation and then divorce, Cheryl has become one of the amazing and trustworthy friends in my life who I can turn to in a crisis. From this tray, you can tell Cheryl knows the way to my heart! As I always say.... YOU CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH CHOCOLATE!!!

Tomorrow, I am lucky enough to have a group of friends who I celebrate Christmas with and as such I really wanted to make it a lovely day. In order to host this event the way I want, it requires daily work for a week. Today, I was scheduled to make my coconut layer cake! However, my head and heart were heavy, because while working in the kitchen on a big meal, it was glaringly evident who was missing by my side. Cooking always went more smoothly when my other half was present. I got so swept away in emotions and thoughts that as I was putting the ingredients together, I threw in almond extract instead of coconut extract! I didn't visually see what I did, but fortunately I have a nose like a blood hound. I immediately smelled almonds and it stopped me in my tracks! Thankfully I hadn't mixed the dry and wet ingredients together, so I was able to salvage some of the ingredients and then had to redo the wet ingredients because I did not want to mix the flavors of coconut and almond. The point is, this can easily happen to me whenever I reflect on my marriage. Any case, this is the final product which is now chilling in the refrigerator. 

After baking the cake, I paused and served my parents lunch and then went back at Christmas preparation. I peeled countless carrots for tomorrow and all I will have to do on Christmas is cook everything. There is NO MORE prep to do! Which is important! I was reflecting with my former mother-in-law today about so many things, but one of which is my turkey. I learned how to marinade and cook a turkey from her, because when I got married, I had no idea how to cook a big bird. I modified things over the years, but she gave me my start! Ironically though I grew up with my maternal grandmother and she was a great cook, she wrote no recipes down and she really did not like to be shadowed in the kitchen. So unfortunately many of her recipes died with her! 

This evening, I set the table for tomorrow. I shared photos with my former mother-in-law, and she reflected back that not everyone hosts an event like me! Meaning, she is aware of the time, love, and attention to detail I put into Christmas. This table is a combination of me, my mom, and my grandmother. The poinsettia napkins belonged to my grandmother, the Christmas rose centerpiece belongs to my mom, and the rest is me. Over the course of my marriage, we collected or were given many beautiful things. 

The kitchen is set up for tomorrow. My entire married life, we lived in an apartment and my kitchen was the size of a postage stamp. When we bought this house, I fell in love with the kitchen. Since I like to cook and gather with friends, I had such high hopes for the many special times we would have here. But as I have learned time and time again, life typically doesn't go as planned and nothing in life is guaranteed.  

I am very fortunate to have some truly remarkable friends. Every Christmas, my friend, Carolyn, gives me, my mom, and dad gifts. It is so thoughtful that my friends want to remind me that we are never forgotten. One of the gifts was a box filled with some of my favorite chocolates and this knitted sunflower.... the symbol of Team Mattie! 

As tomorrow is Christmas, I wish all my readers who celebrate this beautiful holiday a wonderful and memorable day. May you always know how grateful I am that you continue to check in on the blog, read about Mattie and me, and help me keep Mattie's legacy alive. That is a bereaved mother's greatest Christmas gift. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2025

Tuesday, December 23, 2025 -- Mattie died 825 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That day we took him to Tower Oaks, a restaurant in Rockville, MD. Outside the restaurant is greenery and a small pond. Mattie absolutely loved this space, which was why I chose to take this photo there to feature on the front of our Christmas card. I will never forget that smile. 

Quote of the day: There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

This morning, while my dad was having his physical therapy session my friends came over for a visit. This is my friend, JP, from Boston. He is my friend, Ann's cousin.  

My life is laborious and managing non-stop crises from moment to moment. Having others visit instills another perspective, a breath of fresh air, and a diversion. It added excitement to our day, but once everyone was gone, it felt like I returned to my usual caregiving vacuum. I actually do not like holidays, because there is a level of quiet that comes over the neighborhood and our roads. It just seems to heighten my isolation.  

Ann took the selfie of all of us together. Pictured are:

Ann, holding her phone, then

JP, me, and my friend Tanja, and behind us were Ann's Aunt Helen and my mom!

This afternoon, after taking my parents out for frozen yogurt, I came home and visited my neighbor, who is recovering from a fall. When she saw me, she said..... YOU LOST MORE WEIGHT? As she is worried about me. We chatted for a while, I helped her with a few things and then headed home to cook dinner and also thoroughly clean my Christmas turkey. 

I love Empire turkeys, and this fellow got a good bath, remaining feathers plucked and now it is marinading in the refrigerator with orange marmalade, lemon zest, lemon juice and herbs!

While eating dinner tonight, I noticed my dad did not eat his dinner. When I asked him why he wasn't eating, he said he was full! I am not sure how that was possible since he did not eat much today! There are many things I despise about Alzheimer's disease, but one of the main things that is hard to take is it makes the person very narrowly focused. Not unlike a child, the only focus and concern is for one's self! My dad has no appreciation for what I balance, he has no comprehension of my divorce and the circumstances behind it, and he has absolutely no concept for the financial gymnastics I play each month. Most days I can handle this and put it into context, but then a day like today, I just can't! Especially when he asks me to do ten things at one time. My joke is that my dad apparently thinks I am an octopus, who has multiple arms to manage each demand he throws out at me. 

Monday, December 22, 2025

Monday, December 22, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. It was Mattie's first Christmas with us! I don't know if you can see the pacifier ornament behind us on the tree? Ironically I still have this ornament, but not the cutie I was holding. When you look at this photo, Mattie looked like the picture of health. I remember that sweet bundle of energy, and no matter how many Christmases pass, I will never understand why cancer striped my identity of being a mom. Priceless face, smile, and boy!

Quote of the day: Trees quiet without the birds, my heart quiet without you. ~ Terri Guillemets

Today was my dad's first day back at his memory care center since his hospitalization. He wasn't eager to return, but I felt it was important for him to have the mental stimulation. Naturally before I allowed him to return, I talked to the staff and requested that someone shadow my dad whenever he is moving, as he needs supervision. It was a busy morning because my mom had a physical therapy session at home and I also had a gardening crew over helping me cut limbs off of trees, shape bushes, and most importantly clean off the roof and gutters of leaves. Though we have leaf protectors on the gutters, they still need cleaning off, as leaves tend to pile up on the gutter covers. Last year I got out a ladder to deal with leaves above the garage door, but this year, the team who helps me maintain the outside said..... VICKI do NOT get up on a ladder. You have way too much going on and people who need your support! So I listened!

As crazy as this sounds, just hearing people working outside the house today made me very edgy! I have no idea why, but the noise of saws, blowers, and other equipment practically had me jumping out of my skin. So while feeling that way, I took on a task!  

As I mentioned last night, each day before Christmas, I am prepping a different dish. That way, on Christmas day, all I have to do is cook everything. There is no way I could host a dinner and juggle my dad without all this prep work. But honestly, I am better working and moving! As cooking, cleaning, and gardening are my forms of therapy! 

Today, I prepped stuffing for my turkey. When I got married, I was given a cookbook from a local Boston farm. This recipe is from this cookbook, but I have modified it over the years. This stuffing has NO meat in it. It is comprised of bread, onions, celery, apples, cherries, chicken stock, butter, wine, and parsley. Since my dad LOVES stuffing, I made a large quantity of it this year!

By mid-day, I stopped chores and took my mom out for tea. We haven't been for tea in two weeks! When we walked into Starbuck's the general manager came over to talk with me. He said that everyone working there was worried about me! I explained to him what had happened with my dad, but it was nice to know someone noticed I wasn't there! Some days I think if I just disappeared, who would notice?

I received many gifts from friends today. This package came from California. My mom's friend is a baker and in my opinion she makes the best gingerbread cookies. Every December she mails me a tin of cookies! She says she wants to picture me sitting with a cup of tea and a cookie, and taking a minute to myself! What a beautiful wish! 

My friend Heidi mailed me a wonderful box of chocolates! Can anyone ever have enough chocolate? Well not in my house! How did I meet Heidi? The irony is Heidi got to know me first through this blog! After Mattie died, I attended a Zumba class. When I walked into the classroom, Heidi happened to be there too. She knew me, but I did not know her! She came over and gave me a big hug! Seriously I had no idea who was hugging me, until she told me she felt like she knew me from my writings..... and that is how our friendship started! 

As I mentioned before, I sometimes despise getting the mail. As there are always surprises in it, and by surprises I mean bills. I was awaiting a particular invoice that came in today, but when I looked at the amount, I almost flipped out, as the amount was double what I was expecting. I even called the company, because I thought there had to be a mistake! There wasn't! I am not going to get into it here, but this was a financial decision my dad made years ago, and frankly it wasn't a wise choice. I literally was screaming around the house today and my conclusion is I always relied on the two men in my life to look out for my financial future. That was a royal mistake! I was always treated like a person who couldn't understand numbers and therefore others should be making these decisions for me. Well what I have learned since my divorce is that I should have maintained all the financial decisions. Sure I am not an economist, I am not an investor, or mathematically oriented, but I am a logical thinker, understand the flow of money, and have common sense! NEVER again, will I ever rely on ANYONE to manage my life or my finances. 

My agitation over this mailing made my mom very upset. All of this is devastating for my mom to witness what has happened to my life over the last two years. I have to remember, she is a mom who has seen her daughter decimated. Any case, I switched gears and told her I was going to wash, color, and blow dry her hair. Normally I take her to the salon, but her salon appointment never happened because of my dad's hospitalization! Any case, this activity stabilized her and I have to remind myself, that issues, problems and crises, can't be shared with anyone in my house. Instead, I must absorb these issues and manage them alone. 

Deeply grateful for every note, card, gift and form of support. While out today, I heard a Dolly Parton song playing, called Hard Candy Christmas. If you have never heard it, I attached it below. But some how it is a song that gets me every time I hear it as my family went from three, to two, and now to one... making Christmas very hard!

Sunday, December 21, 2025

Sunday, December 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old. That Christmas we took Mattie to Boston for him to spend time with his paternal grandparents. Though it was cold out, my former mother-in-law knew Mattie needed to go outside and move! So literally they were playing in the sandbox in December! I am posting this photo today because it is my former mother-in-law's birthday. I have been in her life since I was 19 years old and spent a great deal of time at her house over the last 30+ years. Though legally I am no longer her daughter-in-law, we share a bond that can't be broken, and we most definitely are committed to Mattie's memory and legacy. 

Quote of the day: I love you past the moon and miss you beyond the stars. ~ J.M. Storm

Over the course of the last two weeks, my mom has been exhausted and dealing with cold like symptoms. Certainly running back and forth to the hospital for my dad did not help her situation. But she is not improving. This morning, I swabbed her nose for the Flu and Covid, and she is negative. However, I contacted her doctor because I felt she needs antibiotics, given her extensive lung condition. He agreed, especially as the holidays are coming up, we want to stabilize her situation. 

So after getting my dad showered, dressed, and downstairs, I gave him a hair cut and then had him relax in his recliner. I then ran out to the pharmacy and back to the grocery store. Running chores requires me to think through logistics, because I can't leave my dad for long as my mom truly can't care for him. 

Later in the afternoon, I took them out to brunch, at the restaurant we venture to every Sunday. It was our first time back there in two weeks. Of course no meal is ever complete, without contending with my dad's irritable bowel syndrome. All I know is my parents are lucky I have a strong constitution, because after cleaning him up, most people would be sick to their stomachs. While in the bathroom, I could hear two women talking to each other. Each one was complaining about wrapping Christmas gifts and other (what I deem as) more normal tasks and chores. As I was listening, while cleaning my dad in one of the stalls, I wanted to scream out and say.... really, you have NO IDEA how lucky you are to have parties to go to, the money to wrap and exchange presents, and if I could trade childhood cancer, seeing my parents decline, and my divorce with you, I would do it in a heart beat. 

When I got home, it was back to back chores..... packages of supplies delivered, laundry needed to be folded, dishes put away from the dishwasher, and also this week, I have been treating my mom's feet with Epsom Salts, as she has intense pain in her toes. This happens every Winter, because of odd gait (walking with toes in the air), her toes rub against her closed toed shoes and it generates pain. She does a lot better in the summer wearing sandals. 

I am hosting Christmas dinner at my house and in order to pull this off, I have to address this methodically. I prep one dish a day. It gets prepped stored in the refrigerator and not actually cooked until Christmas. I have done this routine for years, even before my divorce. It is the only way to manage a big meal. Of course, whenever I make our family's sweet potato souffle, I am reminded of being married. We did everything together and truly tasks and life in general went smoother and was better when I have my other half.