Saturday, February 13, 2010

Saturday, February 13, 2010

This is a first in a series of photos I will be posting while we are away that captures the activities and antics of Mattie in February 2009. It is almost hard to believe and accept that just a year ago Mattie was alive, fighting a battle of a lifetime, and yet still energetic and playing. In tonight's photo, Mattie was in the Lombardi Clinic and Jessie (one of Mattie's art therapists) was painting Mattie's foot red, while Jenny (one of Mattie's art therapists) was holding his foot up and steady. The question I imagine you asking is why was Jessie painting Mattie's foot? Some of my readers may recall that Jenny and Jessie designed a wall plaque to welcome children and their families to the fifth floor of the hospital, where the PICU unit is located. Jenny and Jessie asked Mattie if he wanted to add his hand print to this plaque. Mattie showed absolutely no interest in this endeavor, until I suggested a foot print. That caught his attention, and gladly held up "George," (his left foot) for the process. The irony is, when Mattie did this project, a part of me, even then, reflected on the fact that a part of Mattie would always be captured right outside the PICU welcoming other children to the floor. To me this remembrance is very special, and you should know that only TWO children have their prints on this plaque. One is Morgan, an adorable little baby, who put her hand print on the plaque, and the other is of course Mattie!

Poem of the day: IF ROSES GROW IN HEAVEN

If Roses grow in heaven,

Lord please pick a bunch for me,

Place them in my [son's] arms

and tell him they're from me

Tell him that I love him and miss him,

and when he turns to smile,

place a kiss upon his cheek

and hold him for awhile.

Because remembering him is easy.

I do it every day,

but there's an ache within my heart

that will never go away

I had a very difficult time sleeping last night. In fact, I am not sure if I slept at all. I am not sure why, perhaps my mind was running a mile a minute, or I was getting anxious about traveling. I am not sure. Nonetheless, as I started to get ready for our trip today, I found myself crying at home, at the airport, and on the plane. Why? Because unlike last week's trip, this week's trip signified our first family vacation since Mattie died. However, what was blatently obvious is that our key family member, Mattie, was missing. It was a very unsettling feeling to go on this trip today, and I felt guilty that Mattie wasn't with me. In addition, to these emotional feelings which were overwhelming in and of themselves, we also experienced three hours of turbulence. I was edgy coming onto the flight from not sleeping and then thinking of Mattie, and the turbulence was just what I needed to send me right over the edge. I felt badly for Peter who had to deal with my death grip for the entire flight, but his response to my apologies was that I basically had to be myself. Which is helpful because when I really am overwhelmed from motion, I literally just have to work things out on my own time. Peter and I safely landed in Puerto Rico, but because I suffer from motion sickness, I still feel as if I am moving up and down even on solid ground.

As Peter and I were landing, I handed him the camera and he took some pictures. Here is one of the photos we captured on our approach to San Juan. We traveled in clouds for the entire flight until the very end, when things became clearer. However, the plane had too much fuel on board to land, and we had to circle San Juan for about 40 minutes until we burned enough fuel to land. That was an experience, and I can still feel the circling in my head. 

We met up with my parents at the hotel, and we all had lunch together and caught up with each other. The weather is beautiful and in the 80s. Very different from the cold and snow we left behind. We had the opportunity to take an hour walk today, and I am sharing two pictures we snapped along the way. The one on the left is of my mom and I, and the one on the right is of Peter and I.

We board the ship tomorrow afternoon, and it is my utmost attempt to try to relax and escape my daily thoughts. But it isn't easy. There are many children staying at the hotel in Puerto Rico, and this naturally only makes me see what is missing in our lives.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Tom and I commented as we dug our way out that "snow is for the young" We no longer have any children at home and so for us it is an obstacle instead of an opportunity. Amazing how your prespective changes with children around. Although it was very cold yesterday, I think seeing the sun made a big difference for everyone and I am so glad you did get out into the fresh air and had an excursion with Ann. I've found much the same as you reported, that for the most part people were patient and kind when driving or in stores with a few exceptions. As I said, I was grateful to be able to make class yesterday and I hope to do so again today. I am a new student of yoga and meditation and it is difficult for me. I am used to "powering through" or "gutting it out" but that simply doesn't work with this just as it will not work for you with regard to dealing with your grief. It is one day at a time, taking it from wherever you are, being patient, loving and forgiving of yourself. As always when I practice, I will send my energy to you. I hold you gently in my thoughts."