Sunday, March 7, 2010

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was dressed for his first day of summer camp at Resurrection Children's Center, his preschool! Mattie loved summer camp because it involved all the things he loved the most: playing in the sand, playing with water, and creating! Unlike most children, after three or four hours of camp, Mattie wasn't the least bit tired, he was energized when I picked him up. He was ready to go right back out to the school's playground and jump back into the sand box. Fortunately Mattie had many buddies who enjoyed doing the same things and Mattie developed quite a play group during his summer camp days. I am so happy I allowed Mattie to have this unstructured time, to freely play, have lunch and ice creams with his friends. Having the pressure of a time schedule some times causes more stresses than necessary and is counter productive, especially when children are so young. I look back at these more peaceful days and I realize these moments are the foundations of positive memories. It wasn't important how many activities Mattie was enrolled in or accomplished. What he accomplished with the freedom of time was the opportunity to develop his own interests and close connections with friends.

Poem of the day: Shopping by Lana Golembeski

“May I help you?”
The answer is always “no, thank you.”
And then I say I am fine
When in reality my words are nothing more than lies.
My heart is so weary
Of trying to pretend I am feeling cheery.
Behind those laughing eyes
Lies pain on the face in whose falsehood lies.
Broken heart and broken dreams
A false facade hides in those unheard screams.
Pain no one could ever imagine
Fights a fight that no one can ever win.
“May I help you?” The clerk repeats
And again I say “no” as our eyes meet.
Things are not okay nor will they ever be okay.
Although every night and day in my heart I pray and pray.

This morning I received a call from Tamra (our friend, a SSSAS mom, and MMCF board member). Tamra wanted to let Peter and I know that Kathy Jenkins (SSSAS' Lacrosse coach) was hosting a lacrosse tournament today and at the tournament there would be a fundraiser for The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. I knew that Kathy was thinking of doing this at some point, but I was unaware of when, so this morning when Tamra told me, I was surprised. I quickly got myself together and drove to Mattie's upper school campus to show my support for Kathy's efforts. I had never met Kathy before, but I know she is a big Mattie supporter and avid reader of the blog. I migrated my way to the field, and was able to find Kathy. She instantly knew who I was, and she introduced me to several people who were helping collect money for the Foundation. Tamra and her daughter, Meredith, met me at the field and I explained to Tamra and Kathy that if they decide to host other MMCF fundraising opportunities that the Foundation would be happy to assist them. Peter and I are very grateful to Kathy's determination and dedication to our cause, and I am so happy I had the opportunity to personally thank her today and to see the wonderful work she does with girls' lacrosse at SSSAS.

Later in the afternoon, I went to visit Mary (Ann's mom). Mary was happy to see me. Her new assisted living facility is trying to figure out just who I am. After all I am not her daughter or a relative, but could I really just be her FRIEND? One of the aides on Friday thought I was Mary's niece. I explained to the aide that I am not related to Mary at all, that we are just good friends. Mary piped in and said that she wished we were related because we understand each other, we have a lot in common, and as she told me today, I make her feel special. What I love about Mary is she is honest. There are no pretenses, she calls things as she sees it.

Tonight Peter and I went out for dinner at our local Chinese restaurant. We took Mattie to this restaurant all the time, and as we sat at our usual table, I couldn't help but reflect that someone special was missing from dinner. Mattie always sat between us, usually building Legos. It was at that point, that many mixed emotions hit me. I told Peter that others may try very hard to understand how we are feeling, but in all reality at the end of the day it is only us who truly sit in this pain. When I sit in this realization long enough, I find that this is a very lonely place to be.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I can understand how the conversation about "chick and chuck" turned into something completely hysterical. I have had those sorts of totally absurd conversations with others when we are trying to guess what something might mean and we really have no idea. The things we come up with are pretty creative and often downright silly but it is a wonderful stress reliever. I thought your two dreams were very interesting. The one in which you have a child on your lap who loves you but whose face you cannot see has an interesting interpretation. According to some dream dictionaries, it means you are searching for a part of your identity; perhaps you are trying to find out who you are now that Mattie is no longer physically in your life. Supposedly, dreams about the circus indicate that you have given a wrong impression to others. Perhaps this is a way for you to let people know that you are not as "okay" as you sometimes seem? I do think you also hit it correctly with the contrast between the two of Mattie alive and Mattie gone; that contradiction lives on in your heart. I think it was lovely of Brandon and his family to do the mass for Mattie; what a special way to honor the friendship they had. There are many people who were with you during Mattie's battle with cancer; they remain not just because of Mattie (although he certainly is a part of that) but because of you and Peter as well. You are such special people; the connections you forge are lasting. I hope the energy I found in my practice today helps you to continue to navigate the path as you go about your day. I hold you gently in my thoughts."