Similar to the past couple of nights, tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007, during Mattie's trip to Dutch Wonderland. After a full day at the park, we ended the visit with a boat ride in the park. The actual captain of the boat, relinquished his seat and allowed Mattie to sit and navigate the boat. As many of my readers know, Mattie LOVED boats. So much so that when we found out that Mattie's cancer spread, our immediate thought was to grant Mattie a special wish. Which was to pilot his own boat. Team Mattie mobilized forces, and believe me, some amazing boat offers came our way. However, by that point Mattie was too sick, and was frightened to go on a boat. This was deeply upsetting to me, because this indicated just how ill Mattie was and how cancer had changed him. When I came across this photo tonight, it brought a smile to my face, because Mattie did get to be a captain of a boat, and I had forgotten. He loved that day at Dutch Wonderland and the thrill of acting like the captain.
Poem of the day: Time
Is Time my friend
Or my enemy
Yes, Time has washed away the sharp edges
The intensity of the pain
And provided some relief
But will Time rob me of the images
I need to hold on to
Will it take the sound of his voice
Will it take the feel of his tight hug
Will the bright smile fade away
Along with the quick laughter
That always softened my heart
I have a place where he visits
Inside my heart and soul
Whenever I go there
He is waiting
And we talk awhile
When I move around this altered world
I feel his hands on my shoulders
As if to say
You can do it Mom
I know you can
So please Time
Go easy on me
Allow me to savor these images
It's all that left to me now
Allow his strength and gentleness
To stay with me
And my heart to remain open
While he waits for me
Today was a difficult day from start to finish. This poem sums up my feelings quite well. I know on some level I operate in an "altered world," but it isn't until I interact with people who are not intimately involved with my suffering do I realize just how profoundly different I am. One thing is for certain, time isn't the great healer and most definitely DOES NOT heal all wounds. It is a cliche that should be removed from our lexicon as we discuss grief. The one thing that time does do is exactly what the poem suggests, it fades away the physical nature of Mattie from my mind. I remember his smile, touch, smell, and what he sounds like, or let's say I desperately try to remember. However, time most definitely strips away the clarity of these important images and feelings to me, and this daily struggle I have with these feelings are very upsetting.
As I was driving this morning to an all day professional association board meeting, I was listening to the radio. The station I frequently listen to is in the midst of a two day radiothon, raising money for St. Jude's Hospital. To raise money and bring awareness to the public of the impact and devastation of pediatric cancer, the radio station plays tributes from family members about how they felt when their child was diagnosed with cancer or died from cancer. Hearing this while driving was very intense, mainly because I very much related to everything I was hearing. If Mattie never had cancer, I am not sure I would have gotten the full emotional impact of what I was listening to. After hearing a tribute or two, the station then played a song by Alabama entitled, "I believe there are angels among us." This is a very moving song, and while listening to it, I landed up crying. Not a good thing to be doing while driving on The George Washington Parkway! I attached a link to the song if you would like to hear it. I should warn you that some of the photos in the video may be disturbing to some. Nonetheless, I think the song expresses so many emotions. Mattie was my angel, and through him, he introduced me to Ann and all my amazing Georgetown angels. When I am down, which can happen often, I reflect on these beautiful women who do feats of kindness and love each and every day.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ey0HrEvh44c&feature=related
I have been absent from my professional board position since Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Today was literally my first day back in a way. Everyone was very kind, thoughtful, and gracious with me. I should mention that one board member faithfully reads Mattie's blog, and another made a contribution to the Foundation today! But despite that, I internally feel different. It is almost like I have come back from a war, and have been left with the internal trauma, trauma that others may be able to sense in me, but that only I can feel. Mattie's death has forever changed me and my perspective. Things that seemed important to me, now do not have the same interest or impact. I discussed my feelings with Peter tonight, because I knew he would understand exactly how I felt. After all, despite intense grief, he had to go back to work and actually function. I admit, Peter gives me the luxury of being able to grieve in whatever way I need to, which means not working now. It is hard to have so many emotions inside, and yet put them aside for several hours a day and go to work. My hats off to Peter, I don't know how he does it.
Somehow in my darkest moments Ann and Karen seem to know when to swoop in. Ann called me while I was driving home from my meeting and Karen was e-mailing me while I was home. I consider myself very fortunate that they both try to understand my confusion, my moodiness, and my highs and lows. I guess what it comes down to is the fact that I no longer feel normal, and can not talk about normal every day things. If you talk to me about life and death situations or crises, I can relate quite well, and I am comfortable. Based on what Peter and I endured within the PICU for over a year, this doesn't come to me as a surprise. Intellectually I get it, but emotionally it is hard to accept.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I hope the meetings go well. They can be very exhausting whether or not you have something else on your mind. If it is difficult to stay focused, accept that. Be where you need to be in your heart and in your mind. Fighting yourself just wastes energy so allow the feelings to happen, try not to judge them or yourself. How nice of Kathy to present you the money from the fund raiser personally; you and Mattie have had a tremendous impact on those around you including some who never met you in person. It was lovely of you to be with Ann's daughters for the afternoon and I am sure they enjoyed it as much as you did. I am headed out to the Shenandoah Valley for the weekend and I am not sure I will be able to log on from there but I will be sending you the energy and the peace I find being closer to nature and G-d in the slower, quieter space. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my colleague, Susan, who faithfully reads Mattie's blog. Susan wrote, "Good Morning Vicki! I was SO pleased to hear that you will be attending the AMHCA board meeting this weekend. It just sounded like it might be a little touch of "normalcy" for you, whatever "normalcy" means at this point in life. I always have powerful thoughts and good memories of our March board meetings whether they were in a foot of snow or 70 degree weather - both of which happened during my six years on the board, and I continue to miss that type of professional interaction. I do hope that you feel surrounded by caring people both at the board meeting and through your blog. Gosh, Vicki, I'm already wondering how I'm going to start my mornings next fall after you give up the blog. I have come to count on this "put things into perspective, Susan" check each morning and always wonder how your next day will feel to you. I hope you are well physically, and I wish you the best each day. Have a good meeting, and give my best to the board."
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