Thursday, March 11, 2010Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007, during Mattie's first and only visit to Dutch Wonderland (a theme park in Pennsylvania). The ironic part is before attending Resurrection Children's Center, Mattie's preschool, Mattie HATED slides. Slides were scary to Mattie, despite my best efforts to sit with him and coax him to try them However, as you can see in the picture, Mattie clearly overcame any apprehension he had about slides. He had a fun time with Peter on the slides and roller coasters that day. Fortunately Mattie took after Peter in this respect, since they both loved adventure and motion.
Poem of the day: Did he meet you like you imagined? by Kim Hodne
Did He meet you like you imagined
Did He lead you home
Was there the bright light
At the end of the tunnel
Is the emptiness gone
Are you never lonely
Is the hole in your heart filled now with joy
Are the struggles over
Is it like the mountaintop
That brought Him so close to you before
Is the light of His face light shining upon you
Are the battles of the mind over
Do you walk with Him
Along the paths and beautiful canyons
Are all the questions answered
Is all the anxiety gone
Do you think of us
The ones left behind
Can you see the ache in our hearts
The tears in our eyes
We feel you close by
In all the Creator’s beauty of Nature
And someday we will know
You’ll both lead us home
On Friday and Saturday, I will be attending all day board meetings, for the American Mental Health Counselors Association. These are the first professional meetings I will be attending since Mattie died. These meetings will either be a wonderful mental distraction or they will wipe me out. At this particular moment, I can't tell which will result. However, those who have experienced intense grief, know very well, that grieving has a real physical component to it. I have never been so sapped of energy as I have been since Mattie's death. Again, it may be hard for others to perceive this energy drain within me, but I can feel it. It is ever present.
I had the opportunity to meet with Kathy Jenkins today. Kathy works at Mattie's school as the girls' lacrosse coach, and I believe Kathy is also the founder of this girls' lacrosse program at the school. My readers may recall that last Sunday, Kathy had a fundraiser for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. This fundraiser was very successful, and Kathy met me to personally give me the contributions. I am very touched by Kathy's passion, motivation, and dedication to help children with cancer, and to remember Mattie in this way.
I spent the afternoon with Ann's girls, since Ann was on a school field trip with her son. The three of us had a good time together, and it was nice to spend time outside with them. They designed their own treasure hunt games in the yard which were very entertaining and creative. But what completely caught my attention was the fact that the girls like to climb trees. Though I did not share this story with Abigail, Ann's youngest daughter today, I too liked to climb trees when I was her age. My grandmother and mom weren't thrilled with this notion, but as Abigail said today, climbing "soothes the soul." Fascinating expression, and I never thought about it this way! Abigail was proud of her tree climbing skills and she suggested that I take a picture of her so that I could show her parents tonight. Naturally they have seen her climb trees before, but I guess she wanted the moment documented, or perhaps wanted them to know she was thinking of them.
Left: As you can see this is NO small tree. Abigail is on top, and Katie (Ann's oldest daughter) is on the lowest limb, and their neighbor is in the middle.
Right: Look closely, Abigail is actually smiling all the way up there.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Yesterday must have been a good but bittersweet day. I am so delighted you got to spend time with Junko and get a massage; touch is so important and so healing and in our society we often do not touch enough. Frequently, those I work with who are grieving tell me how much they wish to be held or hugged but they've been conditioned not to ask and those around them have been trained not to touch without permission. As a result, we stand alone much more often than we should and we have to find ways to overcome this "deficit". Clearly this was not the case with you and Mattie; most of the pictures of you show you in physical contact with each other. I know you miss this greatly. You and Mattie had such a special relationship and I can see that reflected in the response of his friends (and their parents) to you. As I practice today and reflect on my physical self as well as my spiritual one, I will send my energy to you to help bridge the gap. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "It seems that Tuesday will never be the same for Peter and you. I believe that those of us who love your family and traveled your path, trying to bring some comfort and peace when possible, will view Tuesday as an anniversary too. A few days ago, Marv and I were going through some boxes trying to see if we could make space for newer acquisitions. We came upon a box of books. I went through them and found this book of poetry. It's called "I Touch the Earth, the Earth Touches Me" by Hugh Prather(1972). I had heard of him, yet, never knew how prolific a writer he is. Anyhow, I began reading it and found this excerpt. I felt it resonated with your message yesterday about Charlotte and Mattie, especially making time for Mattie. "I start to do one thing and something else happens 'to divert me.' I resent the influence and try to go back to my original intention. But I am influenced. I am ever influenced. I do not live in a vacuum together with my intentions. I am a relationship. I walk down the road and feel a sudden burst of warmth from the sun: I stop and bask my eyes. I get a letter from John, a nibble from Rufus, a knowing look from a clerk and I am no longer the same. What I just was doesn't quite apply. What I just intended is in the past. This is not a lack of resolve, it is the way life flows: always a new painting, always a new me." Our children are always an influence. You are always Mattie's Mom and Peter, his Dad. I as a Jew have learned that g-d gives the dead, eternal life. I believe that and think that you do too, even though, you are hurting so deeply. As I've said many times, take your time, take care of yourself, and gain strength from your memories and deeds. You are a special lady! You are a special friend! You are a special Mom!"
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