Monday, March 8, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. Apparently we had snow! Not much, but even with the little bit that was present, Mattie decided to make snow castles on our deck. Mattie loved being outside, it did not matter the temperature. He appreciated and loved the snow, and in addition to designing castles, he felt that each castle needed a hand painted stone. You should note that each of the stones pictured here are stones he collected on our nature walks together! Mattie collected stones and sticks from each walk. I am not sure if they were markers for him of all the times he went exploring, or if he wanted to just capture the moment with a physical remembrance. My hunch, knowing him, was the later. These family moments were important to him! 

Poem of the day: Where? by Charlie Brown

Sometimes I sit and stare

Words fail me
All I can do is feel
The overwhelming emptiness
Of your absence from my life
Every morning I wonder
Will today be better?
Is this a day
When I won't cry?
Does it matter?
I seek you in places
You have been
Your school, your room, your toys
The faces of your friends
But no where do I find you
Until I seek you
In the pain that remains
In my heart

Charlie's poem today is very powerful. Why? Because what it is ultimately saying is that in order to truly feel and find Mattie, I must turn inward. I must confront my feelings and be open to what is in my heart. I assure you it takes great courage to go there each day, and certainly it would be much easier to be numb or to feel indifferent. However, if you knew Mattie and loved him, then you would know that there is no way this could bring about indifference. He had the kind of spirit, soul, personality, and smile that was haunting. Haunting whether alive or dead.
 
My mom sent me this quote today: "Life is not the way it's supposed to be.. It's the way it is.. The way we cope with it, is what makes the difference.” I have definitely learned the hard way that life is NOT the way it is supposed to be, but I must confess I am still trying to figure out how to cope with life, or with what life has left me. Perhaps this is lifelong process, or a process that constantly must be re-examined as our lives evolve. Naturally each of us must cope with daily stressors, but daily stressors are not what I am writing about. I am talking about life altering changes, and I can honestly see how parents who lose a child to cancer could easily choose to cope in a less than healthy or effective manner. It may not be a conscious choice per se, but more like a response that is selected to help protect one from even more pain.

I had the opportunity to have lunch with Margaret, Mattie's first preschool teacher, today. Margaret and I talked for hours on so many things and we enjoyed lunch together in a restaurant that was new for both of us. When Margaret and I are together, time has a way of just flying by, and today was no different. Margaret made a comment to me and then later in the day I received a similar comment from my mom. The comment made me pause and reflect on what they were actually saying, which was that despite my great pain, I never forget others. That I still try to help and support those around me. I am not trying to appear like a good doer (not that this is what they were saying to me), in fact, I don't even realize this is what I am doing. All I seem to know right now is that intensely helping others seems to make me feel like I have a purpose. I naturally I do not want to just "do" without also being able to nurture myself in a time when I need a great deal of nurturing. I am becoming more cognizant of my needs in the process, and this afternoon when I got home I was simply tired. It was a beautiful day out and technically I could have taken a walk, but instead decided to just rest. I thank Karen, my lifetime friend, for helping me this afternoon accept what my body was telling me.

As some of you know, I have been working diligently on the "asks" (which are crucial to outline as we begin to ask for grants and corporate contributions) for our Foundation. As of tonight, Peter posted what I generated to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation website. If you are interested in reading them, you can go to http://www.mattiemiracle.com/ and click on "programs." I was telling Margaret about these "asks" at lunch, and she acknowledged how hard it must have been to sit down and actually put words to my thoughts. Indeed it was very challenging, but on the other hand I have given this a great deal of thought and I want our Foundation to be different, and to provide the services that were sorely missing during Mattie's treatment process.

I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my mom. My mom wrote, "I thought about how you cope with your great loss every day and all the positive actions and energy you bring to others, and it must be said that you do make a difference in the lives of everyone around you, despite your own personal pain and the psychological battles with despair you fight daily. You manifest the spirit of giving, loving and caring in great abundance and set an example of goodness for the rest of us to follow! Just my thoughts for the day! God Be With Mattie Forever."

The second message if from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I was so happy to hear that Mattie's spirit lives on in the fund raising efforts of others. I am sure that Kathy was delighted to see you out there yesterday; as always you have made a new group of Mattie "fans". I am looking forward to the Mattie March in May and connecting with Ann and others who I much admire but rarely see. I am sure you confuse the people at the facility where Mary is now living; while connections between the old and those of other ages were common even fifty years ago, now they are not. Visits tend to be confined to only those who are related to the person who is living in the facility. You are probably the only "non related" visitor who is more than ten years younger than one of the residents. As a result they don't know how to "classify" you. It is a shame that it is that way, especially since the families of many of the residents probably don't live close enough to visit on a regular basis. Our society tends to set things up so we get that result since many of these people were living in senior communities before they went into a care facility. If there are no younger people around to make friends with, how do you make those connections? It makes one want to rethink the voluntary segregation we do while we are still well enough to get out and do things, meet people and make friends. I know Mary appreciates your visits; the truth is that the staff of any facility treats people who have frequent visitors better than those who don't have frequent company from outside. So your good deed is two fold; may the blessing come back to you twice over. I hold you gently in my thoughts."