This picture was taken in August of 2007. Mattie was invited to his buddy, Kazu's birthday party. Kazu is Junko's son. Kazu and Mattie met in summer camp prior to entering kindergarten at the St. Stephen's and St. Agnes School (SSSAS). So basically Mattie was invited to a friend's party before school even began. This was the beginning of our introduction to SSSAS. An introduction that was very symbolic of what was going to come, the building of an amazing support community as Mattie developed and fought cancer. As you can see from this picture, Mattie was fascinated by Kazu's cakes, and particularly liked that it was a non-chocolate cake!
Poem of the day: In Loving Memory by Joyce C. Lock
To have loved one, then lost,
is still better than to have never been so blessed.
To have been enriched by one's cheerfulness,
their memory lingers on.
Their hopes and ideals in the crevices of your mind,
their wisdom is there when you need it.
Whatever was good and noble within your loved one,
they still live through you.
May their life have had purpose and meaning
by keeping their good seed alive.
Only then can we truly say,
"In Loving Memory."
Today was day six of Peter's trip to Rwanda. Peter had a productive day with back to back meetings. He returns to DC on Sunday, for Father's day. Seems like a very difficult day symbolically to be returning.
I began my day at a local spa. I am not sure what I like about this spa better, its services or their serenity room. Somehow sitting in a quiet chair, tucked away in a corner, seems very therapeutic. It is my time where I hear nothing and am responsible for nothing. While in this room, I began reading a book entitled, The Walk by Richard Evans. I have read all of Evans' books, and I have always considered him a powerful writer, who understands the human condition, emotions, and the process of grief. The Walk is about a successful man who had everything in his life, but within one day, his life changes. He loses everything he holds dear. The Walk is an unforgettable journey that is as life-altering as it is life-affirming. As I began reading the first couple of chapters, it confirmed my initial feelings. Which were that I was meant to read this book, and I find it somewhat ironic that Evans is writing this five part book series that is addressing many of the issues I face daily.
Here are several quotes from the first chapter. "The reason we start things is rarely the reason we continue them." This statement got me thinking, Peter and I created the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation for the initial reason to memorialize and honor Mattie. However, as the Foundation continues to develop and grow, I imagine the reason we keep the Foundation alive and thriving will evolve. The next quote is, "I started writing in my diary because my mother told me to. After her death, I continued because to stop would be to break a chain that connected me to her. Then, gradually, even that changed. I didn't realize it at the time, but the reason I wrote was always changing. As I grew older, I wrote as proof of my existence. I write, therefore I am (the famous statement by the philosopher, Descartes). I am. In each of us, there is something that, for better or worse, wants the world to know we existed. This is my story - my witness of myself and the greatest journey of my life. It began when I least expected it. At a time when I thought nothing could possibly go wrong."
Two aspects of this quote speak to me. The first is the main character in the book continued writing in his journal because if he stopped somehow he felt that would signify a break in the chain that connected him to his mom, who died. In essence I understand this profoundly. Why do I write the blog each day? Some of my readers may feel I write because it is cathartic, and I suppose on some level it is. But on another level it is much harder to write the blog now that Mattie is gone. The nature of the blog is different. When Mattie was alive, I was giving an overview of his day, his treatment, our ups and downs, and the impact of a cancer diagnosis on our family. Now the goal is different. I am no longer writing about a little boy's battle, but instead I am reporting on the aftermath of surviving such a battle. Just like with Mattie's condition, I also do not know the outcome of our own internal battles. But like Evans' character, I wholeheartedly feel that I write to stay connected to Mattie and to keep his memory alive. For me, if I modified Descartes' famous statement it would most likely say, I write, therefore I am Mattie's mom! I write, I continue to explore my thoughts and feelings with you (and I use the word YOU loosely, because I am not sure who the 300 of you are who read daily), because to me it is living proof that Mattie existed, and that Peter and I also exist having somehow survived a parent's worst nightmare.
I spent a good portion of the day with Ann today. You would be amazed what we can get done with three to four children in tow. I even had the opportunity to see Mary, Ann's mom, briefly today, and I am happy to report that Mary as well as the rest of the assisted living facility remember the fun Mary had with Tanja and I on Tuesday night. That alone made me happy on some level.
As I was driving home tonight, I heard George Strait's song, I saw God today. I attached the link to it, in case you are unfamiliar with it. But as I was listening to it, I couldn't help but reflect on Mattie's birth and the profound miracle that seemed in our lives. There are times I just can't believe Mattie is gone, and as my mind was processing his birth and his early years tonight, I simply sat, shook my head and cried. I cried because it seems unimaginable what happened and what continues to plague us in our lives.
George Strait's--- I saw God today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q06AvQF5NOw
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It seems like yesterday was a busy and productive day for you. You had a lot to think about and I thank you for continuing to share your thoughts on communicating and relationships with us all. I hope we are moving along to a new level and way of interacting since we've not done so well right now with what we have. Perhaps advances in technology like the I-Pad that Dr Bob was passing around will take us from our individual focus on a screen to the ability to pass the technology around and share it with each other. I think part of the issue is being willing to take the time to sit down and discuss what you've experienced or read or seen with someone else. Books are not a social endeavor and yet we are able to share via book clubs; talking about TV shows or movies with others helps us gain understanding and work on our realationships. I think we need to make the time to share what we've experienced with those we care about and in doing so deepen the level of understanding and value for ourselves and those we interact with. I see that in our classrooms when we have our students read or watch and then discuss the material with their peers and with us. They get as much from the interaction as they do from the material. I am glad that you got out to walk yesterday. Physical exercise is as much a part of healing as mental and emotional effort are. It is hard to find positive thoughts when your physical being is not well so I hope you continue to walk for both your physical and mental well being. I was also glad to hear that you were gardening yesterday and remembering all the kindnesses that were given along this path. Like those kindnesses, I hope the flowers you plant bloom and bring positive thoughts to all who see them. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from Chris. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet Chris at Ann's daughers' dance recital and we have been connected ever since. Chris wrote, "I read your blog daily and have emailed you before and I wanted to say how nice it was to read about the Bows for Hope project. After reading the blog I was curious to know where Lauren lived in PA because of the reference to Maple Point and the Flyers. The high school I went to was Neshaminy Maple Point in PA and I was wondering if it was my old high school that she attended. I then did a search on the school district's website and found the below link. So yes she attends my old high school which is now a middle school. I wanted to share the below link with you and let you know it continues to amaze me how Mattie touches my life on a daily basis. I want to say again how amazing I think you and Peter are for allowing us to join you on this journey and how you both have given me strength in dealing with some difficult circumstances. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you but I thought you should know how you all have touched my life."
http://www.neshaminy.k12.pa.us/neshaminy/cwp/view.asp?A=3&Q=397792
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