Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old, and as you can see was playing with his favorite toys back then, trains. Mattie had a fascination with anything that had wheels on it. I would always joke with my child development classes at the University, especially when we discussed nature versus nurture. Like so many of the well known developmental studies out there making the case for nature (traits that are biologically driven) versus nurture (traits that are reinforced from the environment), I tried to actively understand these concepts as it directly related to Mattie's development. So early on I would try to give Mattie gender neutral toys. But regardless of what he had access to, Mattie always preferred cars, trucks, trains, and basically more traditional "boy" toys. Mattie dispelled my firm belief that nurture could supersede nature. The ultimate test of my nature versus nurture principle was Mattie developing cancer. There was NO amount of care, support, and love I could give him to save his life. Raising Mattie was a much better lesson than anything I could have read in a textbook, or research article for that matter. Mattie was one in a million, and perhaps my best teacher.
Poem of the day: Walking the Path by Charlie Brown
It has been nine months now
Sometimes I think I'm standing still
I'm walking the path of grief
Trudging up each next big hill
Some days are better than others
Sometimes there are smiles
Sometimes the sadness lingers
And walks with me for miles
What each day will bring
I just don't seem to know
A memory to make me smile
Or one that brings me low
They say that time will heal
I really can't see how
Since all I really want
Is to still have you with me now.
So I just go on
And try to find a way
To continue to make meaning
Without you, day to day
Charlie's poem, Walking the path, eloquently expresses the feelings of loss in my life. She is correct, sometimes memories can make me smile and laugh and other times memories can make me feel very low. But the poem's ending is most intriguing, "try to find a way to continue to make meaning, without you." This is something I struggle with each and every day. The world that I knew of prior to cancer NO longer exists. The analogy of my world is equivalent to someone who has been completely stripped of his/her identity and placed in a witness protection program. That might sound extreme, but in all reality it isn't. I have seen enough and felt enough to know that I can't and will never be the same person I was prior to cancer touching our lives. But then who am I?
Peter is on his way to Brussels tonight as I type this blog. He left Rwanda and flew to Uganda at around 11am EST. Then he flew from Uganda to Brussels (and still hasn't landed there yet!). He has an eight hour layover in Brussels, before his last leg of his flight which takes him from Brussels to Dulles International Airport in Virginia. Though we haven't talked about it, I am sure that flying on Father's Day wears on Peter's mind. I had the opportunity to talk to a mutual friend tonight and she asked me whether it would be okay to send Peter a happy Father's Day e-mail tomorrow. I thought that question was SO sensitive and thoughtful. The answer is YES! It certainly is painful to know that we are no longer parents anymore, but it is far more painful that others in our lives do not acknowledge that this was an important role in our lives. So Mary, thank you for asking this vital question!
I had the opportunity to visit Mary, Ann's mom, at Ann's house today. Tanja also came over to visit, and we joked with Mary about her late night party she had with us in her assisted living facility. The three of us will not forget that anytime soon. Seeing Mary laugh, truly made Tanja and I happy. It made us feel like our visit was somehow a success!
Later in the day, I helped Ann's daughter, Abigail, get ready for her gymnastics competition. I haven't had to tie hair back tightly for years, and I am certainly not used to doing Abigail's hair. But we managed together, and suffice it to say, there was enough hair products in Abigail's hair to prevent it from MOVING. The competition lasted three hours, and Abigail did a fantastic job. I was proud of her, since competing in front of an audience is nerve racking and stressful. Abigail has a presence about her that draws her audience into watch her. While at the competition I also had the opportunity to chat with a teacher from Resurrection Children's Center whose daughter is quite a fine gymnast. It was wonderful to see all these girls today, who have practiced and worked so hard, showcase their various talents tonight. The art of using your body in dance or gymnastics is a gift, and sharing this gift with others is very special.
During the competition, my lifetime friend, Karen, e-mailed me. She wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. When I told her I was at a gymnastics competition surrounded by children, her response was telling. She basically said that she had no comment. What that means is Karen sensed that this may not have been the best choice for me. Was she right or wrong? I don't know, but I do know that I am agitated and upset tonight.
When I got home, I ran into one of my neighbors. She hadn't seen me for a while, but she commented on how well I looked, and that she was happy I was healing. I told her that I appreciated her nice comments and for thinking of me, but I assured her the pain and hurt are still very real for me, but they are internal. The pain comes in waves, and tonight is one of my lower times.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "When you lose someone you love, it is an injury to the heart that makes us shy away from loving anyone else for fear of losing them and suffering more pain. But to do this is to make life so much less than it should be. It is as if you were a chef who created wonderful meals on the stove but one day burned yourself so badly that you had a phobia about going anywhere near a stove. Now you could survive by eating things that did not need to be cooked but all those wonderful things that you could create and enjoy with others would be forever out of your reach unless you found a way to slowly work yourself back into cooking. I am not making light of what you are going through but only trying to make a connection to the physical for anyone who is lucky enough not to have had the kind of loss that you have. The burn eventually heals, but the scar remains and if you can't find the emotional strength to overcome the trauma, you lose forever, something vital to your being. Love is so much more than this and so it is even more tragic if you turn it off for fear of another loss and another "scar". I see those scars as medals for courage; those "scars" say that you are willing to risk everything you have to reach out and love someone as much as they love you. I know it will take time and you have to find your own way through this, no one can "map" the path through grief for another, but I know you have the courage to continue to do this even though it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Today as I practice I sent you my energy to help you continue to find your way. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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