Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2007, Mattie's fifth birthday. Mattie had his party at the National Zoo. It was a party to remember because there was torrential rain for the whole day. The zoo's policy is the party goes on rain or shine. We literally walked about 15 children through flash flood conditions for an hour. We were all drenched! However, the kids seemed to LOVE it. They felt it was an adventure. We had the zoo to ourselves (because of the intense rains), and for some reason all the animals were out and enjoying the rain, the lions and tigers too! You can see that Mattie had a Lightning McQueen cake, and he was actually very excited about his big day.
Poem of the day: Not To Worry by Jesse Stoner
Time passes by, sometimes in a hurry,
Our thoughts, our family, but not to worry.
Sometimes you feel sad, happy, or all alone,
But not to worry, there’s a special home.
Our beliefs, our feelings, we keep within,
But it all comes out,when we think of him.
The way he laughed, his smile, his face,
But not to worry, there’s a better place.
He’s gone forever, you think, what to do?
But not to worry, he’s always with you.
He might be gone, but we’re always here,
We’ll share our love, and pass the fear.
Know he’s happy, know he’s free,
But not to worry, let it be.
Peter's fourth day in Rwanda sounded very memorable! Rwanda is six hours ahead of Washington, DC. So when I am waking up, Peter has completed a good portion of the day. Peter told me all about the certificate signing ceremony he was invited to today. He said it was a very impressive and special event. Peter was invited to say a few words to those receiving certificates, and he said they all had a lovely lunch and many pictures taken to capture the moment. The change of pace and culture, I believe has been very good for Peter. As he said today, "We're (meaning in the USA) so used to rush rush rush and never take the time to stop, process what we are experiencing and feeling, and present it." I imagine business in Rwanda is like what business used to be like in the US at one time. At one time making a live connection was vital to our world of business. Time had to be invested in getting to know the person behind the employee. Now with the age of technology, and rapid fire requests and expectations for responses and solutions, we have de-personalized the workplace. Some may say this is advancement, but I question that, because once we start devaluing personal connections and dehumanizing the work experience, we instead breed a culture devoid of many of the aspects that are so vital to our survival. In any case, I think Rwanda was a step back in time for Peter, a time when human relationships mattered, and people had to slow down to build those solid connections. I am so happy Peter had this chance today. Funny how one has to fly to Rwanda to experience what should be present in all our workplaces.
Today is the 39th week that Mattie has been gone from our lives. I had a busy day today, which I will tell you about in a minute, but when I got home tonight, I was struck by all of Mattie's things around me. Naturally they have been there all along, but there are days, like tonight, where I can't ignore them. It struck me as I looked at Mattie's clothes, toys, and room that I am living a double life. A life when I was Mattie's mom, and my life now. To the outside world, I would gather that most people would say I am functioning very well. In fact the adjectives I have heard people use to describe me recently are "happy, healthy, relaxed." When I hear these words, I laugh internally! I suppose I laugh because remember a book can't be judged by its cover. Do not confuse external appearances with what is going on or being felt inside. I assure you, you only hear about 40 percent of what I am feeling inside on any given day. What most upsets me is I try to remember what Mattie sounded like, and the memories we had together. As time passes, it is harder and harder to keep these memories alive. It is hard to describe, because on one hand I remember everything, and yet on another, I struggle to remember the more subtle aspects of our love and relationship.
I began my morning with a phone call from our bank. The bank was calling to tell me about suspected fraud on my bank debit/credit card. As the representative read me the charges, I agreed with her, I certainly was not in Arkansas and made none of the purchases she was listing off to me. Naturally that meant I needed to cancel this card and get a new one sent to me. However, the bank's policy was I need to sign an affidavit and drop it off at a local branch and I have a ten day time period to sign this form, otherwise I would have to pay all the fraudulent bills! Needless to say, I dropped everything to complete the forms and walked to my local branch.
I had a delightful lunch today with Junko! We talked about her family trip to Canada and a host of other things. Junko and her husband, Tad, have and continue to be extremely supportive of Peter and I. In fact, Junko is one of the people in my life that I truly understands the vast devastation in my life and also has no expectations or opinions about when I should be feeling better. Which is actually very sensitive and supportive. It is supportive because the last thing I need right now is a lecture on how I should be doing, feeling, or progressing on in the world. There is no pill, no amount of talking, or emotional support to change my situation. It isn't easy to see a friend sitting in this, but in essence that is the gift. The gift to be understood as I walk through this grief journey, and to not walk it alone. It isn't a journey that everyone can make with me. Mostly because it isn't fun, there is NO quick fix, and the reality of my situation is hard to grasp and accept on a daily basis. I am aware of that, but remember, this is my life. I can't walk away from it at the end of the day. Junko and I had a tasty lunch, at Founding Farmers. A restaurant she introduced me to while Mattie was hospitalized. Junko would always bring me these tasty lunches and finally one day I asked her where she got them. So in a way, meeting at this restaurant is symbolic of the bond of friendship we nurtured through our year at Georgetown Hospital.
In the later part of the afternoon, I headed to see Mary, Ann's mom. I brought Mary a Dunkin Donut's bagel like she requested, and she devoured it. Tonight Tanja also visited Mary. Mary delighted in hearing us chat! She was VERY engaged and participated! The irony is she enjoyed this time so much she did NOT want to go to sleep. Tanja and I did not leave Mary's assisted living facility until 9pm. Mind you Mary is normally in bed and sleeping by 6pm! This should give you some understanding for how much she enjoyed this social stimulation! When we finally got Mary physically into bed, she just couldn't turn off. She was laughing and having a good time. Tanja and I joked that we were most likely going to sleep at the facility because we could see Mary did not want the party to end. Mary was telling all sorts of jokes, and at one point we called Ann to enlighten her about her mom's energy! She was the life of the party tonight, and since it is SO rare to see Mary this way, I think all the assisted living staff were concerned that something was wrong. There was nothing wrong, and as Tanja said, this type of humor and laugher are very good for Mary and all of us really. Tanja had a full day of work today, before even visiting Mary for five hours. But I have a feeling none of us will forget this five hour party! My greatest hope is Mary won't either.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I thought about your conversation with Peter regarding the certificate and the ceremony at the end of the training session. I think part of the difference is our view about education. Education is relatively easy to come by in the US and so it is not nearly as valued as it is in other places where most don't get past primary grades and many get no education at all. We offer so much training and so many "second chances" in the US that people assume it can be done anytime without much effort. I often tell my students who complain about how long it takes to get a HS diploma, that the value you get out of doing something is directly related to the effort you put into getting it. If we hand you a HS diploma without asking you to complete all the requirements, the diploma is worthless and no longer signifies anything. It takes a while but usually they come around to understanding that. I am glad you had the opportunity to spend time with Mary and I do appreciate your comments about being a nurse versus being a doctor. So many doctors are now relegated to being pill/drug prescribers instead of physicians to the their patients that I no longer understand the drive to go to medical school and I do understand why so many doctors appear to "burnout". They have lost the human connection to their patients and so the work becomes very unrewarding. Nurses too are often overworked but as you said, their emotional connection to their patients and their ability to make a significant difference in how their patients feel changes the perspective. Although you are not a nurse you are certainly a ministering "angel" to Mary and those you work with. May it always be so. As always, I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from a fellow SSSAS mom and our friend, Debbie. Debbie wrote, "Every evening for all these months, I have continued to read the Mattie blog before going to bed. As always, if you post late, I go to bed thinking of you and wondering how your day has been. And many evenings, I have composed a draft message to you, either in my head or on my laptop. Tonight, I decided to actually send a quick email. Mattie and his mom changed (and continue to change) my perspective on many things! I am deeply grateful for this. I love the photo of Mattie running with his fellow soccer campers. Though I have many mental images of Mattie when he was not well, mostly from the blog, it is the healthy, happy Mattie that is often in my thoughts these days. I had bought a package of Mattie's sun note cards and some stamps last year. I guess I considered them limited editions, and was hesitant to use them, except for very special notes. In fact, I only wrote two cards, one to Alex at camp and one to a dear friend who prayed for Mattie every day of his illness. I am happy to have a larger supply of cards and stamps and to feel free to use them for correspondence, though only for close friends and family who will appreciate how precious they are. Thank you, Vicki."
The third message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I just caught up on your wanderings over the last few days and wanted to send my Tuesday greeting early. You are a blessing to Mary and are helping your dear friend, Ann. I love reading your summary of your time with Mary as it brings a smile to my face. She is an indomitable spirit and gives each of us pause to appreciate what we have, in the moment. I remember how a sweet would be a wanted treat for my Mom, too. I guess as with children, it's a sign of care and love, which I know is your thought as you decide what to bring. I hope that Mary enjoys her bagel today. Skype is a wonderful invention. It is one of the few new conveniences that I look forward to using. We are getting cameras for the kids so that we can see them while we are in Florida. My daughter, Cindy, wants us to use it here, too. I think it will be cool! I agree with your thoughts regarding Rwanda and their philosophy about training and celebration. The western culture appears to get too caught up in material possessions and in some circles forgets about the human touch/experience. For many, it takes too much time. Your photos of the Walk are wonderful examples of care and concern for others. The shots yesterday of the children has been something that I've been discussing with Marv. It teaches the children, in a manageable way, that giving to others is a life skill and important to the future of our humanity. Bravo to everyone of the Foundation's Board and especially, kudos to Peter and you for your vision and love of Mattie. I don't know if this poem is fitting for you now, yet, I'm taking a chance in sending it.. If you think it helps, I'm glad. If not, then please put it away."
CHANGE by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
I awoke this morning
To greet the day, filled with promise,
A freedom, a complete sense of choice,
A realization of fleeting insecurity
Only to be replaced
By calm and soothing embrace.
This has been a long journey.
One filled with peaks and valleys
Yet, the precipice of understanding
Too amazing to comprehend,
For I have mourned dreams,
Until this moment, where life becomes a friend.
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