Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. We took Mattie to a fall festival, and that particular year Mattie wanted to try to go down the long slides on the hill. In past years Mattie found these slides intimidating. As you can see, sitting on Peter's lap, Mattie thoroughly enjoyed the whole ride down hill. In fact, Mattie spent a good portion of the day running up the hill, waiting on the line to go on the slide, and then sliding down. It was a special moment in time, because it captures Mattie's achievement of conquering his fear about slides. This was an example of Mattie's bravery, but bravery on a small scale in comparison to his ultimate challenge of fighting cancer.
Quote of the day: Did I love you? Surely yes. Did you know? Absolutely. Was it enough? Never. Is it over? Yes, forever. Will it end? Not ever. I bid you goodbye and love you still, dancing in the joy of what we had. Crying in its loss, praying for your soul. Not knowing if you need it. But believing it is a link. ~ Clarice Hausch
I had a slow start to the day, as I am fighting off a terrible head cold. It certainly did not motivate me to get up and moving. Instead, I spent the day at home resting and reading. The combination of how I was feeling physically and emotionally resulted in my desire to want to spend the day alone.
A couple of days ago, Mattie's preschool teacher and my close friend, Margaret invited me over to her house for tea and chocolate. So as the day wore on, I pulled myself together and headed over to see her. When I first met Margaret (back in 2005), it was an instant connection. I could tell she was going to be a great teacher for Mattie, and I simply loved her teaching style, her energy, and her understanding of people. When Mattie entered Margaret's classroom, the only expectation I had was for him to have a positive and enriching year. That expectation was met and then some, but the outcome which I hadn't expected was in the process I found a wonderful friend. Sometimes life can bring you unexpected things that can change your life for the better.
When Margaret and I get together time has a way of just slipping by. We spent over four hours chatting and having wonderful treats, and Margaret has a particular china pattern with thistles on it that she knows I love. It makes having tea and cake very special, because in many ways I feel transported to an English tearoom. Visiting her today was a much needed break from my everyday sadness and thoughts. We talked about so many things from our most recent travels, family, Christmas, and of course Mattie. Margaret and I also discussed my thoughts for writing a book, and before I even said anything, she understood immediately why this is a daunting and difficult task for me. I also was telling Margaret that this holiday season seems even more challenging than last year. The reality of Mattie's loss seems much more real and pronounced now, whereas last year, I only understood this reality on a very shallow level. Shallow because I was numb, which was my coping mechanism that I adopted for the first three to four months after Mattie's death. However, this year, I can't avoid our reality, and as Margaret said to me today, my reality isn't just for today it is for a LIFETIME. Absolutely! I couldn't have said it better.
Mattie is no longer physically present in our lives, but Margaret is another example of the connections that Mattie helped establish for me. In essence, Mattie's memory lives on through our friendship, and I can't help of thinking about Mattie when I am in Margaret's presence. When I look at Margaret, I remember her sweet e-mails she sent me on the first day of preschool. E-mails, which by the way, I have saved! I remember her thrill of reporting to me that Mattie went down the playground slide with him in her lap (a major feat, since Mattie was deathly afraid of slides), I remember her telling me that Mattie made a connection on his very first preschool day with Zachary, and I remember her telling me that Mattie was artistic. She showed me two leaf paintings he created in class, of which I proudly framed and they are still in his bedroom today. With Margaret there were many firsts for Mattie, positive firsts, and these are memories I will never forget. Margaret was good for Mattie, but she was also good for me as a mom. So though the day started out poorly, interacting with Margaret helped me feel a bit more connected with the world and my feelings.
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