Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2006. Mattie was four and a half years old. We took Mattie to Butler's Orchard in Maryland to pick a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. This was always an adventure for Mattie, and as you can see from this picture, Peter and Mattie were dragging a wheel barrel to the patch to help transport the pumpkins we picked. Mattie loved being Peter's helper. If Peter was working on something around our home, Mattie wanted to be right beside him to find out what he was doing and how he was doing it. Mattie was curious and he always wanted to be a part of what we were doing, needless to say Peter always had an assistant to help with chores, and I always had my side kick to help with gardening, painting, and even cooking.
Quote of the day: I cant say when the turning point came, but I think it must come for each of us if we let it. Every child who touches our lives, whether for a moment or for decades, has significance. We may have to search deeply for them, but the essential blessings are there - these treasures and gifts from our children. A part of them lives on when we dare to let ourselves remember, because however brief their journey through this world, our memories are proof of their existence! ~ Dana Gensler
I decided to spend the majority of the day outside. I started the day by walking 3.4 miles. However, the first mile was SO incredibly painful to walk. I felt as if I was walking with 10 pound bags of sand attached to each leg. As I continued walking thankfully this pain went away, and I was instead able to focus upon the trees, people walking their dogs, and the birds around me. After walking, I figured with the sun shinning it would therefore be the perfect day to plant daffodil, tulip, and crocus bulbs. Now that it is getting cooler and we could be getting a frost at night this week, I needed to get all the bulbs in the ground before I missed this window of opportunity. Peter planted tulips and daffodils for us and I did all my planting today in Ann's garden. In order to prepare her flower beds for the bulbs, I unfortunately had to pull out some of the wonderful flowers I planted there in the summer. These particular flowers would never have survived our winter, because eventually they were going to freeze and die, nonetheless I am sorry to see some of them go. I planted about 150 bulbs today, and I am hoping that in the spring, after a long winter, these bulbs will surprise us. There is something wonderful about seeing things sprout out of the ground in the spring, and somehow these few spots of greenery after living with months of cold weather restores your spirit.
Ann's garden has been a wonderful restorative place for me to escape to this spring and summer. I spent many a day and hour out there, and as it is getting cooler, I will miss being able to do this. Initially I began planting in Ann's garden because she asked me to assist her with picking flowers for the spring. One simple request landed up taking on a life of its own, so yes I began this project because my dear friend asked for help, but I continued the project because something inside me needed to do this. I have given my involvement in Ann's garden a great deal of thought, and perhaps being able to plant and nurture something after just losing Mattie was healing. It got me outside, moving around, seeing beautiful colors, and connecting to nature! But beyond that it gave me the opportunity to care for something, to watch it grow, and to respond to my care. I certainly could have done that with my own flower boxes at home, but it wouldn't have the same meaning. Ann's garden was NEW territory to me. I wasn't sure what was going to grow there and what was going to be rejected by her soil. It was a challenge that I apparently wanted to take on, and I was determined to be able to get things to grow and live. So that is part of my reasoning, however, another explanation for spending time in Ann's garden is most likely connected to my friendship with Ann. As my readers know, Ann was our Team Mattie coordinator while Mattie was fighting cancer. She mobilized an entire community around us to help and support us, and the skills and care she shared with us are too numerous to mention here. So it is quite possible on a subconscious level I have the desire to give back to Ann, or to share a skill with her, in thanks for all the many ones she shared and gave to us. So in essence I do think that tending to her garden has become a symbol of our friendship, and not unlike a garden, important friendships also need to be cultivated and cared for. All I can say is in the process of caring for Ann's garden this summer, I saw hundreds of monarch butterflies, chipmunks, crickets, a praying mantis, birds, hummingbirds, and worms. All things that made me pause and think about Mattie.
I find after several days of not sleeping well and being outside for most of the day, I am tired tonight. Which is one of the reasons I decided to write the blog earlier in the evening. As I end tonight's posting, I would like to share a poem I received from my friend Charlie about my most recent dream.
The Dream by Charlie Brown
Last night you spoke to me,
You wanted me to know,
That it is now time for me
To let my sadness go.
I woke up all confused
About whether you were there;
I just can't stop my missing you
It would feel like I don't care.
My son, my little one
I can never say goodbye,
And every time I think of you
I still start to cry.
Maybe someday I'll find joy
In the time you spent with me.
But for now I'm still regretting
How short that time was to be.
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