Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. Mattie was about four and a half years old, and was VERY much into trains and playing with Thomas the Tank Engine. What you can't see in this picture, was that Mattie was wearing his favorite t-shirt on this nature walk. His Thomas the Tank Engine shirt. In fact, Mattie and Zachary (Mattie's close preschool buddy) loved the whole Thomas train series so much, they would act out episodes and pretend to be the trains. I recall those days vividly! The picture before you was taken along one of our weekend nature walks together. The walks were unstructured, and the beauty of that is there were no expectations for any of us. We would walk, talk, and discover things along the way. Mattie was all about exploration, observation, and activity. Which is why walking in the woods and water were so stimulating for him. Peter and I logged many hours walking with Mattie, and over time Mattie really became a good walker. He could walk for miles. Then of course, like any child, he could also get tired out, and in those moments, what you see in this picture would happen, Peter would carry Mattie. Check out the smile and look on Mattie's face in this shot. To me it is priceless.
Quote of the day: What we call the end is also a beginning. The end is where we start from. ~ T.S. Eliot
Indeed, the end is where Peter and I must start from, in order to find a new beginning. The quote itself sounds very meaningful and existential, until you actually have to live it. Or experience it the way we have through the loss of Mattie. Tonight Peter and I went out to dinner. While eating we reflected back on a story Peter told me last night. Peter, from my perspective, performs many acts of kindness on a routine basis. One of his acts of kindness is typically giving strangers who are lost directions. Regardless of where Peter is, city, state, or even country, he gets stopped for directional help. We debate about why this happens to him. I feel that people stop him because he looks trustworthy and knowledgeable of his surroundings. He however, has a different take on it. Nonetheless, last night's act of kindness has stayed with me, and also Peter. I am telling you about this, because it is through these simple gestures that Peter and I are learning to find a beginning for ourselves. Ironically, the meaning or purpose now in our lives is usually defined and captured through helping others. So random acts of kindness for us are instruments to help us feel alive and connected to the world around us.
Last night, as Peter was walking home from work (and it was dark by that hour), he noticed an older woman walking with a cane on the sidewalk. She stood out because the sidewalks were filled with college students bustling around. She was moving slower, but as he was observing her, she seemed disoriented and unsure of where she was going. Peter typically is approached by people for help, but last night, Peter took it upon himself to go up to this lady, introduce himself and asked her if she needed help finding something. It turns out she lives in the nursing care facility right near our home. She was clearly disoriented in the dark and couldn't find her way home. So Peter showed her and stayed near her until she crossed the street and made it to the entrance of her building. What captured my attention about this story is that this woman was surrounded by students and NO one helped her or even noticed she needed help. Peter, after a full day of work, and with a lot of emotional baggage, observed this woman and offered his help and concern. From my perspective this is a simple and random act of kindness, but when reflecting upon it deeper with Peter, I have learned that he not only felt good about himself for helping her, but also felt a connection and appreciation from someone. So sometimes starting over again in life, means taking the time to understand the impact we have on others in a given day.
I decided to start up my walking routine again today. But was less aggressive and moved at a slower pace. I figured walking was better than not walking at all. It was rather chilly today, but the sun was out, and as I began walking I was distracted with other things and did not focus upon the cold. After walking, I met up with Ann and we went to visit her mom together. We joined Mary as she attended mass at the assisted living facility. I have been to mass before with Mary in church, so this was not a new experience for us. If you get to know Mary, you immediately realize that one of her protective factors in her life is her religion. She is a very spiritual person and turns to God to help her through many things, even the death of her son. This is the one area where Mary and I diverge greatly. As I was attending the mass today, I couldn't help but observe the priest, his disconnection from the older adults in front of him, and his homily that left a great deal to be desired. In a world with so much heartache and pain, people look to their religious leaders for comfort, spiritual guidance, and hope. Unfortunately I no longer find this solace in church, and I suspect I am not the only one.
Keep in mind that this priest was delivering a homily to a group of older adults who are dealing with all sorts of issues from physical to cognitive impairments. These are people who were vibrant at one time, but at the moment just managing their activities of daily living in a given day takes a lot. Which leads me to his homily. His homily centered on how we as human beings, who strive to eventually earn our way into heaven or God's house, must think about how we live our lives on this earth. Instead of focusing on making money and other skewed priorities, we need to dedicate our lives to helping others and making sacrifices that will make us worthy to live an eternal life. I am not necessarily disagreeing with what he is saying, having grown up Catholic. What I take issue with is, is this message really relevant to this older audience? After all, these people have lived their lives already, and they are struggling to keep living life with as much dignity as possible until the end. So having them reflect today on the ways they can help others and reflect upon the sacrifices they should be making seems inappropriate (and perhaps NOT feasible). In fact, I strongly believe that God looks down on sick children and impaired older adults and feels their pain and understands the self sacrifices they are making, God is not looking for them to prove themselves at this point in their lives to earn a place in his kingdom.
As we head into the weekend, a wonderful Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation fundraiser, being organized by the VP 26 Tridents Officers Spouse Club, is taking place tomorrow. Whitney, one of Mattie's favorite childlife interns at the Georgetown University Hospital will be attending this event in Florida and representing us. Peter and I wrote a message to the group, which Whitney will be reading on our behalf tomorrow. We are so grateful to Palen (Whitney's sister, and the Vice President of this Club) for recommending our Foundation as the beneficiary of her Club's auction this year. As pictures and other information come our way from this event, I will be sharing it with you.
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