Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2008, Mattie's last Halloween ever. It is hard to write this statement and even harder to believe it. Thank goodness when I took this picture that I had no idea what was in store for us in the months to come. Mattie spent Halloween 2008 with his best preschool buddy, Zachary. Mattie and Zachary basically grew up together. They met each other at a time when both of them were learning about themselves as well as the art of being a good friend. However, their friendship just happened, as if they were drawn to each other. There was mutual respect, mutual fondness, and mutual understanding. A friendship that in many cases takes a lifetime to find. For Mattie it happened on his first day in preschool! Looking back on preschool and even his kindergarten year, friendships just happened with Mattie. Partly it was his personality, but a part of me can't help but wonder whether these special friendships happened instantaneously for him because time was NEVER going to be on his side. Mattie and Zachary were inseparable friends in preschool, and though they went to different schools for kindergarten, their connection was powerful and they would pick up their friendship where they left off whenever they met. So on October 31, 2008, understand that Mattie and Zachary were attending different schools, yet they both wanted to trick or treat together. We went over to Zachary's house and as you can see from Mattie's mummy costume, his right arm was bandaged from his first limb salvaging surgery (which happened only weeks before Halloween). That evening, Zachary's neighbor also joined us as we went trick or treating. Zachary's neighbor wanted to run with Zachary from house to house to collect candy, but Mattie couldn't run. It was hard and UNSAFE for him to do this with his "bionic" arm, as we called it. He just had surgery and honestly I was a nervous wreck as Mattie was out walking on the dark sidewalks. I envisioned him tripping and falling on his arm. However, despite my fears, I wanted him to have fun, to be connected to Zachary, and to be a kid. I tried to explain to Mattie that it was okay if Zachary ran ahead with his neighbor, because we would catch up. But I could tell Mattie was upset. The next thing that happened however, remains with me today. Zachary spoke to his neighbor and told him that Mattie was his friend, and Mattie was unable to run, and therefore he wasn't going to run either. The neighbor basically had Zachary choose between him or Mattie. Zachary chose to stay with Mattie and he told this to his neighbor in no uncertain terms. That night I looked at Zachary quite differently. He was no longer the little four year old I once knew, instead, at age 6, and was mature, loyal, and a compassionate friend. A friend, I will never forget. It was that thoughtful gesture Zachary made that evening, that made Halloween 2008 special for Mattie. Zachary made Mattie feel important, special, and yet NORMAL..... A Halloween NOT to be forgotten.
Quote of the day: There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning. ~ Thornton Wilder
Sometimes things happen to you while grieving the loss of a loved one that makes no sense. Or perhaps you have no rational explanation for them, other than you feel that they have happened. Last night I had a dream. A dream in which Mattie was talking to me. This is the first dream I have had in which Mattie appeared to me. I could see his face and hear his voice clearly. Without a doubt I felt it was Mattie. I chose tonight's quote because my dream helped me connect the land of the living with the land of the dead.
As many of my readers know, I have had a week of great struggles. Not that these issues aren't a part of my previous weeks, they are, but this week all these issues were heightened. They were heightened, overwhelming, and I have found myself crying a lot. I have been reflecting on sadness, guilt about Mattie's death, and the unwillingness to live and be happy at times because Mattie is no longer in our lives. I am telling you this because it sets the stage for my dream. In my dream, I am in Peter's car and he is driving. I am sitting in the passenger seat and we are talking. As we are talking, I am hearing whimpering noises. As if someone is crying. Clearly it isn't Peter or I. So I begin to look around the car to locate this noise. When I turn around and look over my shoulder, who do I see, but Mattie. Mattie was sitting in his toddler car seat (note that this was not Mattie's most recent car seat, which instead was a booster seat). Mattie must have been around age 4 in my dream, and I can see him crying. In the dream I feel confused, and I ask Mattie why he is crying. He lets me know that he is crying because I am SO sad and that I feel guilty that he died. Mattie then says to me that he doesn't want me to feel this way. With that, I was startled awake, and as I was coming into consciousness, I frankly was disoriented. I did not know if I really dreamt what I was reporting to you or what. Most likely I was just stunned that I would have such a dream based on the horrible week I have had.
Looking at this from a very scientific stance, I could explain the dream as my mind trying to help me resolve the inner turmoil I am living with, and naturally the only way to relieve these feelings would to hear from Mattie directly. However, as I was telling Peter about this dream tonight, he started laughing. He was laughing because he felt that Mattie was communicating with me, and it was just like Mattie to be looking out for me even from beyond. I don't know what to say about the dream, other than it has been on my mind all day today. Hearing Mattie crying and seeing him talk to me seemed so real, that it actually shook me awake. Do I think it is possible that Mattie is sending me a message? That Mattie is reaching out to me to tell me he can see me, and that he doesn't like what he sees? My answer is MAYBE! This is as far as I have gotten with processing this dream, but I have replayed it in my mind today numerous times, like I was watching a movie clip.
I spent the afternoon with my friends Katharina (my 10 year old friend) and Tanja. Katharina had a Halloween party today, and she personally invited me to attend and be a part of it. I got to their house before the party started to chat and help with any last minute items. I had the opportunity to meet Katharina's pet guinea pig, Jo Jo, and to hear about some of the activities they were going to be doing at the party. As Katharina's friends arrived, I had the opportunity to meet all of them. One of the young girl's came up to talk with me because she liked my necklace. It happened to be a Halloween necklace that Mattie created for me. She liked the beads Mattie selected such as bats, ghosts, etc..... The girl asked me if I was at the party because I was a mother? Great and realistic question! I answered her by saying I "was a mother." She then asked me who my child was at the party. I told her that my son "wasn't here." She then asked me where he was and why he wasn't at the party. My response was because "he was sick." This young girl caught my attention, mainly because I found her observations interesting, and her desire to know who I was. Her questions were asked in an innocent way, and I had no time to think about my answers. However, would my answers be any different now, since I have had all night to think about her questions? Most likely NO! My answers to her were truthful. I was a mother and Mattie wasn't at the party because he was sick. I did not feel it was important for this young girl to know that Mattie died and that I was dealing with grief.
As the party continued on, I was looking outside into Katharina's backyard and observing all the children. As I was absorbing all of this, Katharina came inside to talk to me. She put her arms around me to specifically ask me if I was okay. I told her I was okay, but she did not buy that answer and instead she said she came in because she felt that I looked sad. I thought that was a very kind, sensitive, and mature gesture. In many ways, though I have not known Katharina for very long, I sense that we have a special bond with one another. She text messages me almost every day, and I find that on some level she understands what life must be like for me without my only child in it.
Tomorrow is Halloween, and I just do not know how to greet or deal with the day. In a way, this Halloween is much harder that the last one. The last one I was TOO numb from Mattie's death to feel anything. This Halloween, I am much more raw and much more emotional. I don't know what the answer is, to spend it alone, or to spend it with Ann and her children. With the Marine Corp marathon falling on Halloween this year, it practically shuts down the city and most of the means of getting out of the city. So in a way, based on practicality and how we are feeling emotionally, it is most likely a day we will spend alone.
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