Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. It was a Saturday morning and I was in the kitchen making breakfast. As usual, my kitchen assistant came in to find me and to offer a hand with his favorite weekend breakfast item, waffles. I picked Mattie up to put him on the counter next to me, and Peter snapped a picture of us!
Quote of the day: Grief is perhaps an unknown territory for you. You might feel both helpless and hopeless without a sense of a "map" for the journey. Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project. ~ Anne Grant
Peter is still quite ill, so on Monday we will be headed in to see our doctor. Doctors seem to be a part of our lives now. Some how Peter's illness has caused me to feel even more upset than usual. Mattie's diagnosis will always be a part of me, and I NO longer look at physical complaints as simple or fixable issues. I look at them as the beginning of a serious problem. I am trying not to panic, but the trauma of Mattie's diagnosis created a pattern in my head, in that physical symptoms are instantly associated with cancer and death. Naturally that may not make sense, but then again neither does taking in a six year old to see the doctor with an arm pain and finding out the problem has a name and it is Osteosarcoma.
I was out grocery shopping today, and when I returned, I placed all my shopping bags in Mattie's stroller. Mattie's stroller remains in my trunk and it helps me transport things from our complex's garage to my front door. This afternoon, while pushing Mattie's stroller, I ran into JJ. As my faithful readers know, JJ is our resident Jack Russell Terrier, who loved Mattie. JJ and Mattie practically grew up together. After Mattie died, JJ was actually depressed. Yes animals can get depression too. JJ refused to eat for days. When Mattie was alive and healthy, JJ claimed a pair of Mattie's old sandals. JJ used the sandals as a play toy. He loved playing with something that belonged and smelled like Mattie. After Mattie's death, JP (JJ's owner) decided to throw the old sandals way. They were all chewed on and most likely in bad shape. JJ did not like JP's decision, and JJ ran to the garbage, dug the sandals from the trash, and carried them back upstairs to his area. JJ has a special connection with Mattie, and I think his reclaiming Mattie's sandals is quite a touching story. Which brings me to today. When JJ saw me pushing Mattie's stroller, he came flying over to see me. But he was more interested in the stroller. He kept examining it and smelling it. He then ran to my front door. I knew exactly who he was looking for. I told JJ that "he" (meaning Mattie) wasn't there! Watching JJ today illustrated to me that Mattie's death is felt even by our furry friends.
I had the opportunity to visit Mary (Ann's mom) today for a little bit while Peter was resting. Mary too is concerned about Peter and she told me she is saying a special prayer for him. I am signing off for tonight since I am not sure what tomorrow holds for us. Keep us in your thoughts.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message I received from my mom. She intended to send this just to me, but as I told her, the message meant a lot to me so I am posting it here. My mom wrote, "The blog is historic and perhaps it is a first in the annals of the Internet for someone to write a public diary of a tragic life shattering event every day for over a year that continues to this day! Also, it has a devoted reading audience that has been moved by the powerful description of pediatric cancer and its devastating effect on the life of the child who ultimately died and the parents who must survive without him to go on with their broken hearts and shattered lives."
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