Sunday, June 19, 2011 -- 2nd Father's Day without MattieTonight's picture was taken in June of 2009, three months before Mattie died. At that point in time we did not even realize his cancer was terminal. We took Mattie to a baseball game at National's Stadium that June. It was a challenging day, because Mattie really did not want to watch the game, and as we wheeled him around, we got more stares and side bar conversations from others. I was so incensed that day that I can still recall the feeling it left with me.
Quote of the day: There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin. ~ Christopher Moore
I wanted to get Peter something for Father's Day, but it is hard to know how to acknowledge this day since Mattie died. What I decided upon was to have a star registered in Mattie's honor. So I presented Peter with the specs on "Mattie's Miracle" today. It is my hope that we can always look at the night sky and know that Mattie's Miracle is up there and shining down on us. If you would like to see what the star looks like, you can go to the link below and plug in the star's registration number!
Registration number: SAO 335007
Star Name: Mattie's Miracle
Right Ascension: 120.8456656
Declination: -30.6592526
Dedication Date: June 19, 2011
https://www.starnamer.org/cgi-bin/starorder/findyourstar.cgi
Today, 99 of our Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation Supporters were at National's stadium watching a father's day game. We can't thank the Gehrs family (Charlotte's parents) enough for donating these tickets to us which we gave away at the Foundation Walk on May 22, to contributors who made an on-site donation to the Foundation. Though a part of me wanted to join our friends and supporters at the game, I knew based on our circumstances that we did not fit in. It would have been impossible to be surrounded by families all celebrating Father's Day. Yet it isn't a good feeling knowing that we no longer can do things with our friends or participate in "normal" activities. In fact such a realization makes me feel further depressed and sad.
In the midst of how I was feeling, I received two emails around 3pm. The emails contained a photo of the National's Stadium scoreboard. As you can see from the picture below, the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation was acknowledged on the board. We thank our friends Peter and Christine for sending us photos and making us feel as if we were part of the experience today with them.
Peter started his day by walking on Roosevelt Island. This is a weekend tradition for him. Peter had MANY wonderful sightings today, actually too many to post. But I will highlight a few of his wonderful pictures which he shared with me. The first picture is of a Great Blue Heron. This heron actually blended right into the foliage, but fortunately Peter was standing at just the right angle which revealed this regal bird in all his glory. I am in awe of Great Blues because to me they do not look real, or perhaps they look like something from prehistoric times. 
The next photo Peter took was of a Mother Duck with all her ducklings. This would have been a sight Mattie and I would have greatly appreciated with each other. 
Though there are deer on Roosevelt Island, they are virtually impossible to see. However, this morning two deer were out and eating, and Peter got to have this sighting. Actually Peter had all sorts of natural sightings, which made me feel as if Mattie was indeed connecting with him. 
This afternoon, Peter and I went to the DC Aquatic Gardens together. At this time of year, the Lotus flowers are in bloom. These are an absolutely breathtaking sight. There were many visitors to the gardens today trying to capture these flowers from all sorts of angles. 
A close up of one of these glorious Lotus flowers. Seeing these flower in their various stages is an indescribable sight!
In addition to the Lotus flowers, the Water Lilies are also in bloom. There were lilies of various colors, shapes, and sizes!
What a color, and I can really see why Claude Monet was intrigued by these flowers! 
Along our journey we saw these two Turtles and thought of Mattie!
Then we spotted a Frog, and thought of Mattie!
Next we spotted a Dragonfly, which also made me think of Mattie and his LOVE for bugs!
Our final nature sighting was this Butterfly, one of the symbols I have attached to Mattie's memory! So throughout our day, we thought of Mattie and absorbed all these signs from nature of his presence in our lives.
On our journey home from the gardens, we had to pass National's Stadium. Not a good plan for me! All I could think of when I looked at this Stadium was the last time we took Mattie there. I hated watching people staring at Mattie's frail body, sick existence, and thinking of how different he was from them. That image will always remain with me. In addition, today I also imagined many of our friends sitting inside that stadium, and yet the visual seemed too much for me to handle. It was an illustration of just how isolated our world has become. We are true outsiders in every sense of the word. For when you no longer can fit in and enjoy special occasions with friends this indicates just how much we have lost. Mattie may have died over a year ago, but the loss and grief from this death is experienced everyday, some days it is subtle and other days it is quite profound.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my mom to Peter. My mom wrote, "You were Mattie's support when he needed love, understanding, encouragement and a dependable, devoted dad to help him endure the pain and suffering of cancer that an unkind fate dealt him without hope of remission or a chance to grow up and lead a normal life. Though you had little time together, you made his brief seven years of life on earth the happiest that any little boy could possibly hope for and that is a record that you can be proud of. He loved you dearly beyond earthly calculations and you can take pride in the strong bond between you that not even death can destroy. Although this cannot ever be a happy occasion, you are a good dad, one of a kind, and your devotion to Mattie is alive and well in the establishment and the achievements you have directed to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation!"
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