Tuesday, June 21, 2011 -- Mattie died 93 weeks ago today.Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009 at Mattie's "Reptiles Alive" birthday party. The real surprise was James (Campbell's dad and Christine's husband) dressed up as a cockroach. One of Mattie's favorite bugs! Mainly because he knew I hated them. Any case, Ann gave the kids these huge fly swatters, and Mattie proceeded to swat at poor James. James was a great sport, and Mattie felt as if he conquered and squashed a massive roach that day!
Quote of the day: In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grief. ~ Emily Giffin
Last night I had a very strange dream. I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do, they are usually complicated. I would have to say this dream was bizarre and strange, and yet seems filled with all sorts of meaning. In my dream, I was in Florida and living in a GLASS house. The house was surrounded by a swamp. Peter and MATTIE were in my dream. As the dream continues, it is night time, and Mattie came to me in a panic. He wanted me to know that creatures, big creatures were coming out of the swamp and were planning on attacking us. Almost like a bad scifi movie. In my dream, I learn that the Florida town we were visiting had legendary swamp monsters and that the only way to protect one's self is to shoot them with a gun. I vividly see myself running through the house looking for a gun, and I find one, and start shooting at all the creatures trying to hurt us. With each creature that I shoot and kill, I receive a metal plaque with a roman numeral on it as a reward. These metals literally came flying out at me from the swamp! The whole thing seemed so vivid as did Mattie. One could discount this dream as pure nonsense, or perhaps it is my own internal struggle with cancer. Cancer was depicted as swamp monsters, expect in my dream, I was able to kill these monsters and protect Mattie, unlike in real life.
I decided to walk today to get out of the house. Otherwise, I would be here in isolation working the whole day. I walked for five miles, which sounds like a lot, but the time just seemed to pass and I spent it focused on breathing and trying to feel less stressed out.
I spent the rest of the day working at home, and addressed a great deal of post-Foundation walk tasks! In addition, next Wednesday, Peter and I are having a check presentation ceremony at the Hospital to give Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist) a check for $25,000! My goal is to make this gathering special for Linda, because without her presence our life in the hospital would have been beyond impossible. She helped Mattie, Peter, and I in extraordinary ways, and I am so happy our Foundation raised this money to help support her vital program.
I received an email from my mom tonight. In her message she refers to a Josh Groban song. The irony about this is I was introduced to Josh Groban when Mattie was hospitalized. One of our friends sent me a link to his songs, and I fell in love with his voice as soon as I heard it in the hospital. I had no idea who Josh Groban was, but Mattie's nurse, Jenny, knew exactly who he was and she told me all about him. When my mom sent me this song tonight, it reminded me of that time back in the hospital.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my mom. My mom wrote, "This song entitled, "To Where You Are" has special meaning about staying connected to someone who has died that meant more than the world to you. It always makes me think of Mattie when I hear it and I thought you might appreciate listening to it too. In my mind, it produces vivid images of the adorable Mattie when he was with us and makes me want to believe that he is still there only looking down on us in a heavenly more spiritual way!"
To Where You Are by Josh Groban: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uIQp9Dqcrw&feature=youtu.be
The second message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, "Just a quick note to let you know I am thinking of you. Much love on this Tuesday and everyday."
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