Friday, June 24, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2007, during one of our trips to Coronado, CA. Mattie wanted to ride on one of these surrey type bicycles. That was great in theory, until we actually got on it and realized how impossible it was to move this thing with people in it. Mattie got a chuckle out of watching Peter and I working hard at pedaling, and in some way, we got a kick out of him laughing at the whole process.


Quote of the day: It's better to keep grief inside. Grief inside works like bees or ants, building curious and perfect structures, complicating you. Grief outside means you want something from someone, and chances are good you won't get it. ~ Hilary Thayer Hamann

Tonight's quote may sound harsh, but I couldn't agree more with the sentiments and thinking behind it. For the most part, society doesn't like to see pain, sadness, or grief emoted. In fact, when one does this, the subject matter is usually changed to make the griever supposedly feel better. However, changing the subject does nothing for the person grieving, and I suspect in the long run it does nothing for the other person either. Grief does complicate a person, mainly because it effects one's internal dialogue, one's feelings, and it certainly clouds one's outlook on the world and the people in it.

As a mental health professional, I naturally understand the power of sharing thoughts and feelings with another person. I understand how empowering it can be to feel heard, appreciated, and valued. However, with grief, sharing these thoughts and feelings with another is a bit different. For example, when I share my feelings about Mattie's death, I may have the expectation that it will be addressed in a certain way. However, being objective, most people are not mind readers and also most people haven't lost a child and therefore asking someone to grasp this existence isn't easy or fair. So to some extent true grief is suffered alone and it is dealt with internally. Though this is hard, it is even more painful to express one's self and then not get the support really needed or desired. Dealing with the loss of a child is so complex that seeking support even from fellow parents who lost a child doesn't always work either. So where does that leave the bereaved? Most likely in a quandary and at times feeling very isolated, misunderstood, and angry.

This week, Peter has been telling me of his penny sightings. He has found pennies on the sidewalk and he has found them at work. In addition, he even found a quarter this week in the middle of the street. That may sound mundane to you, but to us, pennies are special. My parents started a tradition with Mattie. They would sprinkle pennies around various locations in our home. Over time Mattie would find them. When he did, they would always tell him that the penny fairy stopped by for a visit since she knew how much he liked pennies. So now when Peter and I see a penny, we remember the days of the penny fairy, but we also take them as a sign from Mattie. The ironic part about this is both Peter and I found a penny today. I picked it up and put it in my purse. I did not say anything to those around me, but in my mind it was a sign from Mattie and I had to grab it.

I am very aware of the fact that the movie, Cars 2 is now in the theatres. When the original movie, Cars came out in 2006, Mattie was four years old. I took him to this movie with his buddy Zachary and Zachary's nanny, Sara. In fact, Zachary had seen the movie before us, but he really wanted Mattie to see it too. Sara knew I was very particular about what Mattie watched, but when she told me the plot and how she liked it, I decided we should go see it. Mattie loved the movie as did I. It made a big impression on me because it captured my heart and mind about how major highways took over small town roads and the impact this had on our Country and its communities. I was also moved by the friendships established in the movie and several of its moral messages. Mattie and I then told Peter about the movie, and we encouraged him to see it with us a second time. Peter was hesitant at first, because he figured how good could a movie about talking cars be. However, Peter fell in love with the movie and from that moment on, this movie became a special bonding moment for all three of us. We owned practically every toy Cars car, we acted out parts of the movie in our play times together, and Mattie and Peter bought the DVD and saw this movie countless times. Even in the hospital!

As I was in Target today with Ann, her mom, and Shayla (Mary's caregiver), I was bombarded with seeing Cars 2 toys and merchandise. I even heard kids talking about it. Naturally I understand their excitement. Some of us have had to wait FIVE years for this sequel, however, for me this brings about sadness. This would have been something Mattie would have wanted to see and this would have been something we would have enjoyed as a family. Somehow this further reminded me of my huge loss and how different Peter and I are from our former lives. If sadness was my only emotion, that would be bad enough. But I also experience anger and jealousy. I feel these things toward other parents, because they get the chance to do all the things that I no longer can do. It is hard to have these intense emotions an it is certainly equally challenging if not worse to harbor these feelings toward my friends.