Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Tuesday, October 30, 2012 -- Mattie died 164 weeks ago today.


Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008, Mattie's last Halloween. By that particular point in treatment, Mattie already had undergone one limb salvaging surgery of his right arm. Mattie was very sensitive about this disability, and therefore picking a Halloween costume out that year was challenging. Fortunately Mattie's art therapists (Jenny and Jessie) and Linda (Mattie's Child Life Specialist) allowed him into the clinic to select a costume without having other children around him. That was a brilliant decision on their part because Mattie would have absolutely shut down if he had to struggle to pick out a costume among mobile children. Mattie gravitated to this mummy costume as soon as he saw it. He tried it on and absolutely loved the fact that you couldn't tell that his right arm was wrapped up and recovering. Instead it just looked like his arm was part of the costume. In this photo, Mattie was celebrating Halloween at the Hospital. Georgetown takes Halloween seriously, and literally the children can walk around administrative offices and collect candy while on a parade! I wish I could say Mattie had a good time that day, but he did not. So much of Mattie's treatment impacted his psychological well-being and therefore ours. When Mattie was miserable, we were miserable, and it was deeply painful to see a child that young so emotionally devastated.


Quote of the day: The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives. ~ Anthony Robbins


Peter and I managed through Hurricane, or was it a Super storm, or better yet  post-tropical Cyclone Sandy! Whatever Sandy was, I did not LIKE her. I heard winds and our windows rattling like never before. At one point, Peter opened our front door and he had me listen to the sound of the wind. It sounded like a train flying by us on the tracks. Fortunately we received no damage and we never lost power. I realize so many others are unable to say this and they are certainly in my thoughts.

We spent part of the day cleaning up plant debris, putting back our plants, and getting the deck ready to put up our bird feeders. It was absolutely hysterical today! While I was out cleaning up, I was surrounded by birds. It was as if something snapped in the weather and they were signaling me it was time to get the feeders out. These birds haven't visited our deck ALL spring and summer long. Now they are back and headed right for the hooks where I hang the feeders. From inside the kitchen, we snapped a picture of a Starling that came to visit. I did not have seed out yet, so we put out some bread (you can see the bread cubed by the mums). My packs of sparrows and finches are motivating me to buy seed this week. In the mean time, I literally entitled this photo..... "Hey, where is the bird feeder?"

I took a picture of these trees in our living room. We moved them into our home yesterday because they were blowing away in the wind. My friends Christine and Ellen gave me these plants when Mattie died. They both know I love plants and also knew that I gave up a good deal of my plants when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer (all plants with soil needed to be removed from our home because of Mattie's immunity). When Christine and Ellen gave me these plants they were tiny. They couldn't have been more than 12 inches tall at most. Now look at them! They are over five feet tall! They are happy plants.... one is a Rubber Fig and the other is a Dracena. These plants will always remind me of Mattie's death and the kindness of friends who tried to give me something living and to nurture.

For Peter and I it is hard to accept that tomorrow is Halloween. Another Halloween without Mattie.... the fourth one without him to be exact. I can't say that as each year goes by it gets any better. In fact, I would say that almost every holiday gets worse because you have much more time to process the loss. Another aspect of the loss is knowing that Mattie's friends and parents are celebrating this day, and yet we do not get this chance. This of course can lead to bitterness and anger, but mostly it leads to sadness and feeling isolated.