Sunday, March 3, 2013Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie went through his donut phase, his vanilla shake phase, his potato chip craze, and his mac and cheese moments. This particular photo captures his next food of choice..... chicken fingers and french fries. I have no idea what it personally feels like to be on chemotherapy, but I saw how it wrecked havoc on Mattie's body and appetite. Therefore whatever Mattie craved to eat, he got! Mattie was assigned a nutritionist at the hospital who tried to present him with a balanced diet. But between the challenges faced within the hospital's kitchen and Mattie's stomach, Mattie ate NO hospital foods! AT ALL! Anything Mattie ate came from outside the hospital. At first I was concerned about Mattie's diet, but then I realized the diet was the very least of our problems. Mattie's battle with cancer helped put so much of life into context for Peter and I, and frankly even though the battle maybe technically over, what I observed and lived through remains a part of us.
Quote of the day: Reality continues to ruin my life. ~ Bill Watterson
Peter and I had a very slow day. Both of us seem very tired. Peter worked a six day week and really needed down time today. Whereas, I am exhausted but can not sleep at night. I have bouts of insomnia and this week is one of those times. It doesn't matter how busy or active I am by day, when it comes to sleeping I remain wide awake. This is definitely a post-cancer phenomenon. Prior to Mattie getting cancer I could sleep anywhere and at any time of day. In fact, Peter and I have changed roles. He now can sleep anywhere and he is out like a light.
Living in a hospital and dealing with Mattie's cancer impacted my whole life mentally and physically. However, sleeping is just one of many long-term effects of surviving Mattie's cancer. I have mentioned this before on the blog, and people think I am joking, until you see the problem for yourself. I can no longer read any kind of print with any noise around me. This is a problem and a limiting one, because I can't read a book out in public and I most certainly can't read a document that is given to me within a meeting. Anything that I have to read and process, must come before me ahead of time so that I can read it in absolute silence. Otherwise, I can read the words but I have NO comprehension of what I am reading. This is a new problem. Prior to Mattie's cancer, I could read, talk, and listen to the TV or the radio all at the same time. Now I get sensory overload quickly and my brain just shuts down.
I very much appreciate the comments I have gotten on the blog recently, and I am comforted to know that others feel like me or understand the frustrations and anger I experience after losing Mattie to cancer. Naturally it doesn't make any of us who lost a child to cancer feel any better, but it does give us the insight that we aren't crazy and we aren't alone.
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