Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. What you maybe able to see, was our home was already getting filled up with art boxes that Mattie designed in the hospital as well as a whole lot of other things. The funny part about this photo was the content. Mattie was holding his stuffed animal Jack Russell Terrier in his hands. A friend gave Mattie that stuffed animal because back then everyone who read the blog knew about JJ, our resident Jack Russell Terrier who lives down the block from us. Any case, that day JJ came to visit Mattie. Mattie was showing JJ his stuffed animal. One Jack Russell meeting another! This past weekend, I was just about to toss out Jack the stuffed animal. But then I grabbed it and put it right back in Mattie's room. Mattie always wanted a dog and JJ was his closest experience being a dog owner. Mattie loved visits with JJ and playing outside with him when he was well.
Quote of the day: For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships. ~ Deborah Tannen
We have all heard the saying that actions are louder than words, don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk, or put your money where your mouth is!!! These sayings highlight that words aren't always enough, especially when they are words that produce only sound without much substance, significance, or meaning. Certainly being authentic is important. Authentic is a word I heard today while conversing at lunch, and it brought me right back to my graduate school days. Because there is an art form to becoming an authentic mental health professional. But I digress.
As Tannen's quote implies the art of conversation does indeed build rapport. In fact, how do we get to know others, get to know their likes, dislikes, values, and priorities without talking and conversing? It is a necessity! In fact, listening to others and sharing thoughts and feelings maybe one of my favorite things to do. Even with the worst of headaches, I find when I listen to someone else, I get lost in connecting and can forget about my own aches and pains.
In January of this year, at my friend's birthday, I got reconnected with a mutual friend of ours. In fact, at one time Dawnee was the assistant director at Mattie's preschool, and this was how we first met each other. Since January, Dawnee and I have had the opportunity to meet each other on a regular basis. In a way it is like making a new friend, though we travel in the same social circles. It is hard to make new friends, or at least it is for me, since Mattie died. Most of my friends became my friends because of Mattie's connection with their children. So when I make a friend for friendship's sake rather than because of circumstances, it captures my attention.
In fact, I no longer care for parties, large crowds, and festive occasions anymore. It is very hard for me to be in a large room with happy people, with kids running around, and watching people celebrate what I call "the normal." The normal of which Peter and I no longer have. In the winter of this year, Peter and I were invited to a large party in which all my triggers were in one room together. Fortunately for us, Dawnee was also at this party. We spent the entire party together and frankly without her presence I am not sure I would of or could have stayed. Though I am four years into the loss of Mattie there are times where I feel unwelcome, that I don't fit in, and therefore when this feeling overcomes me, my natural tendency is to avoid the situation or leave. During that party, Dawnee talked to Peter and I about all sorts of things, and for that moment in time, I have to say I felt normal. I did not feel like the woman who lost a child, the woman who can't relate to school schedules, soccer games, and so forth. I just felt as if one friend was connecting with another.
Perhaps as a mental health professional I naturally gravitate to talking, conversing, and connecting. But from my experience with Mattie's cancer and death, conversing doesn't only build rapport and negotiate relationships but it is the only way to find peace, to heal within, and to manage grief.
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