Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. At first when you look at this photo you may only see blankets. LOOK CLOSER!!! Through the tunnel of blankets notice that Mattie is at the other side. I think his face said 1000 words, and the words screamed out pain, unhappiness, and sadness. Though Mattie was resilient and managed to play and capture the hearts and attention of those around him daily, there were many moments like the one you see beneath the blankets. Moments like these a parent does not forget, because for many this is just a photo, for Peter and I this was real. We were at the scene of the crime each and every day for 15 months, and not unlike a crime scene life in a PICU wasn't pretty. When people question my anger or sadness at times, I think they should step back and reflect on this photo. Those of us who have battled childhood cancer have lived in this reality and therefore I find it is challenging at times to reintegrate back into the "real" world.
Quote of the day: Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. ~ Anais Nin
I met my friend Leslie today for lunch. Leslie and I have known each other since our freshman year in college. We were roommates! Nin's quote seems quite accurate to me. Friends do bring a whole new world into our lives. When Leslie and I met as teenagers we both had to adjust to living away from home, living with a roommate, the complexities of living on a college campus, and of course trying to grow both academically and socially. Fortunately for both of us we had the same value system which made the transition to college life a lot easier for us, unlike some of our friends who had one horrible roommate issue after another. Certainly years have gone by since we first met each other, but our bond remains. I was Leslie's maid of honor at her wedding, I was friends with her husband when we were in college together, and I credit Leslie for my love of cows. Why? Because a group of us went to visit Leslie in Vermont one summer and I fell in love with Ben and Jerry's ice cream and their wonderful Holstein cows.
We chatted about a host of things at lunch but before we parted Leslie wanted me to know how Mattie's cancer has impacted her life. Leslie is a daily blog reader as is her husband, and they both think of Mattie each day as they also think of Peter and me. The question that arose is how does one go on after losing an only child? An excellent question, and the verdict is still out. Leslie was trying to tell me that she admires me, the work we do, and my strength. She wanted me to know that seeing me go through such a loss is not easy to witness, especially since we have been friends for many, many years.
As Leslie and I parted today, literally a butterfly flew over our heads. We both paused and immediately felt like we had a Mattie moment. Though some may feel that signs from nature are just that, parts of nature, I feel the need to believe that they are symbols of divine intervention. Symbols of Mattie that surround me.
When I got home this afternoon, I began to load up my car with the 15 bags of Mattie's items that I wanted to donate. Because of the nature of our unit, schlepping bags to my car is a feat. It involves going through multiple doors, down an elevator, and eventually getting to my car. It isn't always an easy carry. While going up and down today, I noticed a HUGE lady bug sitting on our deck door. Practically watching me carrying things down to the car! I should have grabbed my camera but by the time I did it was too late. The bug moved on! So that was the second bug sighting for the day.
After my Goodwill run, which is a story really for another blog --- since donating your dead child's items and seeing them going into bins is not easy, I came back home and walked through our deck. As soon as I opened our deck door, I was literally face to face with the biggest dragon fly I have ever seen in my life. It literally buzzed around my head for minutes. Though too fast to take a photo of, but this was my third bug sighting for the day. I do not believe any of this was a coincidence! Certainly prior to Mattie getting cancer and dying, I did not believe in such signs! However, I have learned the hard way not to ignore any such signs, but instead to appreciate them when they come my way.
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