Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was six months old. The reason I most likely took this photo was to illustrate Mattie's interests and desire to multi-task. Rarely would Mattie watch TV or a video. He was the furthest thing from a couch potato. On the screen a Baby Einstein video was playing, and though Mattie would listen and pay attention from time to time, he liked to be doing a task. One of the things he liked to do was sort his video tape collections which were stored under our TV. Mattie would take the tapes out, examine their covers, and stack them like blocks. Which was why early on I nicknamed Mattie, "My Little Engineer!"
Quote of the day: Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one. ~ Benjamin Franklin
Though I have great respect for Benjamin Franklin, his quote perplexes me. I think there are many, many reasons for people to be angry. Angry with themselves, at others, and for their life circumstances. I also think that such anger is not unjustified, unfair, or without good reason. So I highly disagree with Franklin. I am sure I could outline many examples of anger that we see in our day to day lives that would make perfect sense to us. Let's take a recent example of a family who lost a loved one at the Navy Yard shooting spree. How could such a family not be angry? Angry at the perpetrator, angry at the military base for not doing better security checks, and angry at a system who knew the gunman had mental health problems and yet what was really being done about it?!!
There are countless examples where true anger comes to mind. However, given the nature of this blog, the anger I will be talking about is the anger that unfolds from the loss of a child to cancer. I have seen this anger first hand within myself, but I have also observed it within others who have lost their child. We as a society believe grief happens in STAGES (which is wrong!!!) and therefore there is a time and place for anger, and then it eventually dissipates. Again, WRONG!!!! I have seen anger in those who just lost a child to cancer as well as in those who are several years into the grieving process.
In fact, several years into the grieving process I think fuels MORE anger! Anger arises for different reasons. Such as the false hope politicians and cancer groups provide us that drugs are being developed and that cures are on their way. Anger because with time others within our support community move on, and yet frankly we are the ones living with the day to day loss and changed lives. Anger because our roles have changed and the future we thought we were going to have is no longer. I could make a long list of the anger that results from childhood cancer and honestly I think this anger is VERY healthy. Anger unlike depression (which is another great side effect of losing a child to cancer) causes us to act. It stirs up ENERY within us to do things. Naturally what we choose to do and how we choose to act needs to be evaluated. Many parents who lose a child to cancer channel this anger and energy into advocacy, into trying to help other children, and also to holding those in our society who claim to be meeting the needs of kids with cancer accountable!
However, anger can hurt relationships. It is ironic, I think the natural reaction we have when we receive someone else's anger, is to argue back, to raise one's voice, to be equally hostile, or worse to ignore it. Chances are though, in 99.9% of the times when you have been in such a situation and have argued back or ignored what was being said, it most likely did not help. It only escalated the anger. I know when I have been angry over the loss of Mattie, there are a select group of people who I have lashed out at. Normally I am very even keeled, but under certain circumstances and with only a handful of people I will express my true feelings. Yet even my select few can get mad at me at times, and I try to remind them that my anger, though it may seem directed at them, comes out of hurt more than anger. In fact, I would be willing to bet on the fact that most of us who have lost a child to cancer appear angry, but at the core, the anger is fueled by feeling hurt. Hurt for what we are missing and hurt because we perceive others being insensitive to our loss.
Working through anger is a challenging thing to do, especially since it comes in waves not unlike grief. But just like grief, talking through it with others helps greatly. It is amazing how when someone who is grieving feels understood, you can practically see the anger dissipate from one's face. I recently observed this in a parent I know who lost a child to cancer. As he was talking and telling me he was angry, I literally said to him that I admired his passion, I understood his anger, and then hugged him. His tone immediately changed! Anger is a bold way for those of us who are grieving to make an attempt at being understood. I have a feeling when approaching anger with this insight, it will cause those of us who are recipients of it to have a different perspective and ultimately this will impact our reactions.
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