Saturday, March 7, 2015

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009. Mattie was attending the "Mattie March." The event was hosted by his care community to show their support for him and to encourage him through his treatment. Posing next to Mattie was Tricia, Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurse. We met Tricia the first week of Mattie's treatment and she became a vital part of our lives. She not only cared for Mattie, but she looked out for me and Peter. Not many of the hospital staff really looked out for Peter. Maybe it was because Peter is a man and there are social expectations our social has around this or maybe because Peter had to balance work outside of the hospital and caring for Mattie. Yet despite Peter's work schedule Tricia understood that Peter was always on top of Mattie's care and his medical situation. Tricia found ways to help Peter, whether it was bringing him clean towels in the morning to shower before he had to run to work, or bringing him coffee on occasion, which was vital for Peter to function after a night of very little sleep. This may not sound like a big deal, but in a hospital setting this kind of attention was ENORMOUS! Because NO ONE is really looking out for the patient's parents!!!! Given what I experienced with Tricia, it really isn't surprising that one day across the hallway, Mattie had something important to tell Tricia. In fact, he yelled for Tricia to come on over. Tricia came flying over thinking that something was very wrong. Mind you I had no idea why he was screaming. When Tricia came over, Mattie told her that the reason he called her over was that he wanted to tell her (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PICU!!!) that he LOVED HER! Mattie wasn't an overly affectionate person and certainly did not tell MANY people he loved them. If he told you this, it was because you EARNED it. 

Quote of the day: A harmonized mind produces harmony in this world of seeming discord. ~ Paramahansa Yogananda 

I love these bushes. I refer to them as, "Margaret's bushes." These rose bushes are near to where my good friend Mary Ann lives. When my friend Margaret died in June of 2014, Mary Ann sent me several photos of these glorious rose bushes in bloom in honor of Margaret, who grew the most stunning roses. Now Mary Ann and I follow Margaret's rose bushes throughout the seasons. Mary Ann sent me a photo of them today. Clearly they are barren and surrounded by snow, but as spring draws upon us, these bushes will be transformed. Which I look forward to seeing.  

If you were to turn your head to the right, while looking at Margaret's rose bushes, you would see this sight. A rather glorious sighting in a way. It is a stunning lake. Or at least it is stunning in the warmer weather months. But even in the winter there is something quite tranquil about this spot. To me Margaret's rose bushes are situated in a most ideal setting, and on this dock is a bench for people to sit and to look at over the water. To me it is so well planned. If I had this in my backyard, I am not sure I would ever leave my window.

What I love about this photo is not only the amazing ray of sunshine that is beaming down from above, but check out the lone Canadian Goose in the distance walking across the ice. You just have to love his spirit of determination. Though I did not see any of these sightings for myself today, it is very special to receive photos from a friend and to share in her journey. 

Later today I received an email letting me know that a local Girl Scout troop is collecting cookies and money for Mattie Miracle. Several members of this troop were Mattie's classmates. It is hard to imagine, if Mattie were alive today he would be in 7th grade and yet in my mind he will always be a kindergartner. I am stuck in time and have never moved passed that time point. One may think as time marches on that more healing takes place and therefore it would be easier to reunite with former moms and reconnect with Mattie's classmates. I find that the exact opposite is true. With time, it gets much harder. The divide between us gets larger, our differences become much more pronounced, and it is forever apparent what these moms continue to have and what I have lost. There is no how to book on finding one's way in the world after a child dies and unfortunately it does differ for each parent. Yet the sentiments I am expressing are real and given other bereaved parents I have spoken to, I know they are not unique to me.