Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie received this cute alligator hand toy. Despite how Mattie was feeling, he never lost his sense of humor. As I was opening and closing the gator's mouth, Mattie was mimicking what he saw. I remember this moment in time like it were yesterday.
Quote of the day: If your body is screaming in pain, whether the pain is muscular contractions, anxiety, depression, asthma or arthritis, a first step in releasing the pain may be making the connection between your body pain and the cause. Beliefs are physical. A thought held long enough and repeated enough becomes a belief. The belief then becomes biology. ~ Marilyn Van Derbur
I think tonight's quote could also be applied to grief and trauma. Surviving after a child dies, does have consequences. Our thoughts and feelings about this loss do get translated into real physical problems. It would be wonderful if releasing the pain were possible, but death isn't an isolated issue. Instead, with each phase of my life, special occasions, milestone moments, and even in my every day life, issues arise that force me to re-examine how my life has changed. After a while, the accumulation of losses (e.g., losing Mattie, which triggered a host of other losses.... loss of the identify of being a parent, loss of friends who are parents, loss of being connected to a school community, loss of Mattie's birthday's, graduations, and the list goes on) does become overwhelming.
Since Mattie died, I have experienced a host of medical problems. The most recent is being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. However, if you look at the causes of this disorder, one of the top culprits is experiencing a trauma. This week I have been dealing with a flair up of symptoms, and I have no specific explanation as to what triggered them. All I know is I am exhausted, can't get comfortable, and have shooting pains. It is my hope that as mysteriously as this came on, it goes away.
1 comment:
Vicki, It is my hope too, that as quickly as this recent episode started, that it ends soon. There truly isn't a day in each year that is not connected to Mattie. He is your child. His death prevents you from experiencing all these occasions with him but it doesn't keep you from knowing they are happening. Therein lies why the stress on any given day could send your body to experience fibromyalgia symptoms. I hope this is making sense. To me, Mattie's death deprived you of all special occasions and all the small, daily interaction, you would have with him. I think of you & Peter often as well as other parents, I know who wake up every day without their child. The isolation it causes because only another parent fully knows this grief. plus grief is such an individual experience. I am truly sorry and forever will wish there was a way to change this.
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