Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was home from the hospital, between treatments. That day his good buddy, Zachary came over to visit. Zachary and Mattie met each other on the first day of preschool in 2005. They became instant friends and their friendship continued into elementary school, despite going to different schools. I think certain people are drawn to each other and this was the case with Mattie and Zachary. Though they had a very active friendship (pre-cancer) that involved running around and jumping, Zachary adapted quickly and met Mattie's needs. It was truly an incredible sight to observe in a six year old. That day, Zachary brought over an Indiana Jones hat and gear for Mattie. Though Mattie never saw the movie, he liked it, because Zachary liked it. I will never forget their friendship and how much I learned from both of them.
Quote of the day: We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad. ~ John Green
Our plumber came over this morning to check out our water filtering system. His name is Cody. He is one of our favorite people to work with, and was instrumental to us when we first moved into the house. He is such a good guy, that we can text him at any time and he responds. In fact, he introduced Mattie Miracle to his company and now his company is a sponsor and also contributes gifts in kind. Any time Cody comes over, I bake for him. He loves sweets as much as I do, so last evening Peter and I baked cookies together for Cody and us. My dad LOVES chocolate chip cookies, so he was very happy with our baking decision.
This morning I got both of my parents out the door at 10:45am. My dad had a physical therapy appointment at the hospital and I have to leave an hour before the appointment to drive there, get my parents up to the hospital's atrium, have my mom go to the bathroom and then find her a chair and table to sit at to have tea while I go to the therapy session with my dad. I am constantly on the move and juggling needs!
I know Peter and those closest to me are worried about me. For good reason. I am taking on a HUGE, HUGE task. Caregiving for one is hard, two is practically impossible. My dad is needy and requires constant attention. Though that alone is hard, it is my mom who sends me right over the edge. She can be hostile, snappy, demanding, opinionated and self focused. To top off this personality issue, she also has significant movement disorder issues which we are trying to get diagnosed. Therefore, my role as a caregiver is all consuming, both physically and mentally and as Peter has pointed out to me..... we have lost our lives. I can't argue with him, as I am more than aware of the fact that I have lost myself in this process as there is no time to work or take care of myself.
I know something has to give, because if I get sick, this whole routine comes to a stand still. I do the job of about ten people on any given day and it takes a lot emotionally to keep everything even keeled. Some days I am more successful at it than others. It is very complicated when your parents live with you, as I just don't see even bringing in an aide for four hours a day as being helpful. Because at the end of the day, there would be 20 more hours that I would still have to maintain and balance. My dad is really flexible and would do whatever I suggest, my mom is a completely different story. She shoots down whatever I suggest and though she thinks she has many interests and abilities, she truly has lost all of them. It is a sad reality, but one that I have to face head on.
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