Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009. Mattie had been working on this creation for weeks with his art therapists. Mattie made this clay vase in clinic, glazed it red (one of my favorite colors), and with his therapists designed tissue paper roses. This gift was presented to me for Mother's Day! To this day, I showcase this vase in our family room! It is a priceless piece to me.
Quote of the day: It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces. ~ Ella Harper
Some days are better for me than others. When I say better, I mean I feel like I can find a way through the day. Then there are other days like today, when I feel very anxious, very stressed out, and truly perplexed about my past, present, and future. I woke up at 5:30am, and typically when I wake up, my body is basically jolted awake. Since Peter has left, I start everyday off in a panic. I can feel my blood pressure rise, my head pounding, and this crazy fluttering in my ear. It is this fluttering which has caused my doctor to send me for an MRI in a week.
Since Peter has left, I have gotten connected on-line to a woman in England. She is going through something quite similar as me. Though I met her in a support group (which I lasted in for only ONE session), we have remained connected ever since. Not just connected, we write to each other daily. What she and I are contending with on a daily basis is hard to describe unless you are living it. In some cases, sharing our stories, not only validates what we are experiencing, but we it eerie how we are thousands of miles apart and yet our thoughts and feelings are quite similar. Overall most people who are contending with what we do each day, are receiving intensive supports through counseling, medication, self help groups, and you name it. I of course do not have the time for any of this because of my caregiving demands. Nonetheless, despite how busy I am, it doesn't mean I am not acutely aware of the nightmare I am living. It is a nightmare that impacts every member of my household.
If it is possible to die of a broken heart, I will be the medical world's case study. It is a taxing existence between being abandoned and managing the around the clock care of two people with dementia. As I say, I may not ever get over this, as there is just so much heartache one person can absorb.
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