Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie went through many food phases while on chemotherapy. There was the donut phase, the Utz potato chip phase, the vanilla shake phase, and there was a chicken finger and French fry phase. Needless to say, whenever Mattie felt like eating, we ran around to make it happen. For the most part, once Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, his appetite disappeared. Mattie was always lanky (ironically most kids who get diagnosed with osteosarcoma have the same body type), so he truly did not have much weight to lose. By the time Mattie died, which was 14 months after diagnosis, he was emaciated.
Quote of the day: Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time. ~ Thomas Edison
It has not been a good week. After dropping my dad off this morning at his memory care center, I went grocery shopping. I got home, put groceries away, did three loads of laundry, and then thought..... I better flush the sump pump. I have to do it every three months and my plumber taught me how to do this. It requires that I use a hose and place it in our outdoor basement drain. I was worried about doing this, because I never know if I am going to screw something up. But ironically the flushing of the sump pump was easy, it was everything else that was a nightmare.
Over the winter, I stored the backyard hose in the shed. So in order to flush out the sump pump, I had to get the hose out and attach it to the water spigot. When I opened the shed, I was greeted with a disaster. A racoon is living in the shed. Things are chewed, poop is everywhere, and frankly the whole sight was devastating. It is indicative of my life. I am the one who always has to do the hard jobs! Truly I was ready to flip out, but it only got better. I attached the hose to the spigot and instead of it expanding it kept contracting. So my beautiful Copper Bullet hose (that I bought last year) is now a piece of junk. The racoon gnawed on it! Make a long story short, not only is the hose not working, but I broke the hose caddy trying to detach the broken hose from it.
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If dealing with caregiving, the house, and other problems are not enough, tonight I started going through items from my marriage. As things need to be packed up that do not belong to me. I can assure you that I am not a stranger to doing TOUGH things. I am the one who had to go through Mattie's belongings. It was not an easy process, and after Mattie died, I was so traumatized that I did not touch his belongings for five years after he died. At the five year mark, the only reason I had to address his things was because our home looked like a warehouse. Literally I had art work, toys, and things in piles! I felt it was not a good tribute to Mattie's memory and I worked hard to clear out his bedroom, so that I could display and highlight his amazing art work and life.
It was a cleaning out process that I had NEVER wanted to do. Now once again, I am faced with another cleaning out process that I NEVER THOUGHT I would have to do! There is something very heartbreaking about going through tangible items and truthfully what I have had to do and what I am going through now I wouldn't wish on anyone.
On an aside, today I went to the bank. Our bank is a special place. Everyone inside knows me, as they have been helping me with countless things since my separation. While chatting with the tellers today, one of them happened to say..... tough times never last forever. She was talking to me and the other teller, who is also a caregiver. Some days I can handle such platitudes, but today wasn't such a day. In a kind way, I told her that there are actual things in life that you just never get over and then I told her about Mattie. Needless to say, I have a feel she will think twice before saying that platitude again.
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