Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments. Since Mattie was unable to get to water, we brought the water to him. In pots, bowls, and basins. Mattie absolutely loved water play and anything that was going to bring Mattie joy, I would was going to do. In fact, I would say that with Mattie I learned early on to appreciate his creativity and the mess or antics that came with it.
Quote of the day: There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand. ~ Sarah Dessen
I would say that tonight's quote is spot on. By the time we get to adulthood and have had long term, and committed relationships, we develop a mindset of those we can trust, those we can rely on, and like a mathematical geometry equation that has givens, certain people become important facets or the cornerstone of our life's foundation. When this cornerstone is altered or removed, then our whole outlook, our safety, and understanding of the world can crumble. This is basically where I am at. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I was forced to face something else that I did not understand.... how does a child develop cancer? Or why does this happen? Then of course why did Mattie have to die? All questions that have no answers! In Mattie's case, I was mad at the disease, but at no time throughout that journey, did I ever question the love we all felt for each other. That was a constant, a core, our foundation. I would say it is an undying love, as I still write this blog today.
But how do I rationalize not being married now? What happened to my life and my future? These are questions much harder to grapple with and in the midst of dealing with this daily devastation, I am also caregiving. It is like the perfect storm. When you are caregiving for people who need constant support and guidance, then there is very little time for yourself. I am caring for my parents, but at this point in time, the tables have been turned. I have become the parent and I have to make all the important, rational, and sound decisions for all three of us. I do not live with someone I can bounce ideas off of, who can support my many emotional needs, and of course can provide direction and hope for the future. Yet each day, I know I can't crumble, I can't fall apart, because then our household would flounder.
So instead, I manage the day through tasks. That may sound counterproductive, but actually there is routine, structure, and consistently to tasks. All things needed to cope and manage through trauma and loss.
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