Monday, November 9, 2009

Monday, November 9, 2009

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Spring time was always a special time of year for Mattie and I. We both loved to see the trees unfold their new leaves, and we especially loved the Cherry Blossoms on the Mall. In fact, we would often visit them during the week, when the tourists hadn't arrived yet by the bus loads. Peter took a picture of us on one of these special walks, and as we headed to the Washington Mall, we always passed this amazing fountain. This was one of Mattie's favorite fountains because of the tremendous amount of water shooting up into the air. The fountain also attracted ducks, and you can see a few floating about in the background.

Poem of the day (Thank you Julia!): I Wonder by Jackie Riesland


The question.
Was there pain?
Did you feel pain?
Or were you here one minute
And with God the next?
Was there a tunnel of light?
Or just darkness?
I choose to believe there was someone there for you.
I was not,
Maybe even an angel or two,
To ease your fear
When you walked toward
The Light of God.
Were you afraid?
Did you hear my cries for you?
Did you feel the loss,
The loss of a life briefly lived,
Or were you glad to go?
To go home to your place in Heaven.
I wonder these things.
I wonder where you are.
I wonder how you are.
Do you think of us?
Without you, a piece of our heart has been taken away.
Are you in pain, Or does the Light of Heaven erase the pain?
When will I see you again?
I wonder when your soul left behind what I knew as my son?
I am your Mother,
And I don't know how it can be that you are okay without me.
Each day I push down the pain in my chest,
The pain that is always there.
The pain of wondering~What happened to my SON?
Most of all I wonder?
Why you?


This morning, I went to visit Ann's mom, Mary. Mary and I were having a nice conversation together and I shared with her two photos that I wanted her to have. One was a photo from her 50th anniversary party and the other photo was more recent, a Halloween photo. While Mary and I were chatting, a woman walked into the room. I had recognized her from previous weeks, but she reintroduced herself to me. It turns out she happens to be a grief counselor through Hospice. She was coming to talk with Mary, as apparently she periodically does. This is my second time meeting this social worker, and she and I did not get off on the right foot during our first meeting weeks ago. Mainly because she was visiting Mary during a time when Mary was sleeping and not feeling well, so I wouldn't give her access to talk with Mary.

I wanted to give Mary her privacy to talk with this social worker today, but Mary told the social worker she wanted me to stay. Mary told her that I too had suffered a major loss recently. As soon as the social worker heard I lost my son, I became the immediate focus of attention. Despite my best efforts to redirect the woman to the person (Mary) she came to see and help, she continued to focus upon me. So I did talk with her, and pulled Mary into our conversation as well. At one point the social worker turns to both of us and says that our grief will get easier with time, and it won't be as painful or hurtful as it is now. I said nothing (NEVER a good sign!). However, Mary did not allow her to get away with this insensitive and down right ridiculous statement. Mary told her in her own words that she disagreed, and gave the example of her son who she lost two years ago. She told the social worker that she still reflects on the loss of her son daily, and it still pains her. Since Mary began the conversation, I felt the need to step in and concur with her, because Mary is exactly right. I then asked the social worker if she ever lost a child. Of course she said, NO! With that, I basically told her that she then had no right or idea to tell us how or what we will be feeling in time. Again she and I do not see eye to eye, and within only a few minutes time she felt the need to refer me to a support group to share my thoughts and feelings with others who lost a child. Despite my telling her I wasn't ready to do this, she kept after me, and even called me later in the day with support group information. This insistence by this social worker not only irritated me the entire day, but what I found particularly disturbing is she was judgmental, thought she knew my grief better than I do, and most importantly she wasn't truly listening to me or respecting what I was saying. So my day started out on a shaky note, and what I regretted was I had to leave Mary with this woman, because I had a lunch appointment. But I felt like this social worker was the perfect example of why the mental health profession sometimes gets a bad reputation, especially when it comes to handling grief and loss issues. She handled sensitive issues poorly and did not listen well, which is the cornerstone in my perspective of a good counselor.

I had the opportunity to meet Olivia today for lunch. Olivia is a SSSAS parent and was instrumental in hosting and planning Mattie's Celebration of Life reception at Georgetown Visitation Preparatory School. Olivia and I haven't seen each other since October 10, so I am happy we had this time to connect today. Olivia and I spoke about so many different things. I know she is a faithful blog reader, as I know many of you still are, and I asked Olivia today why she continues to read the blog. We explored a whole host of reasons, but one of the things I concluded was that many of our readers are invested in our family's story, and there is something about this story that pulls on your heart and also makes you reflect upon your own lives. Losing a child is one of the worst things that could happen to a family, and yet this could happen to anyone, any one of you for that matter. I know many of you are looking for some possible reason or explanation for our suffering and perhaps by continuing to read the blog you will find at the end of this long struggle a ray of hope, some sort of positive outcome to bring us all peace. Watching Peter and I undergo this intense grief, is at the core a study in human resiliency, because in all reality how do we get up each day? What motivates us to keep living? I honestly don't know. Olivia and I had a very existential conversation today, which I found both stimulating and supportive. She told me it was easy to know how to support me while Mattie was still alive. After all, there were tasks to be performed such as meals, bringing toys, visiting Mattie, etc. But now it is harder to know what to do to help or support me, because perhaps grieving is a process that must happen independently and in isolation. Indeed, some people like myself do accomplish the more intense grieving in isolation, however, I explained to Olivia that I still needed support. I don't mean professional support, I mean the support of those in our Mattie community, who are willing to listen and understand that I am not looking for answers. I am not looking for someone to fix my problems, but simply to be heard, to be able to share ideas, and not be judged for having them. I think the biggest mistake people make when dealing with people who are grieving is to feel that they can't help because they haven't lost a child. I agree, it helps to have this commonality definitely, but I also think that if someone has the desire to help, that many times the desire can be a powerful and very healing force in and of itself. Needless to say, I found my lunch today with Olivia very moving and healing, because we connected on an emotional level in which we shared feelings about Mattie's loss and about the challenges of being a mom.

I had the opportunity to see Ann today as well, and in the midst of my visits with Olivia and Ann, I purchased a book entitled the "Grief Garden." It is a book that covers the case stories of 22 parents who have lost a child. I began reading this book today and quickly realized that I wasn't ready to continue reading it, or at least I had to put it down today. In one of the case stories, a mom explains that her life is forever changed, and even 10 years after the death of her son, she continues to feel this way. This is my biggest fear, and you can say whatever you like about this mom (she did not seek counseling, did not have an effective support system, etc...), but in the end, I can see how this feeling is quite plausible. Which led me to question what if this is my life? What if, like this mom, I always feel this way? Any case, I feel as if I must follow my inner feelings right now, which tell me I am not ready yet to explore certain issues. It would be nice if I could, but again, I have to respect the fact that at the end of the day, I am the only one living this life, living this loss. If I don't think reading and seeking support is what I need right now, then I have to be at peace with this.

I would like to share a story my mom wrote today and sent along to me. I found it very moving, and anyone who has tried to grow an orchid plant, knows that they are temperamental and not easy to maintain.


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Mattie and The Miracle of The White Orchids
By Virginia R. Sardi

A few days after Mattie passed away, Mauro and I returned home to Los Angeles where we continued to grieve for Mattie and prepare for a quick return to Washington to attend the Celebration of Life to honor him. Our hearts were heavy but our minds were keenly focused on the message we wanted to create and present at the ceremony to accurately reflect his accomplishments in the seven years of his life as seen through our eyes and the prism of our experiences with him. Nothing else mattered much to either of us!

Shortly after our return, good friends sent us a beautiful white orchid plant in his memory. The plant came with a decorative copper filigree support and though long stemmed and elegant, it appeared to be both fragile and in need of a professional touch for it to have any chance of survival. Not having cared for an orchid plant before, I didn’t have much hope of success. I also knew I could not give it the attention it deserved, so I placed it in my kitchen hoping that if it received filtered light and water on a fairly regular basis, it might last a few weeks at most and as time went on, being preoccupied with weightier matters, I must confess I forgot about the plant altogether. Not a good way for a plant to thrive in a new environment. To make matters worse, when we left for Washington, DC to attend Mattie’s celebration of life, our dear friend, John, who usually takes care of our house, and waters our flowers and plants when we are away, was bitten by a spider and landed in the hospital. Mattie’s white orchids received no water or attention that week and when we returned from Washington, there were so many things to attend to, that I overlooked it in attempting to settle down, unpack and try to cope with the loss of Mattie. When I finally got around to checking out the plant, I was astonished to see the beautiful white flowers as fresh and amazingly beautiful as the day the plant arrived at our house. It was shortly after October 15th and I noted that the plant had been sitting in the kitchen for about a month. What a remarkable plant, I thought! It’s appears to have Mattie’s stamina and staying power otherwise it could not have made it through a month of neglect!

I must say from that day on I began to observe the flowers every day and check for any evidence that the blooms were fading or past their peak. As I sit and write tonight, November 7th, the flowers look as glorious as on the day I first saw them. The plant has now been where we left it in the kitchen for almost two months and I am astounded at the delicate beauty of its flowers and their invincibility in spite of the odds against them.

My curiosity got the best of me so I googled the internet to find out more about this incredible plant. I learned that:

A white Phalaenopsis orchid bestows wishes of purity, love and adoration. What other indoor flowering plant will bloom and stay in bloom for two to three months? Only a Phalaenopsis orchid especially a white Phalaenopsis orchid. With proper care they can last for weeks, even months!

So it is possible for a white orchid plant to stay in bloom for two or three months but note the caveat that it would require proper care for this to happen, not near neglect. Could it be, was it possible that Mattie’s love of nature transcended his heavenly abode to influence our earthly lives by performing another “Mattie Miracle?” Did he nurture his white orchids with manna from heaven to keep them alive and in bloom to compensate for our lack of earthly attention to their needs and make them stay fresh for such a long time as a reminder to us that he is not gone but ever present if we but only remain sensitive to his new power and potential to interact with us on another plane?

I leave you to judge for yourself. Today, I took a picture of these beautiful orchids and thought you might ponder for yourself how these white orchid blooms could look so fresh and alive after two months of living without much human intervention. Like the white orchids, Mattie, with his purity, innocence and love, proves to me beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is still an irresistible force in our lives who makes “miracles” happen to signal that he resides forever in our hearts and reminds us in a subtle but tangible way that although we cannot see him, he can still see us!



Are these white orchids not glorious? You must take into consideration that they have been like this since the day we received them shortly after we returned home on October 12th! Is it another “Mattie Miracle?” I’ll let you be the judge!








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I end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Your blog was so detailed I could "see" you yesterday at the memorial service at Georgetown, at the ceremony and then trying to get down that hallway. I am glad that you feel safe enough at Georgetown to start to get in touch with your feelings; that speaks volumes about the staff of the hospital because as you wrote, many families do not feel comfortable in that setting once their loved one has died. Many thanks to Ann for being a soft place to land and a firm support all at the same time even though she is also grieving her father right now. People grieve differently, even married couples who have the closest relationship usually have difficulty giving each other support at this time which is why they are each encouraged to have a grief counselor help out. Groups are not for everyone; and even if you want to join a group, some people wait a couple of months while others may wait more than a year or two. It depends on the person who is grieving and where he/she is in the process. I am glad you found the ceremony meaningful and moving; I know you were afraid you might not. Just don't be afraid to cry, tears are the outward expression of deep and abiding love and are always an appropriate statement. I hope you found some healing yesterday, today do something for yourself, however small. You remain as always in my thoughts."