Saturday, January 3, 2026

Saturday, January 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and half old and I snapped this photo because Mattie had moments in which he was all business! Meaning he had an idea, a plan, and was going to find a way to execute on it! Mattie loved collecting cardboard boxes because he used them in his play schemes and created all sorts of things out of them, which was why when packages came in and we left the empty boxes by the front door, Mattie always quickly claimed them!

Quote of the day: Nothing that grieves us can be called little; by the external laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size. ~ Mark Twain

My focus today was to put away Christmas. I have been working on dismantling Christmas all week. I did a little bit at a time. But today, I dealt with the tree, lights, and all the ornaments and put them safely away. When I was married, a lot of the bigger Christmas items were kept in the storage area above the garage. But I do not like climbing up a ladder and accessing that space, so I have moved everything to the basement. The storage closet in the basement has always been very organized and well labeled, and I have kept up that system. I also re-organized the placement of the bins, because I put the heavier ones closer to the floor, so I am not killing myself each time I move them. One large bin practically fell on me in December, so I decided to rectify that problem!

This afternoon, I took my parents to our local diner. This is our Saturday tradition. This diner treats us so well and everyone there looks out for my parents! Literally when we walk in, if there is a wait to get a table, the staff run to get chairs for my parents to sit and wait. Last week, my dad was eyeing one of the diner's nutcrackers. My dad liked it so much that he wanted to take it home. I told him he couldn't do that, as it belonged to the diner. Guess what? The manager gift wrapped it and gave it to my dad today! So now this cutie will be part of our annual Christmas decorations. 

I mention this because kindness, caring, and unexpected surprises I find make life worth living! 

Friday, January 2, 2026

Friday, January 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was nine months old and he was fully ON! Though walkers were not recommended for children and their development in 2003, I felt in Mattie's case it would be a God send. I was absolutely correct. Mattie did not like sitting down, he never crawled, and even at a few months old he wanted to walk and move around. The walker gave Mattie the independence he craved and he literally would zoom around the first floor of our home following me around. Look at that smile! That said it all.... Mattie had a strong willed personality, and in many ways he challenged me beyond measure, which is why I always credit Mattie for being my life's greatest teacher!

Quote of the day: There’s honor in such a well-lived life…there’s healing in remembering…there’s hope in knowing love goes on forever. ~ Diana Manning

This photo display popped up in my email inbox today. These photos were taken in 2005! Truly when photos show up on my screen, I never know what I am going to see or what memories I am going to be reliving. What I do know is photos DO NOT LIE! I know what our family looked like, I know about the love and commitment we shared, and the life we built together over 35 years. Of which of course Mattie was an important part. Mattie was only on this earth for 7 years, but we packed a lot of things into a short period time together, and through this blog and my work with Mattie Miracle..... Mattie will NEVER die!

These photos were all taken at my former in-laws home. I shared them with my former mother-in-law today and we both commented..... these were happy times together. I know it, she knows it, and that is what counts.   

As I mentioned yesterday, I have a friend who asked me about my three wishes for 2026. I discussed that last night, but this morning, she went on to ask me to reflect on three things I am grateful for today. Keep in mind when we talk about what we are grateful for, we aren't talking about big things. Instead, we try to find gratitude even in the smallest joys and gestures of our day. In fact, she sent me a video on gratitude and the presenter was talking about the benefits of reflecting on the positives and how these positives can help to override our negativity bias. What do I think of that? I think it is an interesting notion, but I also think that this notion is judgmental and negates the crises, feelings, and thoughts that drown us. That said, though I do not believe positivity and gratitude help to balance out the negative, I do agree that reflecting on other things besides negativity, sadness, and grief, are important for the brain. It is almost like we are exercising a different muscle of the mind, that helps us see our world more holistically.  

So here's what I came up with for today:

1. Grateful that my dad is out of the hospital and stable. This morning my dad had a PT session at home. I got to see my dad working hard and truly trying to do everything asked of him. I was proud of him and I told the therapist.... we have already proved the hospital WRONG about my dad's abilities! 
2. Grateful to have a clean and organized house, and that I can work hard to maintain the house! Organization and details are important to me. Having this stability and structure makes me feel in control and safe. You may recall that I mentioned a few days ago that I have a leak in the basement. Paul, who helps me with my heating and air systems in the house, came over this morning and diagnosed the problem. He will return on Monday to fix the problem. 
3. Grateful that I have the physical strength and capabilities to take on many projects around the house. I have been working hard at putting Christmas away and I am almost there! But this also requires organization and lifting and storing heavy bins in our utility closet. Later in the day, I went outside to deal with all the big tree limbs that fell from our latest wind storms and put them into trash receptacles. While outside, a neighbor saw me, and he came over to help me break apart the very big limbs. Always grateful for help!

Thursday, January 1, 2026

Thursday, January 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and look at that smile! Mattie was on the floor, surrounded by all his toys and to me he looked like the picture of health, joy, and happiness. I will never forget these moments, no matter how many years go by, they are etched in my mind and heart. 

Quote of the day: When we lose people we love , we don’t mourn the past — we mourn un-lived tomorrows. We mourn the loss of people who knew us thoroughly and loved us anyway, and future memories that will never be made. ~ James Russell Lingerfelt

A friend wrote to me today, wishing me a happy New Year, and asking about resolutions or better yet my three wishes for 2026! Why on earth do we all set ourselves up each January 1st, with unrealistic hopes, expectations, wishes, or resolutions? Are we conditioned to do this, and if so, where does this conditioning come from? 

What I do know is that research shows that 80% of resolutions are abandoned by people within the first month. There are many reasons for this abandonment, such as: (1) unrealistic goals (e.g., I want to be healthier, but without having specific and actionable steps to achieve this goal), (2) resolutions based on all-or- nothing thinking (e.g., you missed one workout, and therefore you failed), (3) resolutions are based on external pressure rather than on something that resonates internally with you, or (4) a lack of a support system to help you achieve your goals. 

Now that said, I am not suggesting we should abandon all goals. Goals are important, they give us focus, they challenge us, and in the process they can help us grow, mature, and connect more meaningfully with people. But I think when you are talking to a full-time caregiver, one has to be cognizant that resolutions, wishes, and goals may look differently for us. The freedoms most people have in their lives, doesn't exist for the family caregiver. We can't do anything without a great deal of thought and preparation because of our responsibilities. Every part of my life is dictated by caregiving, even down to when I wake up or go to sleep at night. 

So when asked today what my three wishes are for 2026..... my response was....I had none! My friend then tried to generate wishes for me. Certainly I appreciated the effort and the hope, but what I have learned from Mattie's cancer, death, my divorce, and full-time support of my parents is that YOU CAN WANT AND WISH FOR MANY THINGS, but at the end of the day, WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF OUR LIVES, THE OUTCOME, or our destination. The only thing we DO CONTROL is our reaction to what comes our way. Therefore if I had to make a resolution or a wish, words I do not care for, it would be to have the faith and confidence in myself to find a way forward through 2026. For the past two years, I have been like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I faced so many impossible situations and crises alone. Therefore, my New Year's mantra will be faith, strength, confidence and continual pursuit of looking for glimmers of hope! 

Wednesday, December 31, 2025

Wednesday, December 31, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. We spent that Christmas in Florida with my parents. We decided to go on a fan boat ride that day! It is something I will never forget, including the alligators that were swimming around the boat. Mattie thought the whole thing was fascinating and he wasn't scared one bit! This wasn't the fan boat we went on, instead the company had several older models on display for the kids to explore. Sure enough Captain Mattie climbed aboard! Mattie LOVED boats, all kinds, and was happy to tell anyone who listened that he was saving money in his piggie bank to buy a REAL boat someday! Unfortunately that someday never came.

Quote of the day: There’s no such thing as “moving on.” We go forward, trying to find our footing, figuring out how to live—how to love—after such loss. ~ Amy Trowbridge-Yates

Every morning, I go into the basement and clean out Indie's two litter boxes. On an aside, I think I finally have solved the problem of her pooping on the floor. It only took me like 6 months. But having two litter boxes and changing the litter weekly seems to be the key! She was never this finicky before, but I guess as we all age, we have preferences! But the vet was correct... she needed two boxes, not one!

Any case, while in the basement, I went to check on the salt supply in that white bin, that supplies our water softening system for the house. I dump 40 pounds of salt into this bin about every three months. YES I can lift 40 pounds alone! When I opened the door, what I was greeted with was a flood on the floor. Water was coming out of the house's steam humidifier system. Truly I was ready to have a hissy fit, but I took a deep breath, cleaned up the flood, dried out the area and then text messaged my HVAC specialist! I literally have the cell phone numbers for practically everyone who helps me with my house. Thankfully, because once I was separated in 2023, I was totally on my own. I had to figure out everything from the ground up, and had little to no prior knowledge on how anything in the house worked! 

I had planned to take my parents out for a nice New Year's Eve lunch today. Something they love doing...... is going out to eat, and they love this French restaurant in Great Falls, VA. This restaurant holds many special memories, as I used to celebrate my wedding anniversary and birthday here.

I was hoping we would have a peaceful lunch, as my dad had two irritable bowel syndrome bouts at home. I figured VERY wrong! 

When our entrees came, my dad had a large bout at the table. I had to get him to the bathroom, clean him up and change his clothes. Truly after that, I am not sure how I came back to the table and ate, but I did! When I think about the quality of my life, I truly do not know how I manage from one day to the next. A new year brings me no joy either, as it is another year I face alone, not being married, not having Mattie by my side, and none of this brings me happiness. 

My dad having his onion soup.... a favorite of his, not to mention consuming bread! For a man with multiple health issues.... he looks pretty good. The fact that I can still take my parents out, I celebrate that notion. 

When I was packing up to leave the restaurant, the wait staff wanted to help me. Why? Because I had a cushion for my dad, two seat cushions for my mom, a tote bag full of supplies, and a bag of food items that my dad did not eat. They didn't think I could manage it on my own! I laughed, and told them.... don't worry I am a sherpa! When they saw me juggling all these items, my mom attached to one of my arms, and me helping my dad with his walker, they couldn't get over it! Yep... this is my existence, an existence that I never thought I would be managing alone. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2025

Tuesday, December 30, 2025 -- Mattie died 826 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. That Christmas we celebrated it in Florida with my parents. Prior to taking a walk, there had been a storm, and it was very windy. Along our walk, Mattie found this palm frond. He LOVED it! I remember walking around with it, because he wanted to take it back to the hotel. This was the beauty of Mattie Brown. Mattie loved nature, adventure, and exploration. Yet every adventure seemed to produce a gift... a little piece of nature that we would take back with us and appreciate! 

Quote of the day: You would never know stars were there if you looked for them in a sunlit sky. It’s only when darkness falls that you realize…some things are always shining over us…just beyond our sight. ~ Suzanne Berry

This morning, I got up extra early because I had to take my dad to his post hospitalization cardiology appointment. At hospital discharge the cardiology team changed most of my dad's medications. Of course they did this with little to no explanation provided to me. When I discussed these changes with my dad's primary care provider, he over rode these new scripts and put my dad back on his usual medications. Today I got to speak with the nurse practitioner in the cardiology office. This is what I have found about nurses..... for the most part you are going to learn the reality of a condition by talking to a nurse. Meaning information that doctors may not feel comfortable sharing land up in a nurse's hands!

Throughout my dad's recent hospitalization NO ONE ever mentioned that my dad could have heart failure. This is the joy of hospitals.... instead of focusing holistically on the patient, they focus on the most pressing issue at hand. Which for this admission was my dad's brain bleed. But today, the nurse discussed with me my dad's echocardiogram results from his hospital admission. She admitted that a hospital admission is NOT the greatest time to take an echocardiogram, because when coming in through the ER, the patient is either dealing with a trauma, infection, or other major health concern. Which doesn't provide an ideal condition for a heart assessment. In any case, I learned today that my dad's ejection fraction is 45%.

Doctors use Ejection Function (EF) to diagnose and monitor conditions like heart failure. EF is an important measurement used in both diagnosing and managing heart failure. It calculates the percentage (%) of blood that the left ventricle pumps out with each beat, showing how well the heart is working. Doctors track this number to see how the heart's function changes over time, adjusting treatments when needed to improve heart performance and slow down the disease's progress.

My dad's EF is 45%. I had the nurse go back to his July admission, when he fell at home because he was weakened by a virus, to compare his percentages. In July his EF was 60%. In comparison to now, his heart is considered to have mildly reduced function...... pumping a little less than half of the blood out of the heart chamber, and this explains why I am seeing his shortness of breath with activity.

Though my dad was present for this conversation, he wasn't tracking the nurse! Instead, when the appointment was over, he said..... he was happy that he got a good health report today! It made no sense to correct my dad or to have him worry about his ejection fraction..... that is my role. When caring for someone with Alzheimer's, you have to judge and make the best possible decisions for them, and I am convinced having him worry about his heart is not in his best interest. One of the things I have learned about Alzheimer's is that some information can get stored and gets revisited every minute... almost like an obsession. I chose to eliminate that fear, worry, and perseveration today from the equation. Nonetheless, it adds to my list of significant health issues to monitor and assess for each day!

Changing the subject.... last night, Indie and I watched this Hallmark movie together.........................................

To me this movie had many important messages, not only to young couples, but to all committed couples. In fact, at one point in the movie, the grandmother stands up and says to this young couple who has been fighting and not sure they want to get married.... you don't leave or stop talking when things get challenging. NO! Instead, you find a way forward together. 

This adorable movie hit home to me because it resonated with my core values about commitment, loyalty, and love. Love and commitments are forever, they are not only shared and shelled out when things are going your way. It was refreshing to know that my view on marriage was shared and played out in last night's movie. 

Monday, December 29, 2025

Monday, December 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie was four years old and one of our annual holiday traditions was visiting the US Botanical Gardens. Each December, they displayed these wonderful national landmarks, each made of plant based material. Mattie and I typically took a photo in front of the miniature version of the US Capitol! The Gardens were magical over the holidays with their pops of color, holiday train displays, and of course the 70/80 degree temperatures inside were SO special when it was freezing outside! Back then, I thought I we would have MANY more moments like this!

Quote of the day: When I miss you, sometimes, I listen to music or look at pictures of you, not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you. ~ LeBron James

Every night, after I get my parents to bed and I close up everything downstairs, Indie follows me upstairs. She is a creature of habit! She knows my every move and my nighttime routine. Once my day is finished caregiving, Indie knows that it is then her turn. She wants attention and to be close to me. This is a new one for me, because when I was married, Indie was NOT bonded with me. She got along with me, but she wasn't my cat. One year into my divorce, Indie has learned she has me and only me! She has become my night time companion, and we watch TV together. Indie knows every Hallmark movie by now!

When I woke up this morning, this photo collage was in my inbox. A memory from another December 29.....when I was married and we were on a cruise with my parents. We went on so many adventures together and when I see these photos now, it is like looking at someone else's life. I almost feel like I have lived several different lives, and with each trauma and loss, the person I was died, and then the shell of Vicki continues on, perhaps rebuilds, but stability for me never lasts long. 

My dad went to his memory care center today. It is the only day this week he could go because of the New Year holiday approaching. This gave me the opportunity to put our outdoor Christmas lights away, pick up my dad's scripts at the pharmacy, work on Foundation items, laundry, and take my mom out for tea. Of course I am not allowed one minute of peace, because while out my neighbor contacted me because he was concerned that his alarm was going off and wanted me to go over and check the house. I literally got on my coat, left me mom, and drove home and did a parameter check! If it is possible to be on constant alert, then I am! I remember this feeling when Mattie had cancer, making it very hard to focus, concentrate, and sleep. 

Later in the day, I came home and had to pick up branches that were all over the place from intense winds and of course go through the mail! One of my least favorite activities because what never disappoints are bills and other surprises. Today's surprise was that I found out that my health insurance premiums are going up in January! Now this maybe common sense to you, but remember these are NOT things I dealt with when married. So my learning curve is significant and I have had to become good at asking questions and turning to professionals for help. I am so worn out physically and emotionally from the last two years of dealing with my separation and divorce and four years of non-stop caregiving. Each day... my hope is it will get easier, that I will see some sort of glimmer of hope, that I will see life is worth living..... I keep waiting! 

Sunday, December 28, 2025

Sunday, December 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and by that point, he was in kindergarten and truly blossoming and developing beautifully! He was excited about learning, loved his school, and had solid friendships. In all reality, we had the perfect existence! It is hard to believe that only seven months later Mattie was diagnosed with cancer! 

Quote of the day: Have you ever walked down a crowded street, smelling a familiar scent and trying to look around for a familiar shadow or hearing a familiar voice? Then you felt a sharp pain recalling old sweet memories you shared with someone, and you wished you could see even a glimpse of them. ~ Verliza Gajeles

This morning I was listening to a podcast on my phone while getting dressed. Given that I was listening to a Christmas Eve podcast, they were joking about Christmas songs and asked the audience to call in with their least favorite songs. Honestly I am not sure I dislike any particular Christmas song. I can appreciate the meaning or fun in each one. But nonetheless, the topic intrigued me. So I kept on listening. You want to know what the number one song people called about? Try Dominick the Donkey! Truly, I screamed out...... WHAT??? What kind of Christmas song is this? Turns out this song came out in 1960, and it was to celebrate the Italian culture! Rather embarrassing that I did not know this given that both sides of my family are ITALIAN! So you know what I had to do...... THAT'S RIGHT, I went to YouTube to look up this song. Here it is.........

I don't know about you, but I absolutely LOVED it! It makes me laugh! I don't know if it is the sing-songy nature of the tune or the white donkey pictured in the song! The premise is that Santa can't get his reindeer up the mountainous terrain of Italy to deliver Christmas gifts to the children, so Santa turns to Dominick for help! Wrapped in the song are Italian words like paesans (fellow Italians), cummares (Godmothers), cumpares (Godfathers), and Il Ciucciariello (little donkey). If you have never heard of Dominick the Donkey like me, I hope it gives you a chuckle too!!!

Just in case you are curious, below is a list of the "worst Christmas songs." Or at least the ones that many people vote on being the worst! What do you think? Do you agree?

Novelty & Annoying Repetition:

• "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" (Gayla Peevey)
• "Dominick the Donkey" (Lou Monte)
• "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" (Alvin and the Chipmunks)
• "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (Elmo & Patsy) 

Overplayed:

• "All I Want for Christmas Is You" (Mariah Carey)
• "Last Christmas" (Wham!) 

Cheesy or Cringe-Worthy Modern Tracks:

• Mistletoe" (Justin Bieber)
• "Wonderful Christmastime" (Paul McCartney, or covers by Hilary Duff)
• "Christmas Shoes" (NewSong) 

I frankly never heard of Mistletoe by Justin Bieber. Which isn't surprising as I am not always a fan. So just like Dominick the Donkey, I went to YouTube to look up this song. Guess what? I loved it! Perhaps it is the Hallmark type of cuteness that got to me... as I appreciate the simplicity and honesty of love. May we all find and be able to keep such a special kind of mistletoe love in our lives. As to me such love is what makes life worth living.