Tonight's picture was taken on May 4, 2002. Mattie was one month old. Peter's parents were visiting with us and bought Mattie this cute bunny. Mattie was fascinated by this bunny, and it is still in his collection today. Which for those of you who know my pack ratting tendencies, must realize that this bunny is right where Mattie left it. In his baskets by his bed filled with his favorite stuffed animals.
Poem of the day: Gone but Not Forgotten by Kelsey Y. Sheppard
You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could ever stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A small part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.
As Peter summed it up.... today was a hard day. The aftermath of Mattie's birthday put us both in a lower place than we typically are, which isn't saying much. Or actually it is saying volumes, because we operate most days with a steady level of sadness under the surface, but now this level is heightened. Some how spring and the warm weather have always brought such happiness for me, I certainly appreciate them now but I feel almost numb to the joy of such warm weather possibilities. As a parent, the warm weather can mean so many things from the end of school to summer camp plans and summer vacations. Without Mattie, even our summer seems directionless, and I did not really think about that until today.
I knew today was going to be challenging so on Saturday, I decided to make an appointment today at a spa for a pedicure. I went with the idea that I was going to sit and read a book. A book that I have been trying to read for months now. It isn't hard reading, but it does speak to my inability to focus and concentrate. Anycase, I never got to my book today. Instead I landed up talking the whole time to the lady working on my nails. She moved here from Michigan, and we talked about the comparison of Midwest and Midatlantic lifestyles. We had fun chatting, but I would imagine from my conversation she would never have guessed that I lost my son almost 7 months ago.
While I was at the spa today, I received a beautiful e-mail from our friend Carolyn. Carolyn's daughter and Mattie were in the same preschool class at Resurrection Children's Center. Carolyn's e-mail was so beautiful and so meaningful, that while reading it I landed up crying. Right in the middle of the spa.
It is funny about my crying. When you would expect that an event or situation would make me cry, I don't cry, but it is in the unexpected situations or circumstances, that things just hit me. Most likely because I am not prepared for them! I can feel that glossed over feeling of numbness taking over me this week. I worked many months to move passed that, but I am right back to square one this week. I suppose this is how grief works, and sometimes I just have to accept it. I am protecting myself for some reason, and I am sure in time, I too will understand why. However, despite being numb, Carolyn's message got to me today. Maybe I needed to hear what she was telling me. That I am making a difference, that Mattie will continued to be remembered, not only by the adults that knew him, but in the young hearts and minds of his friends. I posted Carolyn's message below tonight, so you can read it for yourself.
This afternoon I headed to Ann's house. I got there before she was home, and started working on watering and weeding her garden. She hasn't asked me to do this, I have just taken this upon myself. Being outside and gardening are therapeutic for me, and right now seeing things grow and look healthy seem to help me focus upon something other than my usual feelings of sorrow and sadness. The irony is, neither Peter or I feel motivated to tend to our own garden at home. Some thing we ALWAYS loved doing. But for us, our gardening helper was Mattie. Without his presence, it seems like we don't even know where to begin. Or that we don't want to begin. Which leaves me without things to care for. So Ann's garden serves multiple purposes for me. Later in the day, Ann handed me a wrapped present. I could feel it was a book, and I figured she was giving me something for Easter. I knew Ann wouldn't give me a book to read per se, because our continual joke is.... what page are you on now in the book you have been reading for months!? When I got home, I opened the present and saw it was a Pocket Guide to Butterflies and Moths. Inside the book, she wrote me a beautiful note. Which in essence was wishing Mattie a happy 8th birthday, reminding me that I will always be his mom, that Mattie wants me to happy, and that Mattie's presence surrounds me in nature, especially in the butterflies that flutter by. Mattie loved butterflies, and he savored every butterfly garden he visited, which is why a book on butterflies seemed so appropriate for the mother of a BUG lover. I am not sure why this gift meant so much to me. Maybe because I wasn't expecting a gift. However, this gift somehow made me concretely see that I once was a mother, that there was something tangible to open to prove my role and Mattie's existence. I am sure that sounds strange to my readers, but I will not forget that on Mattie's 8th birthday I actually received this gift from Ann.
When I got home today, I met up with Maria. Maria manages the leasing office in our complex. Maria has known us for 15 years, and is a faithful blog reader. She has seen me develop from graduate student, to wife, and then mother. We talked about many things, and she wanted me to know how much she admires Peter and I, and under the circumstances how well we are managing. Believe it or not, I do need to hear this feedback, and it meant a lot to me today to receive it.
Peter and I had an hour long conference call today with Sean Swarner's agent. We discussed the "March for a MMCF Miracle" in detail, and how we can connect Sean's mission with the mission of our Foundation. After this call, Peter got home, and we went for an hour long walk by the Potomac River. It is our hope that we can do this on a regular basis. We need the physical activity and this time to connect with each other.
This evening, I had the opportunity to read a blog that is maintained by Sammie's mom, Chris. As many of my readers know, Sammie had Osteosarcoma as well, and died about a month after Mattie. I started reading Sammie's blog in the spring of 2009. I found Chris' insights into the dying process and how she felt emotionally, very meaningful and helpful. Now that we are both dealing or trying to deal with the loss of our children, I find that she and I parallel each other in feelings. Chris lives on the West Coast, but for all intensive purposes she might as well live in my house. She expresses the same feelings I do, and though I am deeply saddened to read what she is coping with, it makes me understand that I am not alone. That our feelings of sadness, directionless, and at times hopelessness are a part of our lives now and into the future.
I would like to end tonight's posting with four messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Yesterday was a day full of Mattie. I know it was tough for you but his spirit was met with rejoicing by all of us who remembered and honored who he was. It was lovely to read about where you and so many others planted the seeds that will remind us of Mattie. As Tanja said in her email to you, the seeds of the forget me nots, like Mattie's spirit and memories, have spread far and wide and will take root and bloom in places we can't even imagine. What a wonderful and fitting memorial to a special boy. And his spirit continues to grow and bloom in his friends as well. May today be a day in which some joy begins to bloom in your heart. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from a fellow RCC parent and friend, Mary. Mary wrote, "We did plant our forget me not seeds for Mattie today. Abby asked me if it was okay to sing Happy Birthday to Mattie. Of course, we said yes. What you have to realize is that when we sing Happy Birthday in our family, the whole family sings, right down to our dog, Max. For some reason Max just howls when he hears the tune. I hope Mattie heard this today! We also purchased a few cups of lemonade at the Henshaw’s house today. We thought about your family a lot today!"
The third message is from my colleague and friend, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "We just got home from visiting friends. I had wanted to send you wishes earlier today as I remembered that it was Mattie's birthday. I understand what a difficult day it was , yet, was so taken with the generosity and friendship displayed today. How beautiful an idea to float the balloons and eat vanilla cupcakes on Roosevelt Island! Rituals are so important in our lives and this just may be a blessed way to honor Mattie each April 4th. I was talking and thinking about you yesterday as I took a Magnolia Walk with approximately 20 people on our Roosevelt Island. I told everyone about your trips to your island. Of course, we live on ours as well as enjoy the beautiful trees, the East River, and other natural wonders. I learned that your Roosevelt Island honors Teddy Roosevelt as ours honors FDR. Your Mom's poem was so beautiful and captured Mattie's essence. He does teach so many of us to appreciate our time together. I am sorry that you had to have such sadness today. As with most days of mourning you found a special joy in being with that little girl as she showed you something that Mattie would have loved. I think he was visiting you through her. I loved that Patches enjoyed Speedy Red and think of that car often. In order to appreciate our blessings, we need to acknowledge our pains. I hope that you slept ok tonight and had good memories of your happier times with Mattie. He did look happy in today's picture and how lucky was he to have two great celebrations last year."
The fourth message is from a fellow RCC parent and our friend, Carolyn. Carolyn wrote, "I know I start each of my e-mails to you by apologizing that it has been so long since I last touched base – and, unfortunately, this one is no different. It is sad to say that “all of life’s little things” seem to consume my days and leave me with very little personal time for catching up with friends (but I’m working on this). I had fallen a few days behind in my blog reading – and after catching up this morning, I just have to write to tell you just how amazing you are and comment on all of the beautiful sentiments expressed by so many this birthday/Easter weekend. I can not begin to imagine just how difficult this particular weekend was for you and Peter – but I hope you find some peace and comfort in knowing how many of us were thinking of you, Peter and Mattie this weekend. I have to tell you that I obviously think of you guys every day as I am a faithful blog reader. I tend to start my day at the office with a cup of coffee and by checking the blog. It starts my day off by setting the tone to “not sweat the small stuff” and appreciate every second I am given with my kids, my family and my friends. In all honesty, through your blog writing, you have made me a better mother, friend and human being and my life is so much richer because of that. I can not thank you enough for sharing the past 18 months of your life with me and opening my eyes to what is truly important in life. Although I consciously choose to reflect and remember Mattie on a daily basis, what continues to amaze me is Ellie’s reflection on Mattie. Please know that Mattie’s memory is also very alive within her. Although Ellie never really had the opportunity to play with Mattie much outside of RCC, she refers to him as one of her best pre-school friends. And it seems that about every 2 weeks or so she brings him up to me in one way or another. For instance, last week while driving home from school (after what was apparently a little bit of a bad day for her) she was very quiet and then randomly asked me “Mommy, why did Mattie have to die?” As we talked through this I asked her what made her think of Mattie – and her response was “when I am sad I think of Mattie and I miss him.” This weekend we were also doing a lot of yard work and I pulled out my packet of butterfly seeds as well – but before I told Ellie that we were going to plant them for Mattie this weekend we went to Home Depot for the long list of home project items we needed. Ellie insisted that she wanted to buy some seeds and make her own garden – and, wouldn’t you know what seeds she picked out - “forget-me-nots” – so when I told her about the forget-me-nots I had at home she was so excited and decided to buy even more and plant them all around our yard so that Mattie could see them from heaven. Ellie, and Gavin and I lit candles after Easter mass yesterday for Mattie – to wish him a happy birthday – and to acknowledge that, in my heart, I believe he is in a much better place than we are – where he can be a happy little boy, without pain and suffering. And I added an extra prayer for you and Peter, that you may continue to have the strength to get through each new day and continue to educate and motivate everyone that you come in contact with. You are both such amazing people and deserve only the best."
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