Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was two months old. As you can see he was quite alert and the defining characteristic of Mattie was his hands were always moving! As if he was conducting an orchestra. Hard to believe such an active and healthy bundle could develop cancer six years later and then die. It is a sobering reality check about how fragile life really is and how little control we have over it.
Poem of the day: A TEAR FELL THIS MORNING by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
A tear fell this morning
One of many felt.
A tear fell this morning
My sadness sure to melt.
I want my 'juicy' life back.
I need to stop my talk.
A tear fell this morning
I need to walk, my walk!
A tear fell this morning
It's health and healing.
A tear fell this morning
A sign of precious feeling.
A tear fell this morning
My creative juices flow.
A tear fell this morning
The next I'll know as well.
A tear fell this morning
I'm sure it's not my last.
A tear fell this morning
A sign of just my past.
A tear fell this morning
A blessing I am told.
A tear fell this morning
Saying so long to the old.
A tear fell this morning
Earlier it meant great pain.
A tear fell this morning
It showed such little gain.
The tears have all stopped flowing.
For words, I used instead.
To make more sense of all I'm feeling
In my heart and in my head.
I think I'll go to sleep,
For just a little while.
A tear fell this morning
Oh why, Oh why, Oh why!
For a tear to fall this morning
Leaves the opening in my world
For warmth, and joy, and happiness
For laughter and for song.
A tear fell this morning
One by one by one.
A tear fell this morning
The sorrow still not done.
I started my day by receiving a lovely e-mail from my colleague and friend, Nancy. Nancy lives in New York and we do not see each other that often, but communicate electronically very often. Nancy wrote this poem, A Tear Fell This Morning, and wanted to share it with me. I told Nancy I related to this poem because just when you think there are no more tears to cry, they simply flow. The sorrow is just not done, and I am seeing that it may never be done. It will always be a permanent part of our lives and I see the challenge in life is how to live with this pain.
This morning I headed to my licensure board meeting. Remember I have been away from this position since July 2008. I was wondering if I would even recall my role, the dynamics between the board and the public, and the regulations guiding the practice of counseling in the District of Columbia. The board members and staff greeted me in a very warm and empathetic way. It seems like we mutually missed each other. Mattie's death has changed so much of my life, including how I think and feel about myself. To my surprise, re-entering the licensure board today was not a challenge at all. I slipped back into my usual feisty style. Unlike the doubts I have about myself in other aspects of my life, I had no doubts today. I felt confident in what I was doing, which was refreshing. I have always loved this position, and that feeling hasn't changed. To say I felt good about what I was doing today is something I haven't said in ages. I can't say that I forgot about my sadness for several hours, because that sadness is simply a part of me and my life. But I was able to think, concentrate, and interact with people, which can be challenging for me now.
When I got home after the meeting, I attempted to do some Foundation work, but I could clearly see I was simply exhausted. So unlike my usual tendency to work through that feeling, I instead decided to rest. I must have slept for two hours, and got up when Peter got home from work. We had dinner together, discussed our day, and are focused on starting our own garden this weekend. In the midst of garden planning, my downstairs is being transformed with all sorts of craft products as I design my next centerpiece for Ann's table. Even Patches is fascinated with all the materials. Now it is a matter of putting everything together. I promise pictures to those of you who expressed your interest to me.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It sounds like the foundation and the march are moving along well. I know they both take a huge amount of time and effort but I believe in the long run every minute you put in will pay dividends. I hope your licensure board meeting is not too taxing; long meetings are very difficult so remember to take breaks when you can. We were asked to invite someone to join with us in practice today who needs the healing strength it offers and so I "brought" you along with me. I hope you felt the positive energy flow I sent your way. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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