Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was at his "girlfriend's" 7th birthday party. Charlotte made Mattie feel special on that day, and wanted him sitting right by her side. I was happy that Mattie was between treatments at that point, and could attend the party. I felt this picture was appropriate to post tonight, since I just got back from the beach, where I stayed with Charlotte and her family. Having these special moments with Mattie's friends is important to me, and Charlotte's mom, Ellen, and I had an opportunity to reconnect. Ellen and I met each other during the first week Mattie was in kindergarten and we became friends. Ironically, our children also met each other that first week in kindergarten class and immediately gravitated to each other.
Poem of the day: I Miss Your Laughter by Nicholas Gordon
I miss your laughter, fun, and gentleness.
I miss the things I used to do for you.
I miss the time, now filled with emptiness,
When each day was a stage for something new.
I miss your love, though mine for you remains,
A passion with no outlet to the sea,
A teardrop in a desert, that contains
What's left of my maternal ecstasy.
I miss your presence, like a silent chord
That anchored even solitude in grace.
I miss, for my love's labor, the reward
Of seeing some small pleasure in your face.
All these I miss, and yet they are all here
Within my heart, far more than I can bear.
I returned this evening from Bethany Beach, Delaware. I have wanted to visit Bethany Beach for years, but never had the opportunity. I am thankful to Charlotte's family and Ann for making this possible. We had a lovely day at the beach on Saturday, and it was fun to see all the kids connecting with each other and enjoying the beach and beautiful surroundings. Bethany is a quiet and family friendly beach and being only 3 hours away from Washington, DC makes this a very doable trip. Ellen and Jeff, Charlotte's parents, opened up their house to all of us and were wonderful and caring hosts. After spending several hours at the beach yesterday, we took the kids to a carnival at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Rehoboth has a very different feeling from Bethany. I went into the carnival with the kids for a short period of time, and then being around so many children and so much noise was simply overwhelming for me. So in those instances, I remove myself. I know that Ann and Ellen suggested I stay back at the house, but I really did want to see what Rehoboth looked like, since I have heard about it for years. While the kids were on the rides, I walked the boardwalk and sat on a bench and stared at the ocean. I have to believe that people who live by the water are simply healthier. If not physically than mentally. Hearing the waves, feeling the sand, seeing the birds, and watching the water and waves are so therapeutic. Though we were there for one night and two days, the image of the water will remain in my mind for some time.
On Saturday night, after dinner, we walked around their neighborhood and spotted several bunnies. That was a real treat. As it got darker, we took the kids back down to the beach with flashlights. They wanted to see the ghost crabs that come out at night by the shoreline (something Peter did with Mattie on numerous occasions in the Outer Banks, NC). I really do not like walking on the beach at night. It is simply eerie to me, and the water looks inky. However, there was a full moon out (my Mattie Moon), and with a death grip on Ann's arm, I managed through the process. Somehow among all of us on this adventure, we landed up hysterically laughing as we were looking for crabs. A moment in time, I will not forget anytime soon. We were quite successful and spotted many crabs, and watched them run back and forth from the water.
Today, I woke up early and sat outside, reading a book and sitting on a hammock. It was the quintessential feeling that told me I as at the beach. I then went for a walk with Ann on the beach, but since it was SO hot, we did not last very long in the hot sun. I am now reading, My Sister's Keeper. It is a book told from a teenager's perspective. But not an ordinary teen, she was conceived for the sole purpose to be a bone marrow donor for her sister who has leukemia. As I was reading the beginning of the book, the mother in the story describes how she learned her daughter had cancer. In all intensive purposes, it could have been me writing this chapter, because I related to it word for word. It captured the feelings and the numbness beautifully.
I want to thank many of you who wrote to me and let me know that you appreciated hearing Peter's perspective and insights last night. He is a wonderful writer, and though he remains silent from the blog, he too struggles with all the emotions, fears, struggles, and challenges I write about each day. I am just happy he had the opportunity to share his thoughts with you directly. I would like to share some photos with you from my trip to Bethany Beach.
From left to right: Abigail, Katie, Charlotte, and Lexi.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Peter, thank you for the opportunity to "hear" your voice. I know it is really tough to do as I watch Vicki do it day after day with grace, love, sadness and sometimes humor. Thank you for acknowledging what a gift this blog is to all of us although it is a gift we would rather not have had to receive just as you and Vicki would rather not have given it. Vicki is truly a wonderful educator and you are the rock that she supports herself on. We all need the reminder that the "rock" too has feelings and grieves. As I do for Vicki each day, I send you the energy of my practice to help you; I hold you both gently in my thoughts."
1 comment:
My name is Mary Potts and my daughter Erin died from Ewing's sarcoma a the age of eighteen on December 18, 2009 after living with this wretched beast for three years. I found you on the LIVESTRONG action site, where I recently created a dedication page for Erin in memory of it being six months since she died. I've started a blog also -inspiredbyerin.blogspot.com. Bless these sweet children and give us all strength to walk this earth without them. Peace to all of you.
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