Saturday, June 26, 2010

Saturday, June 26th, 2010

Tonight's picture is obviously out of season, but you will read later why I chose this picture tonight.

Hi everyone, it is Pete writing tonight and not Vicki.  This is just a one time "guest" appearance, so please do not despair, as Vicki will return tomorrow night to make up for me covering tonight.  Vicki has entrusted me with writing the blog tonight, so while I will put something down in print, I will not try to compare it to what Vicki normally does. So have patience with me as your regular girl will return tomorrow.

Vicki went to the beach early this morning with her friend Ann and a few of her kids, to go visit Ellen and Jeff, Charlotte's parents, at their beach house in Bethany, DE.  Vicki is staying there tonight and will return tomorrow.  I chose to stay home as I need to catch up on work and personal items that I could not do while traveling these past weeks in Africa.  I am sure Vicki will detail her trip to the beach tomorrow night, so stay tuned.

I do not have much to say, but I did want to make a few comments. Vicki writes this blog every single day and has since the beginning of Mattie's diagnosis.  It is a labor of love and a superhuman effort that she makes each night to document our lives, our lows and our loses.  Vicki is truly remarkable in her ability to process the emotions of the moment, the events in a given day, the people who transverse our existence and does so while drawing out incredible insights and helping us to learn a little something from each interaction.  Most people have a hard enough time just trying to communicate with each other, and Vicki does this as well as pouring her heart and soul into this blog every day.  So, my hat goes off for Vicki.

I will selfishly take this chance to remark at how wonderful Vicki truly is, and what an inspiration she is to me and hopefully to all those who come here regularly to read about Vicki's day.  I read the blog every day myself, and although in most cases the stories are about her, and Mattie, and me and our life now without Mattie, I myself learn a lot from her blog.  To me, that is not just a skill, but indeed a talent, and I feel fortunate to have her and her many talents in my life.  

Vicki said in one posting recently that Mattie was one of her greatest teachers.  Mattie was indeed wise beyond his years, an old soul as many have said, but he truly touched the lives of all those he interacted with, which was true both before and after cancer.  I attribute the talent that Mattie had to Vicki, as they are in many ways of like mind.  And although Mattie is not with us physically any longer, I know he will forever be a part of me, as Vicki will always be a part of me.  Vicki is a born educator and teacher of the heart and soul, and she reminds me each day of how important it is to be present in the moment, and to learn from it.

To those readers who come here regularly or infrequently, I think you will agree that a part of Vicki will always be with you as well.  Whether that is through the pain of watching something fight for their child's life and lose the battle, or through helping to remind you of what is important or as an aid when thinking of your priorities in life, Vicki has hopefully touched you in some way and helped you, even if just a little, to better understand things.  That was Mattie's gift, and that is Vicki's gift as well, and to both of them, I am forever in their debt. 

The memories of Mattie, and the friendship of Vicki do make my life meaningful, and although things now are very depressing, morbid and bleak, I know that I have Vicki, which gives me a reason to go on to the next day.  Losing Mattie has irrevocably changed every fundamental thing about me, and most of those changes are not for the better.  Each day is an incredible struggle just to go on and live, but I do so because of Vicki and a visceral conviction to keep Mattie's memory alive.  Some days are not as hard as others, but no day is easy.  Vicki and I remain functional since that is the expectation in society, as no one wants to deal with dysfunctional people.  However, immediately under the surface, we are in great, great pain. 

Although Mattie died 291 days ago, I feel that it has been both a moment and a lifetime since I last held my bear.  That overwhelming feeling of grief, loss and depression remains with you forever, as if it is a fifth appendage that you sometimes are consciously aware of or not, but that is attached to you always.  So if sometimes I appear to be acting weird or awkward or haven't responded or "been myself", please know that I am just having a hard time.  I wish this on no one as it is truly an unspeakable and indescribable misery of an existence.

On a different note, I told you earlier that I would reveal why I selected tonight's picture.  If you scroll back up you will see a picture of a family of three.  Notice how everyone is smiling, looking good, it's taken in a sunny warm location (Ft. Lauderdale, FL), and there is a smiling 5 year old on his father's back with the whole world ahead of him.  Notice behind the smiles of the parents that they too have a bright outlook in their life as they nurture their son, and are full of joy as they anticipate the possibilities of what their child might go on to do, and the wonderful future moments as they grow old and watch their child continue growing and accomplishing great things.

I remember when this shot was taken, and the great times we had while making this (and other) memories on that day and date.  But that is all I have left now, memories of what once was, and now will never be.  And all I can say to you, is make the most of every moment you have with your child and children, and take the time to be present for them, for you.  Be understanding and be firm, but most importantly, be with them.  Take nothing for granted, no matter how meaningful or insignificant you may perceive it to be, because as much as we think we are in control of our lives, we really are not, and we do not know what tomorrow will bring, so make the most of today.

Thank you for putting up with me tonight.  I know I am blog "rookie", but hopefully I provided a little bit of a different view tonight.  Again, I have to applaud Vicki as this is just not easy to do, and I can only imagine what it takes to do this every day.