Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005, at Butler's Orchard in Maryland. Mattie was almost three years old in this picture. We took him to the Orchard in celebration of Easter, and to attend their "Bunnyland" day. Mattie instantaneously gravitated to the John Deere ride on tractors. At that time in his life, anything with wheels was appealing.
Poem of the day: Tuesdays by Charlie Brown
Another Tuesday comes
And it will go
And another will arrive
Like an endless series of waves
Upon the beach
And time will erode the grief
But also fade the memories
Until they are as gently softened
As the photos in my mother's album
I want the magic that will
Keep them fresh
While dulling the grief
That makes them hurt
Tuesdays mark another week gone.
It is indeed another Tuesday. A Tuesday which marks the 41st week of Mattie's death. I woke up today not feeling well at all. I am running an 101 fever, have a sore throat, congestion, a cough, and clogged ears. My throat is so sore, that I can barely swallow. I attempted to get up, but it was a futile process, so I remained in bed the whole day. My eyes hurt and therefore I couldn't even read. I just listened to the TV all day long.
While in bed, I could see pictures of Mattie on my desk staring back at me. I think when you are not feeling well, you are more vulnerable to emotions. So periodically today I landed up crying as well. Tuesdays are naturally hard days for me and compounding it with feeling ill, made for a very challenging day.
I recalled that in the past when I wasn't feeling well, Mattie would run in and check on me. He always wanted to give me hugs and snuggle close, because to him that was the best medicine he could offer. I missed that "medicine" today and reflected back on how it felt to have him near me.
In the midst of not feeling well, I received e-mails from my friend Junko, and text messages throughout the day from Ann. By around 3 or 4pm, I decided I most likely wasn't going to get better without antibiotics. So I text messaged Dr. Bob. As my readers know Bob was Mattie's amazing surgeon, however, since Mattie's death, Bob has become my first line of defense in the medical world. I told Bob my symptoms and in minutes he prescribed something for me. I am so grateful to be able to turn to Bob, because in all reality I had no energy to make it to my doctor's office.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am so glad you took some time out for yourself and that Junko was able to help you do that. I was captured by your discussion of the massage and the therapist's breathing technique. Part of mindful practice is paying attention to one's breath. To slow down and even out your respiration so that your inhalations and your exhalations are even and measured. It is amazing what concentrating on that does for your focus and level of awareness. The body responds to this calming focus and then the mind comes along with it. It takes practice but it is a wonderful skill to learn. I am glad Peter is in a position to be able to allow you to take this time off. A sabbatical from work is a good way to take time to evaluate and find a new focus for your energy. I hope as you are working through all the things that battling cancer has loaded in your "backpack" you find meaningful things to do going forward. As I practice today, I send you my energy to help you continue to sort through all that you are carrying along with you. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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