Thursday, July 7, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007, in Lancaster, PA. We took Mattie to Amish Country that summer and we all had a wonderful time together. We stopped at a local store, and as you can see Mattie LOVED the cow statue out front..... most likely because he knew all about my affection for black and white cows.
Quote of the day: You don't think you'll live past it and you don't really. The person you were is gone. But the half of you that's still alive wakes up one day and takes over again. ~ Barbara Kingsolver
Several things transpired this evening which have changed my already fragile mood into a full blown rotten mood. I have sat before the computer tonight attempting to write the blog but for the past 20 minutes, however all I did was stare at the picture of Mattie with the cow. Writing for me tends to just happen, I suppose that is the case, since I have been writing this blog each night for the past three years. However, there are some nights, like tonight, where the writing and thoughts are just not there.
I think Peter put it quite well this evening. In many ways we feel as if we are living in limbo. We no longer have Mattie around to define our days and really our plans for the future. Instead, without him as our family compass, we are a bit directionless and at times future less. Jobs and tasks are just that, they are activities, which do not seem to have the same richness and texture to them as they once did. Before they were means to an ends, an ends to provide a future for our family.
Peter recalled with me tonight one weekend adventure when we took Mattie to a park, but a park that was off the beaten track. The park eventually landed us next to the Potomac River and we sat and had a picnic together, and then Mattie and Peter explored a stream nearby and threw sticks and rocks into the water. Peter asked me why he did not appreciate that time more when he had it? A natural and honest question, but as I told him, it is human nature to be programmed to look toward the future. On some level I know he did appreciate that moment, but my hunch is he probably thought he would have many more moments like that with Mattie. The consequence of cancer is life altering, because it changes your perspective from living for the future to living in the moment. Unfortunately our "moments" now are not always happy ones, which provides a major challenge to one's everyday existence.
So I leave it at that tonight and hope that tomorrow provides us with a different perspective. However, with Peter leaving for Nigeria on Saturday, a perspective change may not be coming anytime soon for me.
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