Saturday, July 9, 2011

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was holding one of the jars we used each spring to place his tent moth caterpillars in. In this particular picture, you can see that the caterpillar had spun a cocoon and Mattie was awaiting for the miraculous transformation of it into a moth. I can't help but reflect on all the moths we released over the years on our deck, and I always wonder if the moths that visit us now are related to one of Mattie's. Even if they are not, I would like to imagine that they are. That something Mattie helped to feed and nurture is flying over us.

Quote of the day: We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. ~ Marion Wright Edelman

I find this quote very powerful, because in all reality it is the small differences we make each day that have a very meaningful impact on us and others. Small differences like listening to someone's feelings and thoughts, and even sharing a smile. I have noticed lately, more than ever, that when I smile at someone it is very hard for them NOT to smile back. Even a complete stranger.

Peter and I worked together to get him ready and packed for his trip tonight to Nigeria. He flew to Frankfurt first, which is an 8 hour flight, and then from Frankfurt he flies to Nigeria, which is another 6 hour flight. With a three hour lay over in between. He is well on his way to Frankfurt now. 

I took two pictures of Patches today which capture her feelings about Peter leaving. This picture shows her calm and relaxed on our deck. She was out there with us while we were having lunch. This is the last of the calm and happy cat I will see until Peter returns!

As Peter was packing, the anxiety started! Patches jumped on Peter's luggage and if she could have prevented him from leaving, I think she really would have!

This evening I met up with Ann and her family and we visited Mary, her mom. Mary loved seeing all her grandchildren and hearing about their upcoming vacation plans. After the visit, I had dinner with Ann's family. I was explaining to Ann that this year more than last, it has become harder for me to connect with my friends and for my friends to connect with me. As more time lapses since Mattie's death, my role and activities as a mom become non-existent. I live very different lives from my friends who have children. Ann asked me whether I thought friends had to share such commonalities. My answer is YES. Certainly I think women who have children can be friends with women who do not have children. But here is the difference. I was a woman who had a child, and lost the child to cancer. My networks were built around the fact that I had Mattie and Mattie played with their children. So in my case, I definitely do believe that such a commonality is important to my friendships. In addition to that issue, I am trying to come to terms with my own feelings. I am very aware of the fact that hearing about the good times families are having with each other this summer bothers me. It bothers me so much that I don't want to hear about it and instead would prefer to isolate myself. From my perspective, I can't process what others are doing around me. I can't because this isn't a part of my life anymore and on a very deep level I HATE these differences and I am jealous that I can't have what other parents have, a live and healthy child. I could write more about this subject, but the anger, the feelings, and the resentments are all very real. Yet, to compound the problem, I also feel guilty for having these feelings.