Monday, December 5, 2011

Monday, December 5, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008. Mattie had begun his chemotherapy treatments, and was home between dosages. That particular day Mattie's "girlfriend," Charlotte came over to visit him. Mattie loved Charlotte and in kindergarten he made it clear that this was the girl he was going to marry. So much so that when he went for his dental cleaning that kindergarten year, and got to pick out a prize for a good cleaning, he selected a ring. The ring was an "engagement" ring, which he gave to Charlotte one day as I was driving them both to a play date. One of the things I loved about how Mattie and Charlotte interacted with each other, was the simple fact that they brought out the best in one another. Mattie had a way of getting Charlotte to laugh, and Charlotte's laugh is quite contagious to hear. While Mattie was battling cancer, Charlotte always came to visit him. Either in the hospital or at home. Charlotte saw it all, which had to be hard for a child so young. Yet she dealt with seeing the IVs, Mattie's moods, and Mattie being physically depleted. On those days she would sit with him or even curl up with him in his hospital bed to watch a movie. But Charlotte never came to visit empty handed. As this picture shows, that day she came to our home she brought Mattie one of her favorite Scooby Doo games. Mattie and Charlotte played it for quite some time and it became a favorite for all of us to play. Losing Mattie also means losing the connection with his friends. They continue to grow and develop, but I am no longer a part of watching and participating in that process. Somehow that only exacerbates the loss.

Quote of the day: One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of shore for a very long time. ~ Andre Gide

Tonight's quote seems to be eluding to grief. Because for me, losing Mattie has definitely affected my ability to see the shore, the horizon, and to have overall perspective at times. I suppose through the absolute feeling of helplessness and isolation, I will one day discover a new land or life perspective. The jury is still out on this for me.

I had the wonderful opportunity today to meet my good friend Junko in the city. Junko works where I live, which is convenient for me. A few weeks ago, Peter and I tried a new neighborhood restaurant which I loved and I wanted to introduce it to Junko. As always we had a great time chatting and catching up. Junko is good for me because she really wants to know how I am doing and feeling and today I shared with her some of the physical issues I have been contending with. She got me to reflect on how things that I do which are supposed to bring about happiness and life direction, should not be causing me more heartache and stress. I absorbed what she was saying and I do agree. Yet I do find that post-Mattie's cancer battle I am not able to regulate my feelings and emotions as well as I used to, and instead do land up internalizing them, which makes me ill. In fact, I have learned a great deal about the impact of stress and death on one's physical state. The toll on my body from Mattie's death is huge and as time passes, the full extent of the damage becomes more apparent. I feel fortunate that I have friends like Junko in my life who can understand this without judgment. 

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message I received from my friend Tina on Saturday night. Tina went out of town this past weekend with one of her daughters. However, she did not venture on this journey without her computer. Why? Because she wanted to be able to read the blog and find out how our big day at the Verizon Center went. I was truly very touched and honored by her kindness. But when she explained her feelings and put them into words, to me it was as if she sent me an electronic gift. Words are powerful and they can convey powerful feelings, connections, and importance. To me shared feelings between friends is vital for the relationship's longevity and growth. Tina wrote, "I like to end the day reading the blog. I feel connected to you and it helps me keep focused on what is important. Almost like a nightly prayer. It is wonderful to see the good you are doing and it reminds me to count my blessings."