Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. We took Mattie to a butterfly garden that just opened up as part of the Smithsonian. Someone recently asked me why I always wear butterfly pendants and pins. My answer was that butterflies loved Mattie. They always landed on him! They were attracted to him, which I found interesting since butterflies are such delicate creatures whose wings can't be touched. Yet they enjoyed Mattie and he understood NOT to touch them but to let them land and then fly away. When I see these creatures out in nature now, they make me think of Mattie. They come into our lives and bring us beauty, but this beauty is temporary and must be appreciated in our memory not unlike Mattie.


Quote of the day: The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change. ~ Carl Rogers


Nineteen years ago today my maternal grandmother died. When I woke up this morning, and saw that it was January 20, I knew exactly the significance of the day. My grandmother was a key person in my life and I remember the day she died as if it were yesterday. I was living in Boston at the time and literally that morning as I woke up I recalled a dream I just had. In my dream, I was with my grandma and I vividly recall that we were talking. She then handed me a dozen red roses. When I reached out to grab the roses and hold them, each rose shriveled up and died. At that point I woke up and soon there after the phone rang and I learned that my grandma had died. I believe this dream was almost like a premonition.

I woke up exhausted and in a funk today. Many people I saw yesterday told me that I most likely would feel this way after weeks or planning for my friend's birthday party. An emotional let down in a way. Perhaps, but I can hardly keep my eyes open and feel depressed. Peter and I went out to lunch, as Peter wanted to change my environment. We walked around the mall for a bit and we landed up walking through Pottery Barn. At one point we sat on one of the couches and we started talking about Mattie's room. This is the first time we talked about what to do with Mattie's room. I think we both know that we have to make this a usable room again. I know this in theory but emotionally I am not sure what to do with ALL of Mattie's things. The room is set up just like Mattie left it. As he left it when he was healthy, not what it looked like as he was battling cancer. When he was battling cancer, his room was a nightmare, and when he died, I stored boxes, gifts, and all sorts of things in the room. I couldn't even walk in the room. It took months to go through the boxes and return the room to some sort of sense of normalcy. A task that I basically took on alone. But the room is in tact, as if I expect Mattie to walk back into it and use it one day. Needless to say, this was too much of a conversation for me to handle with a headache and feeling emotionally fragile. So after tearing up through Pottery Barn, we had to change the subject.

This afternoon, Patches found her way to the couch and literally walked on top of Peter and sat with him for hours. Peter couldn't move and I just laughed over this. Patches is very attached to Peter but Peter feels she is sticking close to him because she doesn't feel good. Which is quite possible since Patches is NOT a couch, lap, or cuddly type!